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Rainy Saturday

22 Oct

What is your favorite thing to do on a Saturday when it’s forecast to have over an inch of rain over the weekend? You have chicken soup, great music, a book or two, and at least one woobie. Most likely two.

It’s a good thing I don’t rely on solar for electricity because I wouldn’t have any power this weekend. I don’t think it’s gotten about twilight all day. Makes sleeping in or napping particularly easy.

  • I’m grateful for a mostly lazy day of self care. I’m grateful I made enough soup yesterday for leftovers today. I’m grateful to have today to get over being sick.

Night all. LOVES

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Cold and flu season

20 Oct

It’s that time of year again. Where every other person is sniffling, sneezing and coughing all over everything. And no matter how vigilant you are, you are going to catch it. It’s cold and flu season.

I’m feeling rough today. Headache, yucky tummy, and everything hurts. My child called me from school today saying he doesn’t feel good either. I have no way to go get him. School is over soon anyway.

Sometimes I wish I had a wood stove with a pot of chicken soup constantly bubbling on a back corner. But I live in an electric society. So I have an electric skillet going this afternoon. It’s the biggest cooking vessel I have besides my crock pots. And I don’t want to dig THEM out of the back of the cupboard. I probably should anyway. Besides, I’m hoping we’re feeling better sooner than later.

  • I’m grateful to always buy frozen chicken so it’s in the freezer when I need it. I’m grateful it’s supposed to rain heavily all weekend. Less arguing about staying in and resting. I’m grateful that this time we’re both getting sick at the same time. Maybe we’ll be able to get it out of the way and not pass it back and forth all winter.

Night all. LOVES

Effects of addiction

18 Oct

I am an addict in recovery. I don’t hide that fact. Not because I’m proud I used drugs and alcohol to change my thoughts, feelings, and behavior, but because I am proud that I have been NOT using for over 8 years.

I feel if I hide who I was and who I am now from the world, the people who know me will only see the “look good” part of me. But I am also the parts of me that are not pretty and the broken. And even though I have time being clean, some things will always be broken and ugly.

My drug of choice was Meth. We have all heard about the outward ravages of what using it can do. The sores, the skeleton looks, the bad teeth, and looking old before your time. And there are internal effects also. Kidney and liver disease, changes in metabolism, physical and mental changes in your brain. Sometimes with recovery, these changes can correct themselves but sometimes they don’t.

And as I am finding out, sometimes it takes a really long time for those changes to be noticed. See, I didn’t lose the weight and become a walking skeleton. I kept my teeth and I didn’t have the wrinkles. I was never arrested and I don’t have a criminal record. In other words, I didn’t look like the typical poster child of an addict. I used as much, if not more than anyone else I knew, but because I had the “look good”, I was able to hide it longer.

In fact, I thought I would be able to go on with my life as I got clean and I could just forget about all those years of abusing my body. But it was not to be. I have kidney and liver disease. My brain doesn’t work like it used to. I have diabetes and arthritis. And a host of other internal issues going on.

And now, I’m starting to have other things that are happening. My hair is thinning and I’m getting bad skin and wrinkles. I broken 4 teeth in the past year, 1 just last night. Some might say it’s just because I’m getting old, but I know better. You can’t put that poison in your body for so many years and not have it affect you. You don’t see many old tweakers.

But I will continue and keep moving forward. And I will slowly learn to accept my new normal. All while fighting tooth and nail every step of the way.

  • I’m grateful to be clean today. I can imagine where I would be if I hadn’t stopped. I’m grateful to have medical professionals who are working with me in my recovery. I’m grateful to those that stepped in and convinced me I wasn’t immune to what I was doing and helped me quit.

Night all. LOVES

 

Mammograms

18 Oct

I understand that mammograms are necessary and beneficial. They find certain cancers way before any symptoms are even thinking of letting you know they are here.

