Let’s get started

19 Nov

Someone suggested I start a blog. I’m not sure how this will go, but here goes. This is just going to be my thoughts, feelings and things I find along the way.

Today I thought about starting a cookbook. Here’s the first recipe as I posted it on Facebook.

My favorite is “Whatchagot stew”. A package of meat from the freezer in the bottom of the pot. Yes, frozen. Who plans anymore? Add any and all veggies hanging out in the bottom of the chiller drawer, even the wilted ones. Some potatoes and onions if you got them. A can or two of whatever veggies you have in the cupboard and maybe a can of beans(with the liquid, potatoes always need salt). Add a seasoning packet or two from a ramen package, save the noodle part for later. Add some water, usually half a pot, don’t worry, it’ll make more. Let sit on low all day or high if you started at noon when you realize you forgot to plan dinner. Just before eating, check for taste. Probably needs salt, remember those potatoes? Also pepper, garlic powder, parsley if you’re lucky enough to have it. Now crush up those ramen noodles you saved from earlier and add them. Stir through. By the time you find all the kids and get them washed and to the table, dinner is ready. Just add milk and bread and butter. Said kids will love you forever. Or at least until you take away their phone for not taking out the garbage and helping with the dishes. Enjoy!

I also need a place besides Facebook to keep my Gratitude List.

  • Today I’m grateful to really start a blog. I hope it goes well. I’m grateful to be feeling better from my tooth extraction. It’s making me spunky. Grateful to have my child here today. No matter how often we fight, argue and generally disagree, I always have his back. I remember a time when he wasn’t sleeping across the room. LOVES
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I opened the door today

22 Sep

I have good days and bad days. And then there are the days in the middle. I think today is one of THOSE days.

I didn’t sleep well at all. I kept having nightmares and drug dreams. I finally just stayed awake so I could get the Boy off to school. Then I proceeded to cancel all my appointments for today and just crawl under a blanket. I just couldn’t go out in the world this morning. It’s not much better now, but I decided to have the door open. And because the door is open I had to get dressed. And because I got dressed, I had to brush my hair.

I still feel crappy but I look presentable. And I’m trying to be out in the world. Even if it’s from inside my cave.

  • I’m grateful to have the courage to open the door. I’m grateful to have gotten dressed. I’m grateful I still have a woobie on the couch. Can’t have everything.

Night all. LOVES

Cold season has begun

22 Sep

I have terrible luck with my sinuses. The Spring and Fall are usually snuffly, sneezy times of the year. Summer pollen makes me have watery eyes, and need constant  tissues around because my nose is always plugged. And during the Winter time, I have a cold more often than not. Yes, it is a year round issue.

I’ve talked to doctors about it and they keep telling me it’s not a major thing and there’s nothing they can do that my insurance will cover. So I have rolls of tp everywhere. And most of the time, I’ll have a ton of napkins in my bag. Sometimes there’s even a roll of tp in there too! It’s one of the reasons I carry a big bag. I’ve tried a littler one. There’s no room for tissues.

My grandpa always had a handkerchief in his back pocket for as long as I remember. I’ve thought about getting some, but the dainty women’s kind just are not worth the time, money, and effort to invest into them. And the big, farmer type bandana ones are apt to get you in trouble if you pull out the wrong color in the wrong neighborhood. Or else my kids “borrow” them and I never see then again. So I decided that wasn’t a good way to go. I’ll stick to what I have.

  • I’m grateful to have money for tp so I can wipe my nose and elsewhere. I’m grateful Carson is feeling better so he can go back to school tomorrow. And it gives me hope that I’ll feel better tomorrow too. I’m grateful it’s almost bedtime because I’m so looking forward to my pillow and blankets. It’s even fend-for-yourself night.

Night all. LOVES

 

FLEETO!

20 Sep

I know many who think I’m crazy because I say that I have a ghost named Fleeto who watches out for me and my family. My mom used to tell me that when he’s bugging me, I needed to call home. Well he let me know this afternoon that he was around. Big time!

A thunderstorm blew through a little bit ago with heavy rain and lots of noise. Carson ended up sitting almost on my lap under a blanket because he doesn’t like loud noises. Storms count as loud noises. It lasted maybe half an hour or so.

He’s gone back upstairs to bed and watching a movie. I’m  sitting on the couch reading because I had just mopped the floor and I was waiting for it to dry.

When suddenly, the grandson’s bouncer decides to turn on and start singing. It’s clear across the room. Nobody is even close to it. The storm had been over for a while so the shaking of the house had nothing to do with it. I know Fleeto turned it on because I had to actually go over and flip the switch to turn it back off.

I’m not sure what he’s trying to tell me. I called my dad and he’s fine. Messaged the boys and they both say their fine. I’m heading to social media when I’m done writing to check on the rest. I’m sending positive thoughts and prayers to everyone.

  • I’m grateful for family stories when freaky things happen. I’m grateful to talk to my Dad today. I’m grateful to my neighbor for taking me to get my sick kid from school this morning.

Night all. LOVES

Growing up

20 Sep

My son is growing up. At least that was my thought about 30 minutes ago. He stayed home alone tonight while I went down to street for a women’s night out.

