Archive | Journal RSS feed for this section

Rainy Saturday

22 Oct

What is your favorite thing to do on a Saturday when it’s forecast to have over an inch of rain over the weekend? You have chicken soup, great music, a book or two, and at least one woobie. Most likely two.

It’s a good thing I don’t rely on solar for electricity because I wouldn’t have any power this weekend. I don’t think it’s gotten about twilight all day. Makes sleeping in or napping particularly easy.

  • I’m grateful for a mostly lazy day of self care. I’m grateful I made enough soup yesterday for leftovers today. I’m grateful to have today to get over being sick.

Night all. LOVES


Cold and flu season

20 Oct

It’s that time of year again. Where every other person is sniffling, sneezing and coughing all over everything. And no matter how vigilant you are, you are going to catch it. It’s cold and flu season.

I’m feeling rough today. Headache, yucky tummy, and everything hurts. My child called me from school today saying he doesn’t feel good either. I have no way to go get him. School is over soon anyway.

Sometimes I wish I had a wood stove with a pot of chicken soup constantly bubbling on a back corner. But I live in an electric society. So I have an electric skillet going this afternoon. It’s the biggest cooking vessel I have besides my crock pots. And I don’t want to dig THEM out of the back of the cupboard. I probably should anyway. Besides, I’m hoping we’re feeling better sooner than later.

  • I’m grateful to always buy frozen chicken so it’s in the freezer when I need it. I’m grateful it’s supposed to rain heavily all weekend. Less arguing about staying in and resting. I’m grateful that this time we’re both getting sick at the same time. Maybe we’ll be able to get it out of the way and not pass it back and forth all winter.

Night all. LOVES

Guilt parenting

20 Oct

I’m a mean mom again tonight. I won’t get up and fetch him some juice or a chair to put his feet on. I’m making him take care of his dinner dishes. I made him make his own toast in the toaster oven.

I did make him cheesy eggs to go with the toast for dinner. I made the juice and put it in the fridge. I did the dishes he ate off of. I made him ramen popcorn(crunched up dry ramen with the seasoning sprinkled over it) as an after school snack.

I’m not trying to make this about “I do this much for you, so I’m not doing any more”. But I am trying to teach him that he CAN get things done on his own if he just gets up to do it.

So why do I feel guilty about the whole situation? Why do I feel that because I was such a rotten mom the first half of his life, I need to take care of everything for him to make up for it. I know he can do these things. But it’s so hard for me to just sit here and wait. And to not jump up and get what he wants. I guess that’s what being a good mom is all about. Letting our children grow up and do things they would rather I do for them.

  • I’m grateful to know I don’t need to always “guilt parent”. I’m grateful to be doing less “guilt parenting than I used to. I’m grateful that he got his stubbornness from me. I know I can sit him out.

Night all. LOVES

Effects of addiction

18 Oct

I am an addict in recovery. I don’t hide that fact. Not because I’m proud I used drugs and alcohol to change my thoughts, feelings, and behavior, but because I am proud that I have been NOT using for over 8 years.

I feel if I hide who I was and who I am now from the world, the people who know me will only see the “look good” part of me. But I am also the parts of me that are not pretty and the broken. And even though I have time being clean, some things will always be broken and ugly.

My drug of choice was Meth. We have all heard about the outward ravages of what using it can do. The sores, the skeleton looks, the bad teeth, and looking old before your time. And there are internal effects also. Kidney and liver disease, changes in metabolism, physical and mental changes in your brain. Sometimes with recovery, these changes can correct themselves but sometimes they don’t.

And as I am finding out, sometimes it takes a really long time for those changes to be noticed. See, I didn’t lose the weight and become a walking skeleton. I kept my teeth and I didn’t have the wrinkles. I was never arrested and I don’t have a criminal record. In other words, I didn’t look like the typical poster child of an addict. I used as much, if not more than anyone else I knew, but because I had the “look good”, I was able to hide it longer.

In fact, I thought I would be able to go on with my life as I got clean and I could just forget about all those years of abusing my body. But it was not to be. I have kidney and liver disease. My brain doesn’t work like it used to. I have diabetes and arthritis. And a host of other internal issues going on.

