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June 18, 2009.

19 Jun

In the spring of 2009 an interesting thing happened to me. Somebody turned me in to child welfare for using drugs. I found out when a nice lady showed up on my doorstep with cup in hand wanting me to pee in it. She said if I didn’t she had the authority to take my children with her.

Me, being the good addict I was, figured that since I had just did some, it didn’t have time to get to my bladder yet. So I said sure, what have I got to lose. Of course it came back dirty! Addicts have the worst thinking errors. She ended up taking my kids anyway.

And so my journey began. I started with outpatient treatment 3 days a week. But I continued to use on the days I didn’t have to go. And tried so many crazy ways to give a clean sample on the days I did.

The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. And I couldn’t get more than 15 days in a row. It was so hard. I couldn’t see my kids. The eldest was off doing his own thing and refusing to speak to me. The middle one was on the run from his foster homes and I didn’t know where he was. And I had to have 2 clean samples in a row to see the youngest. The people I was living with didn’t want me to be clean because then they would have to move out. So I was going to Day Treatment up to 4 days a week. And sneaking out of the house to get to meetings.

I remember for my birthday, my dealer showed up at the door with a nice package for my present. She said she missed me. Why is it when you WANT to use, you can NEVER find free dope, but when you DON’T WANT to use, everybody is giving you some?! So I sat on my couch, crying because I was 42, my life sucked, and used every single drop of Meth I had because I didn’t want to waste any by throwing it away.

When I came down, I made myself a promise. I wanted to be done! And I would do what needed to be done to get clean. I went for a walk around the block and sat on the church lawn. And prayed! And cried! And prayed some more! Some gentleman came out and sat with me and we just talked. He told me how much my Heavenly Father lived me and wanted me to come back to church. And if I would keep doing the next right thing, He would help me get it done.

I went to a meeting the next afternoon and I found a sponsor. Her sponsor told her that she needed to be my sponsor before I even asked. She was amazing. I called her every night. And we went to meetings together 3-4 times a week. She helped me with the people living with me. She encouraged me to tell them at treatment to sign me up for inpatient.

The night of June 18th, she took me to a speaker meeting where this really old guy talked about his days as a methhead. And that he got clean. And I saw myself in his story. Because I had used the night before, I was the newest one there. He gave me a signed copy of the book he wrote. I still have it. That’s the last time I used! I got a spot at an inpatient facility and went in on June 30th. I’m still clean today.

It’s NOT easy. Life still sucks. But it’s manageable most of the time. I try every day to keep my Heavenly Father first in all I do. And He helps me keep that day sacred.

As long as I remember my HP and my cleandate, everything else will work out. And that person who turned me in? I tell him I love him and thank you every day.

  • Today, I am SOOO grateful for 8 drug free years. I am grateful that a stranger told me that my Heavenly Father still loved me even after everything I had done. I am grateful that I was someone else’s ‘sponsor homework’.

Night all. LOVES

 

H. E. A. D. A. C. H. E.

14 Jun

There’s an old joke that comes to mind today. Is the above word pronounced hed-a-shay or hed-a-shee? Neither it’s pronounced hed-āke. Today is ending with one if those!

It started as a day where you just want to lie in bed with the covers up to your nose type of day. I should have listened to my gut because it’s been all downhill from there.

The child hasn’t done his final project that’s due tomorrow morning. So we got to do that right after school while getting ready to leave.

I had my monthly community service meeting tonight. And I left there wondering why I’m going every month to listen to people arguing about why THEIR position is right and YOURS is wrong. It’s gotten to where I’m afraid to say anything because it’s going to start another “discussion”.

And it’s not ending well either. But it is ending. Which is a good thing. All that’s left of the day is to get the child to sleep and get me to sleep.

It’s not as easy as it sounds because NOW he’s hungry! Fruity Pebbles to the rescue.

  • I’m grateful that today is almost over. I’m grateful that there’s only 2 more days of school. And all assignments need to be finished tomorrow. I’m grateful my decisions today were only $40 instead of $80.

Night all. LOVES

 

Popsicle season

10 Jun

School gets out next week on Friday. They’ve added almost a whole extra week because there were too many snow days this winter. Really annoying going to school halfway through June because it cuts into popsicle season.

During the summer, my son and I love to make our own popsicles. Mainly so we can control how much sugar and other bad stuff is in what we eat. We wait until school is out to keep summer vacation interesting.

Our favorite is to make aqua fresca and then freeze it. You know, put 2 cups of fruit in the blender, add 2 cup of water, and make juice. Then pour it into popsicle molds. He likes watermelon. I like strawberry lime(use a half cup of lime juice in place of some of the water).

Another one we like to do is freeze our homemade “milkshakes” into popsicles. Put a frozen banana, half cup of yogurt, 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, 2 tablespoons of hot cocoa mix, a cup of ice cubes, and enough milk to make it blend. Between a half cup to a full cup, depending on how thick you want it. I use almond milk for mine.

