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Fake it til you make it

17 Aug

One of the things I learned in early recovery is to act as if. If you want to be clean, act clean. If you are struggling, just keep doing the things that will get you through.

I’ve been struggling lately. It’s really obvious when I go back and reread my blogs for the last couple of months. I can tell in my writing that I’m not doing well. I’m just putting words on a page to fill space. That wasn’t what I wanted when I started this. I wanted to use this as a daily journal and as a place to write down my gratitude. I’m unhappy with what I’m doing right now. I’m still writing my gratitude list, but I’m having a really hard time finding something to be grateful for.

Actually, I’m struggling to find something new that I’m grateful for. Because I started a blog, I need to make it fresh and alive every day or I feel that I’m a failure. And some days I’m just not feeling fresh and alive. Some days I’m barely climbing out of bed. And if I am getting out of bed, I’m not doing anything else. Not showering, or getting dressed. Definitely not eating right. And I can see myself not doing this stuff, but not having the energy or the inclination to do anything about it.

So I suppose it’s time to make me a list and just do those things until I want to do them again.

So I’ll get up and get dressed every day. I’ll try to eat one healthy thing every day. I’ll try to get outside every day. That’s three things that I can work on.

  • I’m grateful that I’m noticing that I need to do something different. Now to work on doing it. I’m grateful to my housing mentor for giving me new goals to work on instead of just letting me slide. I’m grateful I want to change. Because there are definitely times when I could care less about what I’m doing.

Night all. LOVES

Just an ordinary day

17 Aug

Today is just an ordinary day. I spent part of the day waiting for my youngest son’s father to come and get him for his last extended visit of the summer. He’ll be gone 10 days this time. I know he hasn’t been home much this month. I’ve mostly been hanging out in the air conditioning so it’s all good.

One good thing about him being gone is the house stays clean unless someone comes over. Still trying to clean up after the grands were here this weekend. Their parents weren’t much help.

I think I’m going to read a book or find something interesting to watch on the electronic device this evening. Other than work on the dishes. I HATE doing dishes.

  • I’m grateful I have food to put on the dishes to make them dirty. I’m grateful to have an ordinary day. No excitement or chaos involved. I’m grateful for Popsicles in the freezer. I’m craving something sweet.

Night all. LOVES

My camper is home!

16 Aug

My son came home from camp this evening. I think he had a great time. But now we have to deal with what always happens after a vacation. Getting back to the real world.

He’s tired and grumpy. He’s overloaded on peopling. Too much stimulation over the last week. He didn’t get his meds until way late in the day. And mom did stuff while he was gone. I was supposed to lock myself in the closet and not do anything until he came home. I love how kids think the world stops when they aren’t there.

His dad is coming in the morning to have him for his last extended visit for the summer. And he’s NOT happy about that either. I’m pretty sure he is going to be asleep before too much longer because of how irritable he’s being. I’m so happy he’s home. I missed him.

  • I’m grateful that he made it home in one piece. And everything he took came home too! I’m grateful that it’s close to bedtime because he really needs some sleep. I’m grateful that I can find the humor in the whole situation.

Night all. LOVES


15 Aug

The grandsons were here overnight with their father until about noon today. There is a reason people have kids when they are young. Chasing toddlers is tiring. And I wasn’t even doing much of the chasing.

It was nice to know that I can still wrangle a child into a clean diaper and clean clothes faster than they can wriggle out of them. I can still rock a baby to sleep without resorting to real rocks. And I can shovel food into a little  face fast enough to keep him happy.

But the best part about having them here? The minute they went home! Can’t even tell my house was clean last week. All my dishes are dirty. I have movies and toys everywhere. And I’m exhausted. Looking forward to bedtime.

  • I’m grateful that they came to visit. And it was nice rocking them to sleep. I’m grateful that they survived the visit. I didn’t kill them or myself. I’m grateful that I’ve turned the ringer off and locked the doors. I’m out of order until the youngest son gets home from camp.

Night all. LOVES

Weather bones

12 Aug

Woke up early this morning to an overcast sky and a threat of rain by Sunday! I’m praying so hard for rain! I’m  also hoping that the hitch in my get along means it’s coming sooner than expected.

That’s one of the toughest things about growing old. When your body becomes a more accurate weather forecaster than the weatherdudes. I knew last night that the weather was changing.

As I was going upstairs, my hip decides it’s done and the rest of me could go on without it because it was staying right here! On the third step from the top! So the rest of me continued on. I’m glad I was close enough to the top that I could fall up the stairs because I really wasn’t in the mood to fall back down!

So today has been quiet and peaceful. Mostly because I’m NOT moving much. I’m going to the doctor Monday morning.

  • I’m grateful I was near the top instead of closer to the middle of the stairs last night. I’m thinking that throwing myself up is what wrenched my hip the most. I’m grateful that it’s cooler today. I’m NOT carrying my fan up and down the stairs today. Doesn’t matter how hot it is. I’m grateful that I haven’t broken my sense of humor. It gets me through lots of adversity.

Night all. LOVES

National Night Out

11 Aug

Tonight was my neighborhood’s National Night Out celebration. I was asked to man a table for Homeforward’s Residents Advisory Committee. It’s time to recruit new people for the next couple of years.

I shared a table with Portland State University. Met some nice people. I gave out a couple of applications. Had hamburgers and hot dogs, chips, and Popsicles. They had bingo all night.

I’m glad I got out of my comfort zone and went. But I’m really glad to be home getting my anxiety under control. And some Tylenol because several hours sitting on a folding chair is not really a great time anymore.

Now to spend some time with some visiting friends for the rest of the evening. Maybe figure out how I can schedule everything so I can go to Siletz with them for the weekend?

  • I’m grateful I was able to volunteer and gave a good time meeting new people this evening. I’m grateful to have a fridge full of sparkly water. I’m grateful to get some sleep tonight. I hope.

Night all. LOVES

My to-do list today

10 Aug

My child is going to sleep-away camp at 8 am in the morning. So today was going to the store picking up all that last minute stuff that you always need to get. Plus, while we were at Goodwill, we got some stuff for school because it was awesome and cheap!

After Goodwill, we went to Freddy’s because I have been putting off grocery shopping and today I had access to a car. How is it that you can go into the store for almond milk, eggs, and butter and come out $150 poorer? I have no idea either. I just know I did.

I get to do some laundry tonight for camp to make sure he has enough socks because there is no such thing as too many socks! Plus, we both need other things washed and I want to do it while I have someone here to fetch and carry for me.

Lots of stuff on the list for today. And I’ve gotten most of it done. Not too shabby considering the ambulance was here late last night because my blood sugar was 50 and falling. Some honey, peanut butter, and pears helped it come up enough that the EMT’s said I didn’t need to go to the hospital if I ate something else before I went to bed. Every time I’ve checked my sugar today, it’s been in the high 100’s. Right were it’s supposed to be. But I think I’m sleeping well tonight!

  • I’m grateful to my youngest son for all the help he gave me last night and how calm he was. I’m grateful to my middle child and his friend for providing me a ride today for my errands. I don’t think I could have accomplished so much without it. I’m grateful to have nothing scheduled after 9 am tomorrow. I’m going on vacation to a very secret location. I’m not answering the door either.

Night all. LOVES