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A year later

21 Nov

I started this blog in earnest a year ago. Over the past year I’ve learned a few things. Writing every day can be a challenge, but it’s also rewarding. I feel like my writing has changed mostly for the better. I am able to let my voice be heard. And I’ve learned that others might actually want to hear it. Thank you all for listening, reading, commenting and encouraging me on this journey.

  • I’m grateful I started this blog a year ago. I’m grateful I didn’t quit even when it got hard. I’m grateful that I know I still have more to say and I’m not done yet.

Night all. LOVES


4:44 AM

16 Nov

My daughter was born at 4:44am on September 6, 1991. She went to heaven on December 21, 1991. So she was here for 107 days. But she’s always in my heart.

The person (he was my sister-in-law’s pastor) who spoke at the funeral, told us that the number 444 was important and that we should always remember it. So I think about her every time I wake up in the middle of the night. When I was using, and I was already awake, I would have conversations with her. Now that I’m sober, I still do just because it’s a habit. And it’s comforting.

So this morning when I woke up not feeling very well, I figured it was my daughter coming to check on me. Especially because I was dreaming about her.

Because I had my tooth pulled yesterday I haven’t been eating much so I’ve been really paying attention to my sugar levels. So I checked when I woke up. They were low so I knew to get up and eat something.

  • I’m grateful for beliefs that get me through the difficulties of life. I’m grateful to that man offering a comforting thought to a grieving family so long ago. I’m grateful I have a habit of checking my sugar when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Night all. LOVES

What is self-sufficiency

24 Aug

I did an interview for a research project for housing improvement today. They are looking for ways to get more people housed and self-sufficient.

I spent 2 hours talking to this woman about my hopes and dreams, my barriers and difficulties. What would be in my perfect world and most importantly, when would I be able to say that I was self-sufficient.

I talked about how everything hinges on finding safe, affordable housing. Think about it. How would a criminal stay out of jail if he needed to do crime to find a place to sleep. How would someone trying to be clean and sober stay that way when they need to stay at the dopehouse or on the streets. What about those with mental health issues that can’t function so they are on the streets. And without lots of supports, the odds of these people losing housing is high. If they can get it in the first place.

If someone on the streets has a criminal record, drug and alcohol issues, and has mental health issues, right there they have 3 strikes. And 3 strikes you’re out.

I have thought about this subject so much in the last 8 years since I’ve gotten clean. I WANT to be self-sufficient. I WANT to be considered a winner and not a drain on society. I WANT to be able to walk down the street with my head held high and not hiding in the corners because of where and how I live. And I WANT my children to be better than me.

My youngest son had his issues and the odds of him living independently are not high at this time. So when I think about where he will be when he’s 40, I stress and worry. When he’s 40, I will be 75. I want him to be taken care of and not dumped somewhere because he has nowhere to go.

So to answer the question, What do I consider being self-sufficient? I will consider myself to be self-sufficient when I know that by the time he is 40, he will be in safe supportive housing. I don’t mean I want it to take me 20 years to be self-sufficient either. The sooner the better is my wish.

The other thing about that question is that it can be suggestive. The answer is fluid and always changing. And it’s not the same answer for everyone. I hope the 2 hours I spent today with help change the future in some small way for someone. It will be awesome if it’s for me or my offspring.

  • Today, I’m grateful to get a gift card to talk about myself and my thoughts for 2 hours. I’m grateful to be home because talking about myself for 2 hours is tiring. I’m grateful to stop for an ice cream sandwich on the way home. It’s in the freezer for later.

Night all. LOVES

Nothing much happened today

8 Aug

I was supposed to have a housing inspection today that I have been stressed about for over 2 months. I mean really, really stressed. Make myself sick with worry stressed. It was supposed to be the last Friday in July, but because of a scheduling error, they made it for today. Plus threw in a pre-inspection inspection last week.

So I was up early to do all those last minute things you do. Like pick up all the bigger pieces, by hand because the vacuum is broken, of shredded paper your child has dragged out into the room from who knows where.

Make all the beds. Including the one that said child is still sleeping in because he doesn’t sleep during the night.

Do the dishes because said child who doesn’t sleep at night and drags scattered pieces of confetti paper through the house decided that he was hungry at 3 am! He wanted mashed potatoes and gravy!