This year I want to try a coconut pineapple one. He wants to figure out how to do a fudgesicle, root beer floatsicle, and a creamsicle. Gotta spend the summer being constructive.

  • I’m grateful for only one more week of school! Have I mentioned that I really don’t like waking him up in the morning? I’m grateful that Popsicle sticks are coming in the mail. 100 for under $5 for food grade sticks is amazing! I’m grateful I get to spend the night watching YouTube for how to Popsicle videos because the Boy is off to his Sissy’s for the night.

Night all. LOVES

Aftermath

9 Jun

I went on an adventure today with my middle child, a neighbor, and her daughter. It started as just a quick trip to the pharmacy, but quickly turned into a roadtrip.

We stopped at a gas station, then went to Dutch Bros. I wasn’t thinking and ordered a small freeze. Chocolate salted caramel, no coffee, with whipped cream. Next time I’m going to have to order the smaller one and get sugar-free, dairy-free.

Headed across town to the pharmacy, it’s inside the doctor’s office, I used the chicken handle so many times, I’m surprised it’s still there. My child drives like his father!

Since I bought Dutch Bros, my friend bought Wendy’s. I finally checked my blood sugar and took some insulin. I think it was too little, too late. I’ve been sick since I came home. A nap hasn’t even helped much.

I had a huge salad for dinner and I’m hoping the insulin I just took will help. But I think it’s going to be tomorrow until I’m feeling chipper again.

  • I’m grateful to get my medicine today. Now I can refill my daily pill minders. I’m grateful to get out and about today. But I’m really glad to be home. I’m grateful to realize that I’m not young and stupid anymore. I learn from my mistakes.

Night all. LOVES

Gratitude

27 May

All I have in me today is my gratitude. I’m so angry and depressed that I can’t seem to get anything accomplished. I know I’m in a deep hole when I notice I’m yelling at my kid more often than not. It’s really bad when he has to remind me that every time I’ve talked to him in the last couple days has been with a raised voice.

So I’m putting myself in timeout. Some music, a book, and removing me from the situation is in order.

  • Today I’m grateful to realize that I need a timeout so I’ll quit coming out sideways. I’m grateful today to have a really cool playlist on YouTube Red. I’m grateful it’s the start of a long weekend so I have some time to change my mindset.

Night all. LOVES

CPAP machine

19 May

When I first found out I needed to start using a CPAP machine, I was told that it would help my sleep. I think it’s gotten worse. Using the machine was supposed to help me be less sleepy all day by helping to get better sleep at night.

Before, I had multiple episodes of insomnia. I was always sleepy. I didn’t have much energy. I’ve been on it for 2 weeks now and the only thing that’s changed is I’m more frustrated. I’m still awake at least half of the night. I’m sleeping more during the day, and I’m NOT sleeping very well when I do fall asleep. And lately, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night because it feels like I’m under water.

I see the doctor next week and I’ll bring up all my issues. I just want to get some sleep. I hope it will help my attitude because it’s been lousy.

  • I’m grateful to have this opportunity to try to help my sleep. I’m grateful the machine at least is helping me breathe a little better. I’m grateful tomorrow is Friday. I really need a weekend.

Night all. LOVES

Allergies

12 May

When you get a stuffy nose and start sneezing, what is your first thought? If you are one of the lucky ones like me who have allergies, it is always, “Is it a cold? Or is it my allergies?”

I grew up in Idaho and while I knew I was allergic to animal dander, I didn’t really think I was allergic to anything else. I was also a kid and didn’t know any different.

When I was 18, I moved to California. THAT is when I found out what allergies could mean. Days of not being able to breathe. Walking around with the giant box if Kleenex or a whole roll of toilet paper. Whichever I could afford at the moment. Itchy, watery eyes burning all the time.

Now that I live in Oregon, my allergies have bloomed. I think I’m allergic to everything. I seem to be stuffy with sinus pressure more days than not. Normal is an allergy medicine every day whether I need it or not. Most often I need it.

It has also affected my new CPAP machine use. The hose connects to this thing that fits under my nose. I have to sleep with my mouth closed. Ever tried to sleep with your mouth closed when your allergies have kicked up? I had to go get a different mask today that covers my mouth too. Came home and took a nap. The best sleep I have had in ages!

I’m still stuffy and congested. But I know that I’ll be able to sleep at night. And I’ll keep a roll of toilet paper next to the bed just in case.

  • Today I’m grateful I didn’t get too wet on my adventures. It was a good day. Only 3 hours for a 30 minute appointment. I’m grateful tomorrow is Friday. I am so ready for the weekend. I’m grateful my blood sugar numbers are lower tonight than they have been for a while.

Night all. LOVES