I just wish the process was easier. Especially if you’re not average sized. I am NOT a little girl. I have to dig in the very back of the drawers at the department store for bras. Victoria’s Secret and the like don’t even think about carrying my size.

It took 3 different angles to get just one side done! Four on the other because they wanted a really good picture of the underside. So not only was I squished and squeezed, I got to almost turn somersaults.

And while I was talking to the technician, because what else are you going to be doing while some stranger is flopping your breast about, she was saying that women with smaller than average breasts also have problems getting a mammogram. It’s hard to squeeze and squish something that isn’t there.

  • I’m grateful that I don’t have to go back for another year unless there’s something wrong with the “girls”. I’m grateful that the women I saw today didn’t say anything about my “falling out” from under the cape thing in the waiting room. I’m grateful that they had tea, juice, and crackers in the waiting area for our enjoyment while we waited. Because that’s really what I wanted to be doing. Leaning over a table looking through baskets while trying to hold myself in while in a room full of others doing the same thing.

Night all. LOVES

I’m just here

12 Oct

I went to see the doctor at the sleep clinic today. It was my 6 month follow-up to see how me and my CPAP machine are getting along. Apparently we’re doing just fine. All my numbers are good and there seems to be improvements. If fact, I’m doing so well, I don’t need to go back until next October. Unless something comes up before then. The nurse even gave me an insulated cover for my hose so the condensation will be less. Score!

I made all my bus connections. I didn’t need my umbrella for most of the day. I got to listen to the nice, strange lady on the bus sing the Ironman song multiple times.

So why ain’t I happy? I can’t figure it out! I should be jumping for joy, but I’m not. But I’m not really sad either. I’m just kind of here. I really, really want to take my heavy comforter upstairs to my bed and crawl under it.

I was supposed to go to my therapist yesterday. But I didn’t. I called and rescheduled it for tomorrow. And I didn’t go to my housing committee meeting either. I only went today because it’s too hard to reschedule. I have to go tomorrow to the therapist because my son and I are out of our prescriptions. The pharmacy is inside the clinic. Saves trips.

I wrote about having feelings yesterday and today I don’t seem to have the right ones. I guess that’s why I see a therapist?

  • I’m grateful to get good news from the sleep doctor today. I’m grateful to have my heavy comforter to crawl under in a little while. I’m grateful for chicken ramen for dinner tonight. Maybe I’ll put some broccoli and tofu in it to make it semi-healthy.

Night all. LOVES

No longer numb

10 Oct

I’ve had some really tough times in my life. I’ve had some great times too. I will admit that I used all those years because when you are high, you don’t feel. Why not be numb instead of feeling all the bad things that happened. Even when good things happened and you were numb and couldn’t feel, it was okay because deep down you knew that it was a trade-off for not hurting.

I’ve been clean for over 8 years now. And good or bad, I have feelings again. Sometimes really big feelings. Sometimes little feelings. And sometimes those feelings feel like they are too big or too little for the time and place I’m in.

See, because of all those years of not feeling, I never had to learn to regulate myself. I never had to know how I should act or feel in a certain situation because I didn’t feel at all. So now I get to learn how. Here I am over 50 years old and dealing with things like an eight year old would. Because I AM 8!

But even if I cry at sappy commercials and feel good stories, or feel really upset when bad things happen and take forever to get a grip, I am so very glad to have feelings today. And I’m so happy to not deaden my feelings anymore.

  • I’m grateful to feel today. I’m grateful to have to opportunity to learn to deal with my feelings. I’m grateful to know that even if I’m feeling really rotten at this moment, I will feel better soon.

Night all. LOVES

Just gratitude

10 Oct

I’m still not feeling too hot today so it’s just going to be short and sweet.

  • Today I’m grateful I bought lots of cheese at the store. Quesadilla for me and burritos for him for dinner. I’m grateful it’s almost bedtime. My patience meter is almost full. I’m grateful to have a therapist appointment tomorrow.

Night all. LOVES