Archive | February, 2017


28 Feb

I’m always saying that my son teaches me patience because he makes me learn to use it almost every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. I have to say, today has been PhD level learning day.

It started with him NOT wanting to get up today. Which is actually a normal occurrence. He never likes to get up in the morning. But it’s still makes every morning start on a frustrating note. Then it’s the end of the month so my cupboards are pretty bare. Between getting up late and nothing good in the cupboard, he has to eat breakfast at school. Not his favorite. THEY don’t care that he’s picky. It’s either eat it or go hungry.

While waiting for the bus, he likes to watch YouTube or Netflix. This morning his phone wouldn’t work. Come to find out, he had let a friend at school sign into his device and the friend had changed his password. Because we didn’t have the new password, my son’s phone wouldn’t let anything google related work. So NOT only is his phone out of commission, he is in deep trouble because he let someone else use his phone. He decided he wasn’t talking today.

Today is also the second time he is working with a new care provider(someone who hangs out and helps him). Because he isn’t talking, it’s really hard to get him to work with this new lady. He’s frustrated, she’s frustrated, and I’m frustrated.

She is very good at being consistent with him though. By an hour into their time together, she’s got him talking to her and doing what they need to be doing. It’s awesome.

Because she has him doing something else, it gave me time to look at his phone and I was able to fix it without factory resetting the phone. I just needed more patience.

Even when we are ready to kill each other, if we have a little more patience with each other and take a little time to stop and calm ourselves, we can usually work out all our differences.

  • Today I’m grateful to have patience when I truly need it. I’m grateful I didn’t have to factory reset my son’s phone. I’m grateful for the people who help me with my child. Sometimes have those few moments alone can help save my sanity.

Night all. LOVES


End of the month onion soup

27 Feb

Today is a recipe day. I usually do soup near the end of the month because the cupboards look like Old Mother Hubbard’s. Because my child isn’t home tonight, I’m making beef and onion noodle soup.

I started with a whole onion cut in thin slices. Then in a pan with some olive oil and canola oil, about a tablespoon all together, over low heat, I added the onions. Seasoned with salt and pepper and just let them hang out for a while. I would watch a YouTube video and then stir them(5-10 minutes). It took FOREVER! Almost an hour. When they were melt soft and starting to change color, and I was really hungry and not wanting to wait anymore, I added some garlic powder, dried Italian seasoning, some sriracha, and a can of Deseret beef chunks(church food pantry). Raised the heat to medium and brought it up to a boil. Added the packet and noodles from a ramen package. Turned the heat off and let it sit long enough to write this. My house smells amazing. And my tummy is rumbling so I’m going to eat.

I had to come back and edit it to tell you it’s really delicious!

  • Today I’m grateful to have the bare minimum to make something that smells so appetizing. I’m grateful my son who hates onions isn’t here so I can eat them without hiding them from him. I’m grateful that payday is in 3 days. How come the shortest month seems like the longest to get through.

Night all. LOVES


26 Feb

I’m sitting on my youngest grandson tonight while his parents are off on an adventure. Babysitting for those of you who are all aghast at actually sitting on a baby. Sheesh!

While rocking him to sleep, I was just looking at him and I noticed he has almost the same color eyes as his Aunt Amanda. He’ll never get to meet her on this side, but I firmly believe she hugged him on the other side as he came through.

I worry some times that maybe I should stop mentioning her to this new generation that has no idea who she is. As well as all the other family members who have already gone ahead. How do you explain it to little ones? I don’t even have a picture to share. I know sometimes my boys must be looking at me weird because I’m always bringing her up. Jeffrey was only 4 when she died, and Joshua and Carson came after she was gone.

That’s one of the things I always have the hardest time with. How to merge the before with the after. It doesn’t really matter what stage you are trying to merge either. Before and after high school. Marriage. Birth and death of loved ones. My cleandate. There are so many stages of life that are to be lived.

If you listen to others, most people talk about what has happened and what is going to happen. Not very many can just stay in the now. I know I have a hard time doing it. But I always try. As I sit here and watching this beautiful boy sleep, I’m very happy to be in the now.

