Archive | January, 2017

Bright light of day

31 Jan

My last post was really dark and scary. It’s the first time I’ve ever let that part of myself out in the open. Here’s the thing. Nobody hates me now. I don’t even think more than a few even paid attention.

But I feel much better now that some of that junk is out of my head. I actually got some sleep yesterday. Some dreamless, restful sleep. And when the dreams came back, because they always come back, they weren’t as powerful as before. Letting those feelings out get them to heal faster instead if staying inside to fester.

My grandmother once told me that hanging your clothes outside was the best thing ever because the sunshine bleached the clothes and killed the germs. She said the bright light of day is the best healing energy there is. She’s right. Nothing that is dark, evil or scary can survive being in the sunshine and light. I just need to get more sunshine inside.

  • Today, I’m grateful for a beautiful bright day. I’m grateful for some restful sleep. I’m grateful I made it through the night.

Night all. LOVES

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Midnight fears

29 Jan

I know I usually write in the evening, but this one needed to come out now. I had to put this out there now. Maybe writing this down will calm the voices long enough to get some peace.

So many say to give him a chance. He might do a good job. We shouldn’t want the pilot to crash the plane we’re on. Then there are so many that compare him to Hitler. And then there’s his own words in his speeches and his tweets. And his actions. I see more division and unrest in this country and around the world since he was elected. I have had this feeling of impending doom for weeks. When I say my prayers at night, I ask for more time because I’m not ready to be done yet. I’m feeling so unsettled and unsure of everything I say and do. I see people fighting with friends and families and saying mean evil things to other. Things that can never be unsaid. People are vowing to never talk to the other side. And they aren’t going to quit fighting. That their side is the only right side. I’ve always believed that there are 3 side to every argument. This side, that side, and the truth is somewhere in the middle. I don’t like living this way. I don’t like this feeling of despair and wanting to give up. Of wanting to withdraw from everything because it’s making me crazier than I already am. Today is the first time in 6 years that I don’t want to write a gratitude list. There have been many times that I have had a hard time finding something to be grateful for, but I always did it. I’m struggling with all these thoughts that are constantly running through my head. I can’t sleep until I’m so exhausted I pass out. But the thoughts still don’t stop. It effects my dreams. It effects my behavior. It effects my peace of mind. And I don’t want this. I know that the unrest in the big world is affecting my feelings in my little life. And I’m not sure what to do. I’m afraid for me. I’m afraid of what I might do. I’m afraid of what I want to do.

  • Today I have to go back to the very beginning. I’m grateful I’m clean and sober. I’m grateful for my life. I’m grateful for having this chance at having a do over.

Night all. LOVES

Thoughts

29 Jan

What do you think about when someone asks, “What’s on your mind?” Do you always answer what you’re thinking about? Or do you filter it? Say something like “nothing much” or “it’s not important” when in reality it could be something that could affect your whole world?

I know I don’t always say out loud what I’m thinking. Mostly because I know it would shock others to REALLY know about me. And I want people to still like me. To really know how my brain works. Because it’s not always pretty in there an it’s not always puppies, kittens and flowers.

Sometimes I am thinking some dark, twisted stuff. And I’m afraid to share that. But sometimes, you really need to. So you find that person who you can hopefully trust with your deepest, darkest you. And pray that they don’t stomp on you. Or laugh at you. Or worse, tell someone else.

I went to a recovery meeting last night and the subject of sponsorship came up. A sponsor is someone you work the steps with. Who helps you find your inner pain and help you let it out so it can begin to heal. But for the process to work, you have to tell them stuff. Stuff you’ve hidden from everyone. Sometimes even from yourself.

It takes great courage to share the inner YOU with someone else. I think finding a sponsor is one of the toughest parts of recovery. Sometimes even harder than stopping using. Because using is a solitary action. Even when using with others because you’re alone inside.

I don’t have a happy ending to this today. It’s something that will come up again. But writing this blog is helping. Because it let’s me put some of that deep, dark stuff out into the light of day without fear of rejection to my face.

  • Today, I’m grateful to have finally gotten some sleep today. I’m grateful I started this blog. It’s helping me heal. I’m grateful to you for letting me share my stuff with you.

Night all. LOVES

It’s a good thing? Right?

28 Jan

My 15 year old son left for a weekend trip with his youth group this afternoon. He’ll be gone until Sunday afternoon. This isn’t the first time he’s gone away but it still feels strange to just drop him off and hope he makes it home unscathed. Maybe it’s because he’s the last of the my Mohicans, as I like to call him. He’s my baby. And he’s growing up.

My eldest is almost 30, so that means I’ve been an active mom for 30 years.(gotta count the 9 months before he got here!) I’m wondering what comes after being an active mom. Yes, I know I’ll always be a mom, but when the youngest moves on to whatever he’s got next, I won’t be an ACTIVE parent.

Although, because of his issues, he has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and multiple delays to name a few, he might be in my home longer than most kids. And now I’m wondering if I’m encouraging him to stay where he is and not progress to where he could be? Am I being a bad parent?