Cleaning the toilet because after the child had mashed potatoes and gravy at 3 am, he was in the bathroom forever! Do I really need to be specific here?

Plus I cancelled my appointment for today because an adult needed to be here.

So I’m sitting there on pins and needles worrying about if I’m going to pass because my child has been home for two weeks since they were supposed to be here. And after I paid someone to come clean my bathroom and front room.

And guess what? They decided NOT to come to MY apartment! They only did random ones! And mine wasn’t one they picked.

  • I’m grateful they didn’t come to my house today. But I’m still a bit annoyed. I’m grateful that I was able to take a nap this afternoon because I needed one. I’m grateful that my child is going to sleep-away camp this weekend and then his dad’s for 10 days. Because dad needs to get up at 3 am to make mashed potatoes and gravy.

Night all. LOVES


We’re having a heat wave

24 Jun

Summer has finally kicked Spring to the curb. “THIS is my time and I’m taking it!” And she’s making up for lost time.

It has been a really wet and drizzly Spring here in Portland. I don’t think it got above 70 more than a small handful of days. She’s just been hanging on. It was raining just last week.

Well Summer just wasn’t having it anymore. We had 70’s the first part of the week and it’s 89 today.

The weather warnings have been zinging across my phone all day. First a heat advisory. Then a heat watch and finally a heat warning. I know I wanted to be a weatherdude, but I always get those terms mixed up. So I looked them up today.

This is what I get from the Weather Channel. ~An Excessive Heat Warning is issued when the heat index value is expected to reach or exceed 110 degrees within the next 12 to 24 hours. An ExcessiveHeat Warning may be issued for lower criteria if it is early in the season or during a multi-day heat wave.


And this too! With all its fancy links. ~An Excessive Heat Watch is issued by the National Weather Service of the United States when the heat index is expected to be greater than 105 °F (41 °C) across the northern states or 110 °F (43 °C) across the southern states during the day, and/or nighttime low temperature will be at least 75 °F (24 °C) or higher for two consecutive days. Note that even with the usual northern/southern criteria, local offices, particularly those with deserts or mountainous terrain, often have their own criteria. High values of the heat index are caused by temperatures being significantly above normal and high humidities, and such high levels can pose a threat to human life through conditions such as heat stroke.

My take on the whole thing is ITS GONNA GET REALLY HOT! Until at least Monday. So this morning I made lots of juice for the fridge. Two different colors of Jell-O. And made sure we have things to eat that don’t require the oven. Although I AM tempted to make some sidewalk cookies. I hope you all are keeping cool wherever you are.

  • I’m grateful to have put curtains up over the blinds in the bedrooms upstairs. It’s keeping it so much cooler up there. I’m grateful to have most of my dishes done so I can hang out in front of the a/c tonight. I’m grateful I have 4 ice trays in the freezer. And somebody will lose an arm if they put one back empty! One ice cube left constitutes empty in my book, by the way.

Night all. LOVES

June 18, 2009.

19 Jun

In the spring of 2009 an interesting thing happened to me. Somebody turned me in to child welfare for using drugs. I found out when a nice lady showed up on my doorstep with cup in hand wanting me to pee in it. She said if I didn’t she had the authority to take my children with her.

Me, being the good addict I was, figured that since I had just did some, it didn’t have time to get to my bladder yet. So I said sure, what have I got to lose. Of course it came back dirty! Addicts have the worst thinking errors. She ended up taking my kids anyway.

And so my journey began. I started with outpatient treatment 3 days a week. But I continued to use on the days I didn’t have to go. And tried so many crazy ways to give a clean sample on the days I did.

The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. And I couldn’t get more than 15 days in a row. It was so hard. I couldn’t see my kids. The eldest was off doing his own thing and refusing to speak to me. The middle one was on the run from his foster homes and I didn’t know where he was. And I had to have 2 clean samples in a row to see the youngest. The people I was living with didn’t want me to be clean because then they would have to move out. So I was going to Day Treatment up to 4 days a week. And sneaking out of the house to get to meetings.

