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My Best Friend

24 Jun

My best friend moved today. She was the first person to welcome me into my new home. The very first home that was mine since I got clean. Before I had lived in treatment and halfway houses. Man, I was scared. I was so afraid I would mess up now that I was on my own. But she just said welcome, now you’re home. And you CAN do this. She’s been there through thick and thin. Dating, breaking up, being lonely and deciding I’m okay the way I am. She listened to my late night calls when I had bad dreams. She was there for me when I lost my Mom and I was there for her when she lost hers.  I took pictures of her butt so she would know the pants didn’t make her look fat. OK, I’m not certain THAT was the reason, but it’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Friends do that for each other. She was there to gossip with and commiserate with when someone pissed us off. She was the go to person for my son if I wasn’t home. She was my responsible adult on school forms and I was hers.

I remember one time when my kids were off to their other families for a holiday and instead of letting me sit home feeling sorry for myself, she brought me to her house and fed me her Mom’s hot turkey sandwiches while we watched some movies.

I helped her pack her moving truck today and then I left because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I’m going to miss her. She won’t be there to let me in when I really need to vent, cry, or just be ridiculously happy and silly.

Good luck in your new adventures. May the Creator keep you well and happy. I’ll be sending up sage smoke for you tonight.

  • I’m so grateful that you were there the first day I got here and every day since. I’m grateful that I was able to learn to be strong in my recovery from you. I’m grateful that I’ve decided I can let you go on your next adventure without me. I guess that means I’m growing up.

Night all. LOVES

We’re having a heat wave

24 Jun

Summer has finally kicked Spring to the curb. “THIS is my time and I’m taking it!” And she’s making up for lost time.

It has been a really wet and drizzly Spring here in Portland. I don’t think it got above 70 more than a small handful of days. She’s just been hanging on. It was raining just last week.

Well Summer just wasn’t having it anymore. We had 70’s the first part of the week and it’s 89 today.

The weather warnings have been zinging across my phone all day. First a heat advisory. Then a heat watch and finally a heat warning. I know I wanted to be a weatherdude, but I always get those terms mixed up. So I looked them up today.

This is what I get from the Weather Channel. ~An Excessive Heat Warning is issued when the heat index value is expected to reach or exceed 110 degrees within the next 12 to 24 hours. An ExcessiveHeat Warning may be issued for lower criteria if it is early in the season or during a multi-day heat wave.


And this too! With all its fancy links. ~An Excessive Heat Watch is issued by the National Weather Service of the United States when the heat index is expected to be greater than 105 °F (41 °C) across the northern states or 110 °F (43 °C) across the southern states during the day, and/or nighttime low temperature will be at least 75 °F (24 °C) or higher for two consecutive days. Note that even with the usual northern/southern criteria, local offices, particularly those with deserts or mountainous terrain, often have their own criteria. High values of the heat index are caused by temperatures being significantly above normal and high humidities, and such high levels can pose a threat to human life through conditions such as heat stroke.

My take on the whole thing is ITS GONNA GET REALLY HOT! Until at least Monday. So this morning I made lots of juice for the fridge. Two different colors of Jell-O. And made sure we have things to eat that don’t require the oven. Although I AM tempted to make some sidewalk cookies. I hope you all are keeping cool wherever you are.

  • I’m grateful to have put curtains up over the blinds in the bedrooms upstairs. It’s keeping it so much cooler up there. I’m grateful to have most of my dishes done so I can hang out in front of the a/c tonight. I’m grateful I have 4 ice trays in the freezer. And somebody will lose an arm if they put one back empty! One ice cube left constitutes empty in my book, by the way.

Night all. LOVES

Who we come from

23 Jun

Tonight while cooking dinner, I shredded my thumb when I should have been doing potatoes. So my son had to help me cook. After he went and got the Band-Aids and rubber gloves (Band-Aids and human blood DO NOT mix well with dinner).

