Archive | May, 2017

Kindness

31 May

I watched a video on YouTube today called The Gnomist. It brought me to tears because it touched my heart. It showed how one woman’s kindness changed a community.

It made me think. How has a kindness changed YOUR community? Here in Portland, there is a huge wall of love and positivity at the sight of the vicious attack this weekend. It was started by one person showing a kindness to others and it’s just grown.

Have you ever had someone leave you a surprise? How did it make YOU feel? Have YOU ever left someone else a surprise? How did it make YOU feel?

Kindness is infectious. It spreads like wildfire. All it takes is one person to change the world one kindness at a time. Will you be the one?

  • Today I’m grateful to know that special surprise of receiving a secret gift. I’m grateful to know the satisfaction of giving someone else that warm feeling of love in a secret gift. I’m grateful to know that I’m NOT too jaded to believe in the selfless kindness of others.

Night all. LOVES

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Memorial Day

30 May

Today is Memorial Day here in the United States. It’s a day we remember all those who gave their lives for this country to have the freedoms we have.

I remember when I was a kid, going to help my grandmother decorate graves of every soldier she knew of. We usually went to the different cemeteries in the area. There were so many because she lived through the war and some never came home. She also made sure that we did the graves of those that seemed to have been forgotten.

I remember the first Memorial Day after my daughter died going to the cemetery. It was so moving to walk up and down the rows of all those who had given their lives for me to be here. She had been buried in a small section on a local military cemetery. I always thought it was special for my child to be guarded by all those men after she died.

Now Memorial Day is just a holiday to be off work or school and to start the summer. I don’t see much patriotism like I did when I was younger and it makes me sad. I know that part of that is my fault because I’ve been so complacent in my life. I need to fix that.

  • Today I’m grateful to all those who serve every day in the Armed Forces. I’m grateful to live in this country that was forged in the blood of my ancestors. I’m grateful for the freedom of speech and my ability to share my thoughts here.

Night all. LOVES

Grounded

29 May

I always thought that being grounded was the worst thing ever when I was a kid. Being grounded meant not going anywhere or doing anything fun for however long the prescribed time was.

As I look back on it now, being grounded to five acres of land in the middle of nowhere probably wasn’t too bad. So I couldn’t go to any of my friend’s houses. My closest friend lived a couple of miles away. I wasn’t going over much anyway because it was too far away. So I couldn’t watch TV. There were only three channels. And not much worth watching, at least in a kid’s eyes.

I’ve come to realize that grounding my child has a consequence. For me. When he’s grounded, I’m grounded. I think I’m going to need to find something else because as much as I live staying home in my cave, I don’t like it when I can’t leave  if I want to. Now I realize why my mom didn’t ground us that often.

  • I’m grateful to my Mom for putting up with me when I was a hellion. I’m grateful that hindsight is 20/20. I’m grateful I’m still learning about this parenting thing.

Night all. LOVES

Memorial Day Weekend

28 May

As I sit here tonight trying to write, many thoughts are running through my mind. It’s really hard to focus on any one thing in particular. I do know we’re staying really close to home this weekend for several reasons.

First of all, it’s Memorial Day. A day where we celebrate the ultimate sacrifice of so many who gave their lives in the pursuit of freedom. I know there are many picnics, BBQs, and stuff going on to say summer is finally here, but I remember going with my parents and grandparents to the cemeteries to decorate the graves of the fallen. So THAT’S what Memorial Day means to me.

It’s really hot for Portland today. It’s almost 90 so the A/C is going and we’re contemplating sleeping downstairs tonight.

I ride public transportation almost exclusively because I don’t have a license to drive. I know that having a car would be easier on my anxiety and peace of mind, but it’s so much cheaper than a car. You can’t own a car for $30 a month! This week has really raised my anxiety about it. Two guys were killed and one was injured by some idiot on a MAX train. The idiot was spouting offensive and abusive language, mostly aimed at two young Muslim women. When some guys stepped in to ask the idiot to take it off the train, he stabbed them, killing them. What is this world coming to when you can be killed for standing up for others?

Carson twisted his ankle last night and is complaining of not being able to walk. I would worry except when he doesn’t see my watching he uses it pretty good. When he realizes I’m watching, he almost falls to the floor saying it hurts too much to walk anymore. It’s really funny.

  • I’m grateful tonight that most of my kids have checked in saying they are okay. Yes, I did tell them they had to after the attack yesterday. I’m grateful to have A/C in my safe, cozy cave where I can lock the doors. I’m grateful to live in a country where all are welcome and 95% have come from somewhere else to make this great big melting pot of a country. It’s sad that a few bad apples can make it seem less welcoming.

Night all. LOVES

 

Gratitude

27 May

All I have in me today is my gratitude. I’m so angry and depressed that I can’t seem to get anything accomplished. I know I’m in a deep hole when I notice I’m yelling at my kid more often than not. It’s really bad when he has to remind me that every time I’ve talked to him in the last couple days has been with a raised voice.

So I’m putting myself in timeout. Some music, a book, and removing me from the situation is in order.

  • Today I’m grateful to realize that I need a timeout so I’ll quit coming out sideways. I’m grateful today to have a really cool playlist on YouTube Red. I’m grateful it’s the start of a long weekend so I have some time to change my mindset.

Night all. LOVES

Hot buttered noodles

26 May

I’m home alone tonight for dinner and I wasn’t in the mood to be extravagant. So I decided to do simple and easy comfort food.

Hot buttered noodles reminds me of being newly married and learning to cook for my husband and I. Honestly, I wasn’t a very good cook when I was first married. Most of what I know now, I’ve learned along the way. It’s really simple and the first time I served it was next to a baked chicken breast. He hated it! It became something I made again and again when I was home alone.

Bring a pot of salted water to a boil and add your pasta. Tonight I used egg noodles, but I’ve used angel hair and spaghettini too. You don’t want a heavy pasta. Drain the noodles when al denté and return to pan. Add a chunk of butter. Maybe a tablespoon or two. Add seasonings of your choice. Pepper, garlic powder, dehydrated onions, some hot pepper flakes, and a touch of sriracha. I used 4 it those packets of Parmesan from Pizza Hut because that’s what I had stashed in a drawer somewhere. Stir well and serve. Tonight I added some chopped broccoli a minute before a drained the noodles.

I don’t know if my ex-husband would still hate my buttered noodles, but I like them.

  • Today I’m grateful to keep trying in the face of adversity. I’m grateful I like simple. I’m grateful to listen to the kids outside playing while eating my dinner.

Night all. LOVES

Sinking

25 May

One of the worst parts of being bipolar that I have noticed is that when I’m on the up and down cycles of the rollercoaster in my mind, I can see what’s ahead, but I can’t get off. And I can’t reach the controls because I’m ON the ride. Every time I go by the operator’s control panel, he’s either not looking or paying attention. Or else he’s just gone altogether. Nobody can hear  me screaming to get off. Probably because I’m not yelling.

Why is it that I can see me floundering, but can’t do anything about it? I feel so broken today. And nothing has changed since yesterday. Or the day before. Today started just like every other day. Get up and get Carson up for school. And I try to stay awake, but I can’t. I end up sleeping the day away. And I’m sleeping all night. Just don’t want to wake up.

I know I’m in a down cycle and I know I need to get out, I just haven’t figured out how yet. I guess that saying “Take it one day at a time.” is in play for a bit.

  • I’m grateful today that I have a safe place to crash. I’m grateful that I learned to build rollercoasters in my youth so I know how they work. I’m grateful to know that what goes under must come back up.

Night all. LOVES