I remember for my birthday, my dealer showed up at the door with a nice package for my present. She said she missed me. Why is it when you WANT to use, you can NEVER find free dope, but when you DON’T WANT to use, everybody is giving you some?! So I sat on my couch, crying because I was 42, my life sucked, and used every single drop of Meth I had because I didn’t want to waste any by throwing it away.

When I came down, I made myself a promise. I wanted to be done! And I would do what needed to be done to get clean. I went for a walk around the block and sat on the church lawn. And prayed! And cried! And prayed some more! Some gentleman came out and sat with me and we just talked. He told me how much my Heavenly Father lived me and wanted me to come back to church. And if I would keep doing the next right thing, He would help me get it done.

I went to a meeting the next afternoon and I found a sponsor. Her sponsor told her that she needed to be my sponsor before I even asked. She was amazing. I called her every night. And we went to meetings together 3-4 times a week. She helped me with the people living with me. She encouraged me to tell them at treatment to sign me up for inpatient.

The night of June 18th, she took me to a speaker meeting where this really old guy talked about his days as a methhead. And that he got clean. And I saw myself in his story. Because I had used the night before, I was the newest one there. He gave me a signed copy of the book he wrote. I still have it. That’s the last time I used! I got a spot at an inpatient facility and went in on June 30th. I’m still clean today.

It’s NOT easy. Life still sucks. But it’s manageable most of the time. I try every day to keep my Heavenly Father first in all I do. And He helps me keep that day sacred.

As long as I remember my HP and my cleandate, everything else will work out. And that person who turned me in? I tell him I love him and thank you every day.

  • Today, I am SOOO grateful for 8 drug free years. I am grateful that a stranger told me that my Heavenly Father still loved me even after everything I had done. I am grateful that I was someone else’s ‘sponsor homework’.

Night all. LOVES


Dream stories

4 Mar

*I started this post way early this morning around 4 am when I woke up from this dream. I started writing so I wouldn’t forget. Then finished the gratitude part this evening.*

Just woke up to a really interesting dream. We (me and lots of people I know) were at an amusement complex. There was all sorts of things to do. The night we were there, this woman I didn’t know we’ll decided she wanted the property and was willing to force us off. So they were shooting fireworks at us. Now my side decided we were going to protect our turf and fight back. And keep all the kids safe. So we started developing plan to accomplish this. I knew that the woman was going to actually hurt or kill us because that would cause an investigation and tie up bureaucracy for years and she wouldn’t be able to develop the property. So WE had the advantage. We also weren’t afraid to hurt, maim or kill her side because we would LOVE to have as many investigations and red tape as possible. We set up a plan. We had all the attractions and games and concession stands. We had weapons. We just needed to get one person out to get to the authorities.

So we proceeded to fight. And I noticed that my idea of her not wanting to actually hurt us was correct. All their shots were overhead or deliberately wide. I knew right then and there that we would win.

So we had fought our way to the fence line. And we were working on a way to get someone out without being seen. Because while she wouldn’t hurt us, she would detain us and terrorize us into giving up, volunteering to leave peacefully so she could start her development.

We were just about to send our adventurer off to the authorities when we saw her and her judgment come to the little park were we were to reload and regroup Because they hadn’t expected resistance.

We worked on getting our person out past the bad guys and we didn’t notice that all the kids saw her. And they walked over to where she was. They just wanted to see what she was doing. The kids aggravated her so much, that she started to shake the little girl. I walked up to her with my hands up so she would know that I wasn’t going to hurt her and ask for the little girl. I said I would make sure she got out of the way and wouldn’t be a bother anymore.

I then told the lady that there was no way she could win. If she hurt or killed one of us, she would never get the property developed because of litigation and red tape. And I told her that we would never give up fighting for what we felt was right. And that we didn’t care if we hurt or maimed one of her flunkies. She just hung her head in defeat and started to walk off.

AND THEN I WOKE UP!!! How messed up is that? I got right to the end of the conflict and I didn’t get to enjoy the victory. So NOT fair. And not a very well thought out dream either. Maybe I just didn’t remember it well when I woke up? Maybe I’ll get to celebrate tonight? Have to wait and see.

  • I’m grateful to remember even a part if my dream long enough to write it down. I usually don’t. Grateful to hang with my grandson, Flynn today. Grateful to get half of what was owed to me. More bills to be paid!

Night all. LOVES