And now, I’m starting to have other things that are happening. My hair is thinning and I’m getting bad skin and wrinkles. I broken 4 teeth in the past year, 1 just last night. Some might say it’s just because I’m getting old, but I know better. You can’t put that poison in your body for so many years and not have it affect you. You don’t see many old tweakers.

But I will continue and keep moving forward. And I will slowly learn to accept my new normal. All while fighting tooth and nail every step of the way.

  • I’m grateful to be clean today. I can imagine where I would be if I hadn’t stopped. I’m grateful to have medical professionals who are working with me in my recovery. I’m grateful to those that stepped in and convinced me I wasn’t immune to what I was doing and helped me quit.

Night all. LOVES



18 Oct

I understand that mammograms are necessary and beneficial. They find certain cancers way before any symptoms are even thinking of letting you know they are here.

I just wish the process was easier. Especially if you’re not average sized. I am NOT a little girl. I have to dig in the very back of the drawers at the department store for bras. Victoria’s Secret and the like don’t even think about carrying my size.

It took 3 different angles to get just one side done! Four on the other because they wanted a really good picture of the underside. So not only was I squished and squeezed, I got to almost turn somersaults.

And while I was talking to the technician, because what else are you going to be doing while some stranger is flopping your breast about, she was saying that women with smaller than average breasts also have problems getting a mammogram. It’s hard to squeeze and squish something that isn’t there.

  • I’m grateful that I don’t have to go back for another year unless there’s something wrong with the “girls”. I’m grateful that the women I saw today didn’t say anything about my “falling out” from under the cape thing in the waiting room. I’m grateful that they had tea, juice, and crackers in the waiting area for our enjoyment while we waited. Because that’s really what I wanted to be doing. Leaning over a table looking through baskets while trying to hold myself in while in a room full of others doing the same thing.

Night all. LOVES

It’s dinner

17 Oct

My child is learning about good nutrition at school this month. I’m supposed to ask him about it and let him help plan and fix meals.

Tonight he decided that we’re having broccoli casserole, corn and I said we’re adding chicken.

The broccoli is a basic cheese sauce poured over the broccoli and baked for 20 minutes. I put the frozen chicken breasts in before I started cooking. Canned corn  in the microwave with butter and pepper on top rounds out the meal.

I’m not sure if he’ll eat the chicken, but it is being offered.

Did you know that cheese sauce bubbles over the edge of the pan? Now I get to scrub the oven. But at least he’s eating vegetables tonight. I call that a win.

  • I’m grateful for a mostly nutritious dinner. I’m grateful my house smells amazing 2 nights in a row. I’m grateful to teachers that encourages their students.

Night all. LOVES

Kitchen experiments

15 Oct

Cooking and baking are some of my coping techniques when I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed. That’s usually when I come up with some of my best recipes. Is that transferable skills from getting the munchies?

Have you heard of the dump cake? You know the one where you pour cake mix and butter over a can of fruit. I made one with pears yesterday. It’s my son’s favorite thing ever. In fact, that’s what he wanted for his birthday cake.

But he spent the night with a friend last night and I ate half the pan. So I figured I better not eat the rest of it because he knew I made it. That’s the bad thing about using the kitchen as a coping skill. You eat what you create.

I was hungry this morning, but I didn’t want cereal. I really wanted his half of the cake. So I decided to scrounge through the cupboards to see what I could come up with.

I found one of those single serve things of pears. And the light bulb went off! Make a little one just for one. I don’t have measurements for this one today. It was a some of this, some of that kind of morning.

I mixed some granola with a little pancake mix, I didn’t want to drag out the big flour jug. Added some brown sugar, I used a table spoon, like a soup spoon, rounded over. Some vanilla. The bottle was almost empty so it all went in. Mixed it all together and sprinkled it over my pears in a small pan that I had sprayed with pan spray. Poured some melted butter over it all and stuck it in a 350 oven for 25 minutes. Just like the big one. When it was done the whole house smelled of butter and brown sugar. They really need to make that a Scentsy flavor.

The funny thing is, by the time it was done, my craving was gone. Maybe the smell was what the craving was for. So I only ate part of it. I’ll have the rest as dessert after dinner.

  • I’m grateful I can make something out of nothing when I’m in the kitchen. And that 90% of the time, it ends up being delicious. I’m grateful my cravings are short lived. I’m grateful my house smells so yummy today. Brown sugar, butter and vanilla baking in the oven is heavenly.

Night all. LOVES