I will admit that it’s difficult to write this today because I’m not sure where I want this to go and what in particular I’m trying to get across. I guess that means I need to do some more soul searching and figure it out.

  • Today I’m grateful to have a weekend to myself for some self-care. I’m grateful that he feels comfortable enough to go away for the weekend without family. I’m grateful that I know I need to work on this. Growth is good. For both of us.

Night all. LOVES

I’m a hoarder

27 Jan

I had a housing inspection today. I also have borderline hoarding disorder. Let’s just say that those 2 things will never be best of friends. It wasn’t as bad as its ever been, but it could have been better.

I always have great ideas on how to control my hoarding tendencies. I did a 91 day decluttering challenge. I think I made it to day 53 before just thinking about the next day made me cry for hours. I’ve tried the bring one in, take one out philosophy. That doesn’t work well when it comes to multiple items. Does a set of towels cut as 1 or 12? Maybe I should move into a tiny house so I have less space to fill up? Because they say you will fill a space whether it’s a studio or a mansion. Sometimes I wish I could come home and the house would be completely empty! Just bare walls. Because THEN maybe I could get a grip and not collect junk next time.

I don’t like this part of myself and I AM trying to change it. I go at it just like my other addictions. One day at a time. And I try to do the steps around hoarding. Maybe I should find a hoarders anonymous? It’s really hard to throw things away and get rid of things. “I might need it someday” or “somebody could really use this” or “this is really cool, but I’ll never use it!  BUT IT’S REALLY COOL!”

The really sad part is I’ve passed it on to my children. My youngest has problems throwing even garbage away. It’s stressful! Why does throwing stuff away make your head hurt? I get shortness of breath, and my heart pounds. It’s almost like being locked in a theater that shows nothing but horror movies 24/7. I suppose the best I can do is what I can do today.

  • Today I’m grateful they didn’t immediately slap a condemned sticker in my door when they were here. I’m grateful I’m learning to get by with less. I’m grateful to be willing to work on my issues to be a better me.

Night all. LOVES

 

Time

26 Jan

I’ve been sick, tired or just blah for almost a month. Just can’t seem to get out of this hole I’m in. I know it takes time to heal, but why can’t time move faster when I want it to? But on the other hand, there are lots of times that I just want to stop time from passing.

Is it just a human trait to want to control time? You never see animals upset that time isn’t moving at the speed they want. Do they even care about time passing? If they’re tired, they take a nap. If they are hungry, they will find a nice yummy snack. Even when they have a disagreement with another animal, they fight it out and the winner moves on. Sometimes, even the loser gets to move on.

I was talking to one of my kids today about the game, Cat’s Cradle. I told him it was basically a time waster because you just keep making the same designs over and over. So does that mean that it’s a waste of time to just BE for a moment or two?

Then of course, there are those who just let time pass them by. Are they really worse off because they aren’t doing what society thinks they should be doing? I have been watching a lady on YouTube who quit her job and decided to live in a 20 year old RV and just go spend her time in nature doing what she wants when she wants. She’s figured out how to make a living doing it so she’s not on government assistance. So is she using her time wisely? And what about those that wish they had the time to do that.

Should I be better at time management? And who gets to decide whether my management of time is the correct time? Because obviously, this blog is about time and where I fit in the space-time continuum. Should I find out if H. G. Wells actually made The Time Machine and try to do time over? Or should I just decide its time to do something else? Or nothing else? Maybe try to keep time in a bottle? I guess I can come back to this thought time and time again. So until next time. Time out.

  • I’m grateful today my child came to help untrash his brother’s room. It’s not perfect, but it’s getting there. Just give me time. Today I’m grateful there’s still time to get my house done before the inspection. I’m grateful I’m almost out of time for today. My brain is tired and needs a nap. Anybody got a rock I can borrow so I can rock myself to sleep?

Night all. LOVES

Spirals

24 Jan

I’m not doing well today. Sometimes having bipolar disorder can be aggravating. It makes life into spirals. Sometime it spirals down and sometimes it spirals up. I feel like one of those wind chimes that spin around like a top.

I can’t name anything specific that is causing all these feelings and thoughts to be all jumbled up together in my brain. I can’t think straight. My thoughts are scattered and it’s really hard to focus on one particular thing. It reminds me of a dog park when the squirrels are out!

Maybe it’s the time of year. Mid winter is when it’s just cold and dreary. The holidays and all that stress is over. Valentine’s, St Patrick’s day and Easter are still weeks away.

I just know that my house mirrors how my mind is inside and right now it’s trashed. I haven’t done dishes in days. I haven’t put the Christmas stuff away. It’s in a giant tote in the middle of the living room. I have paths through the house because I have clutter and nonsense everywhere.

I have a housing inspection this week and I’m so not ready. I shouldn’t be surprised because I had one last year at this time. I suppose I should just start by stacking up the dishes. Everything starts with that first step.

  • I’m grateful for the inspection because it forces me to accomplish something. I’m grateful to get to the crazy doctor today. I’m grateful for Pandora. At least my spiraling has good much accompanying it.

Night all. LOVES