I was only a few blocks away and I came home to the house in one piece, he had eaten and was watching a movie on TV. I thought “AWESOMENESS!” maybe we can try this again soon.

But as I’m arguing with him to go to sleep, I have my 4-year old back. He’s whining about what song to listen to. And he doesn’t want to put his phone and stuff away. I suppose I just need to keep being consistent.

I think that’s one of the toughest things about his needs. One moment I will be talking to a very alert and engaging 16-year old that knows what is what and the following moment, I have the 4-year old that needs to be attached to me every minute of the day. And its like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates. “You never know what you’re gonna get.”

  • I’m grateful to have had a wonderful evening with my friends laughing and talking about adult things. I’m grateful that he was okie dokie here alone. I suppose I’m also grateful that he still needs to need me. That’s how we grow up.

Night all. LOVES

Peopling and adulting

19 Sep

I went to therapy this afternoon after waiting for the meals on wheels dude. After that I went to the DMV to find out about getting a driver’s license. I think I did a good job of peopling and adulting for the day.

It’s really difficult for me to people. Especially when my depression is in high gear. I spend more time and effort trying to figure out how to get out of leaving the house than if I just went to the appointment. That’s one of the things I talked to the therapist about.

Going to the DMV is definitely in the adulting category. I needed to find out what I need to do to get my license. I haven’t had a legal one since 1994. That’s not to say I haven’t driven since then though. But when I got clean, I decided that it wouldn’t be a good thing to get in trouble by driving again. It took me forever to pay off all the fines and tickets. I don’t need new ones. The good news is I just need to take the tests to get my license.

So between peopling and adulting, I’m tired. So we’re having burritos for dinner. He doesn’t mind. It was his idea.

  • I’m grateful to get the information from the DMV today. Now I can save my pennies. I’m grateful to actually make it to the therapist’s. It was iffy this morning as I tried to talk myself out of it. I’m grateful I didn’t get too wet today. I left my umbrella home.

Night all. LOVES

Being a mom

17 Sep

Early this morning I went into my son’s room and stole his phone and his tablet. I did it because I was annoyed that it was in there. But by the time he woke up and came downstairs, I wasn’t mad anymore. I was annoyed because I didn’t feel good and was just being grumpy with him.

When he came downstairs, he asked why I stole his stuff. I didn’t want to admit that I was being mean and vindictive, so I told him it was because I wanted to talk to him before he immersed himself into his movies and games. He gave me that look. You know, the one that says, OK, what did I do now? As I sat there looking at him, I realized that I REALLY did just want to talk. I missed him. We never just sit and hang out anymore. We’re always sunk into our phones. We talked about school and stuff for a whole 10 minutes before he decided that was enough and asked if he could have breakfast now.

Afterwards, I was watching a video about this family trying so hard to have another child and now they’re dealing with another miscarriage. I got me to thinking. When I was a little girl, all I wanted to be when I grew up was being a mom. The neighborhood mom. The one with the house full of kids, making cookies, doing PTA and Booster club. THAT mom.

But it didn’t work out that way. I’m NOT that mom. I’m a neurotic headcase that gets mad at her kids because she’s mad about something else and hides in her house because she’s afraid to go outside. I don’t make cookies because I don’t want to do the dishes. Either before or after. I just sit here and wish it was different.

But watching this video makes me see that I’m not the only one who doesn’t get what they want all the time. I’m not alone in this world. I’m not the world’s best, perfect mother. But who is? I’m just me. And I need to keep telling myself EVERY SINGLE DAY that I’m the best mom I can be right now and that I did the best I could with what I had in the past. Even if the best I had at the time was to let someone else do what I couldn’t do.

  • I’m grateful for 10 minutes talking to my youngest about his week of school. I’m grateful for late night phone calls from one of my kids to help him talk through a problem. I’m grateful that I’m the mom I am. The good, the bad, the ugly, and most importantly, the beautiful. Because life is beautiful.

Night all. LOVES

Just a Saturday

17 Sep

Today is just an ordinary Saturday where nothing of major importance happens, but I’m busy all day. Sort of.

Started out this morning sleeping through my alarm so I got to answer the door in my pj’s. A friend from church came over and re-engineered my couch so I don’t sink to the floor and need to crawl up out if it. He used giant zip ties and a piece of plywood.

Then I tried to hook up my new modem and it’s not as easy as the instructions promise. Took hours and two online chats and I still get to call back on Monday. SIGH!

Then there the dishes issue. I’m still washing dishes tonight. Have I told you that I HATE washing dishes. It might be more enjoyable if I had 2 sinks it a dishwasher (besides me).

About 2pm, I got to wander the house shutting all the windows and doors because the forest fire’s smoke is back and the outside smells like camping. Gives me a headache and makes it difficult to breathe. Tried to take a nap but it didn’t help. Couldn’t sleep.

And all day my right side has been not cooperating. I’ve had a Charley Horse in my hip and thigh since yesterday and I think I did something to my elbow because it doesn’t want to be straight. Or bent all the way. Just kinda hanging out in the middle.

  • So like I said, just a Saturday. But I’m grateful to be awake to see it. I’m grateful to have my couch jerry-rigged into a semblance of seating. I’m grateful that I have enough if the dishes done to think about what to feed us for dinner. So all in all, it’s a great day.

Night all. LOVES