While he was browning the hamburger and potatoes, I told him that my potatoes wouldn’t taste like Dad’s even though we were using Dad’s recipe. I told him that his dad learned to make fried potatoes from his mom. And she made the best fried potatoes I ever had that weren’t in a restaurant. I can’t match it.

He wanted to know what I can cook well. I make killer chicken and homemade noodles. And my  baking experiments are amazing.

I told him as he got older and learned to cook more, he will learn things from both of his parents that he will go on to teach others. That’s how those that have passed on can stay with us forever.

His fried potatoes and hamburger turned out really good. Not as crispy as his Dad’s but pretty good. He’s doing great in the learning to cook process.

  • Today I’m really grateful that I “appropriated” Band-Aids last time I was at the doctor’s office. I’m grateful that we were able to talk about his grandma without tears. It’s the first time since she died a year ago. I’m grateful that his hamburger and fried potatoes was good. He feels so proud of himself because there are no leftovers!

Night all. LOVES

When “I hate you!” is a good thing

22 Jun

We’re having a bad day today. Actually it started late last night/early this morning.

Remember when I set bedtime for the summer at 10:30? Well, it’s been creeping later and later. He’s inside at 10:30 but not in bed. Or he’s in bed at 10:30 but not asleep. Last night? Last night he finally went to sleep about 4am! And he had turned on his phone because he thought I was asleep and wouldn’t catch him.

Good thing I had to go to the bathroom at o’dark thirty! Caught him red-handed! Told him right then that there would be no electronics all day today,  he’s grounded, and he has to clean his room.

It is now 7:30pm. The room is just now almost finished. He tried to sleep all day. I didn’t let him. He asks if he can go outside now and gets really huffy when I tell him no.

I hear the dreaded, “I hate you!” as he walks back to his room. Me? I feel a little bit of pride because that means I must be doing something right.

I have learned the hard way that I can’t be a parent AND a friend  to my children. I will admit that I am a huge soft touch. It is so hard right now to not let him go outside. But I have always given in before and this is where we sit. He told me that he knew he would be in trouble and lose the phone if he was on it. But he did it anyway because I always gave in before. AND he didn’t think I would keep him inside even after he cleaned his room!

So there he sits saying he hates me and I’m unfair. And here I sit writing all of this down with a little bit of glee because I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Even harder than quoting drugs. I SAID NO TO MY CHILD! And I haven’t caved yet. I don’t plan to either. I figure if I can get 8 years clean, I can try to parent my child the way he should be parented. I hope it’s not too late.

  • I’m grateful to stick to it and not cave today. I’m grateful to hear those 3 little words today. I must be doing something right. I’m grateful that I finally put in the paperwork to get rid if my old, broken recliner and couch. Without having a backup set in place yet. I know it’ll work out.

Night all. LOVES

June 18, 2009.

19 Jun

In the spring of 2009 an interesting thing happened to me. Somebody turned me in to child welfare for using drugs. I found out when a nice lady showed up on my doorstep with cup in hand wanting me to pee in it. She said if I didn’t she had the authority to take my children with her.

Me, being the good addict I was, figured that since I had just did some, it didn’t have time to get to my bladder yet. So I said sure, what have I got to lose. Of course it came back dirty! Addicts have the worst thinking errors. She ended up taking my kids anyway.

And so my journey began. I started with outpatient treatment 3 days a week. But I continued to use on the days I didn’t have to go. And tried so many crazy ways to give a clean sample on the days I did.

The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. And I couldn’t get more than 15 days in a row. It was so hard. I couldn’t see my kids. The eldest was off doing his own thing and refusing to speak to me. The middle one was on the run from his foster homes and I didn’t know where he was. And I had to have 2 clean samples in a row to see the youngest. The people I was living with didn’t want me to be clean because then they would have to move out. So I was going to Day Treatment up to 4 days a week. And sneaking out of the house to get to meetings.

I remember for my birthday, my dealer showed up at the door with a nice package for my present. She said she missed me. Why is it when you WANT to use, you can NEVER find free dope, but when you DON’T WANT to use, everybody is giving you some?! So I sat on my couch, crying because I was 42, my life sucked, and used every single drop of Meth I had because I didn’t want to waste any by throwing it away.

When I came down, I made myself a promise. I wanted to be done! And I would do what needed to be done to get clean. I went for a walk around the block and sat on the church lawn. And prayed! And cried! And prayed some more! Some gentleman came out and sat with me and we just talked. He told me how much my Heavenly Father lived me and wanted me to come back to church. And if I would keep doing the next right thing, He would help me get it done.

I went to a meeting the next afternoon and I found a sponsor. Her sponsor told her that she needed to be my sponsor before I even asked. She was amazing. I called her every night. And we went to meetings together 3-4 times a week. She helped me with the people living with me. She encouraged me to tell them at treatment to sign me up for inpatient.

The night of June 18th, she took me to a speaker meeting where this really old guy talked about his days as a methhead. And that he got clean. And I saw myself in his story. Because I had used the night before, I was the newest one there. He gave me a signed copy of the book he wrote. I still have it. That’s the last time I used! I got a spot at an inpatient facility and went in on June 30th. I’m still clean today.

It’s NOT easy. Life still sucks. But it’s manageable most of the time. I try every day to keep my Heavenly Father first in all I do. And He helps me keep that day sacred.

As long as I remember my HP and my cleandate, everything else will work out. And that person who turned me in? I tell him I love him and thank you every day.

  • Today, I am SOOO grateful for 8 drug free years. I am grateful that a stranger told me that my Heavenly Father still loved me even after everything I had done. I am grateful that I was someone else’s ‘sponsor homework’.

Night all. LOVES


PB & Honey Candy

17 Jun

One of the things I do when my brain and I are arguing and not getting along is to cook. Something about the mixing and thinking about what goes together seems to calm the racing thoughts.

I have been working on this one for a while and it will probably be changed a few more times before I’m satisfied with it. The last time I tried baking  it into cookies but they burned way to easily. It could also just be that my oven sucks!

So here is the latest version.

1 cup peanut butter,  1 cup powdered sugar, 4 tablespoons hot cocoa mix, 4 tablespoons honey. Mix everything together until it looks like clay.  Place in an 8 in pan and spread to edges making it all even. Put in fridge for at least an hour to firm up. Cut into 1/2 inch pieces. Store in the fridge. The longer you let it sit, the better it gets.

Just a warning. You should only eat a couple of pieces because it’s really rich.

  • Today I’m grateful that we both were up by 11am. Without a fight even. I’m grateful I could wake up knowing the drug dream I had last night wasn’t real. I’m grateful my mom and grandma taught me how to experiment in the kitchen.

Night all. LOVES

H. E. A. D. A. C. H. E.

14 Jun

There’s an old joke that comes to mind today. Is the above word pronounced hed-a-shay or hed-a-shee? Neither it’s pronounced hed-āke. Today is ending with one if those!

It started as a day where you just want to lie in bed with the covers up to your nose type of day. I should have listened to my gut because it’s been all downhill from there.

The child hasn’t done his final project that’s due tomorrow morning. So we got to do that right after school while getting ready to leave.

I had my monthly community service meeting tonight. And I left there wondering why I’m going every month to listen to people arguing about why THEIR position is right and YOURS is wrong. It’s gotten to where I’m afraid to say anything because it’s going to start another “discussion”.

And it’s not ending well either. But it is ending. Which is a good thing. All that’s left of the day is to get the child to sleep and get me to sleep.

It’s not as easy as it sounds because NOW he’s hungry! Fruity Pebbles to the rescue.

  • I’m grateful that today is almost over. I’m grateful that there’s only 2 more days of school. And all assignments need to be finished tomorrow. I’m grateful my decisions today were only $40 instead of $80.

Night all. LOVES