  • I’m grateful that I’m here for my children and grandchildren. I’m grateful to go to a friend’s party for her son’s birthday. I’m grateful that the tears I’m crying are bittersweet. It means I’ve been through another transition.

Night all. LOVES

In case of emergency

25 Feb

I was talking to one of my kids the other day about what happens if there’s an emergency. Fire, flood, earthquake, the country getting bombed, etc…

We came up with some ideas. I have water stored all over my kitchen area. Every time we empty a milk bottle, I rinse it really well, sterilize it with a bleach rinse and fill it with clean tap water(a benefit of Portland Oregon water district is amazing water!), and put the bottle under one of my heavy tables. I have one that is a metal frame and one that is a solid oak frame.

I also have some freeze-dried meals under there. Not as many as I would like though. It’s hard to set up food storage when you are eating it every month. Such is life. Even an extra can of veggies is better than nothing.

I have 2 flashlights that don’t need just batteries to work. One is strictly a windup and the other is a weather radio/phone charger/windup/solar/USB/battery job that was my Christmas present this last year. It’s even little enough to carry with me when I need it.

I have a small first aid kit. But I know I need to do better keeping it put together. Probably need one to store and a DIFFERENT one to use now. Or quit being accident prone.

I was joking(maybe) that if something big happened, I was going to steal a car and go to my dad’s in Idaho. Mostly because I really don’t want to be stuck in a population center in the apocalypse. Too many people means no food; they will eat YOU! Or just kill you to cut down on needing to share resources. Maybe I need to work on a better plan?

I have all our important phone numbers written on the wall by the door, but really, if my phone doesn’t work, I’m screwed. I can’t remember to take my meds on time, I ain’t remembering a phone number. The only one I DO remember is my mom’s. And that doesn’t count anymore.

So what are you going to do just in case? How are you prepared? What do you do that is good? What do you need to work on?

  • I’m grateful that I have an up to date emergency contact list at my son’s school. It made it easy to get him home today when he was sick. I’m grateful that I’m thinking about being prepared. I need to do a better job though. I’m grateful to be willing to learn so I can take care of my family in the event of a crisis.

Night all. LOVES

Sometimes government DOESN’T suck

23 Feb

As I’ve said before, I am an ex IV drug user. I am also a diabetic. About 7 years ago, those 2 things collided to become a major trial for me. I became insulin dependant.

Now most people will look at you and say, “What’s the big deal? So you have to take insulin everyday.” I’ll tell you right now. IT IS A BIG DEAL! It is a chore every day to pick up a syringe and NOT want to get high! It’s a big deal that I have to give myself multiple shots a day. It’s a big deal that parts if my body are covered in bruises because I take so much insulin at a time.

When I was getting high, I was getting pleasure from syringes. Yes, it also hurt, but I didn’t mind because it went away quick. I didn’t mind the bruises because they were covered and nobody saw them. They would become war stories with my running buddies.

Now, syringes just bring pain. The bruises are still covered. But now, they have become a secret because when people see them, they don’t want to know about the high, they just want to know how you can do that to yourself every flipping day. They aren’t badges of honor anymore. They’ve become badges of shame.

Just today, I was talking to my therapist about how triggered I get when I use my insulin. How it’s been getting really frequently lately. How every time I am preparing my medicine, I think about getting high one more time. Just to see if it might feel good this time. Because there at the end of my use, it wasn’t good. Or fun. Or pleasurable. I was getting high because I needed to.

I was talking about how I pay for one of my prescriptions out of my own pocket so that instead of dealing with syringes 4 times a day, it’s only twice. I can use an insulin pen for 2. That’s a really big deal. Nobody looks at you weird for carrying around a big funny looking pen. Not like the looks I get when I need to take my syringes and vials with me.

Well, today has become an awesome day! My pharmacy just called me to tell me that my insurance is no longer covering my insulin in a vial. I have to switch to pens for ALL of my insulins. I can quit getting triggered by how I take my medication anymore! I am so excited. I will be finding a place to take my unused items so they won’t be in MY house anymore! I get to have peace of mind again.

  • Today I’m grateful to my Higher Power for listening to my prayers and making it easier to get the medicine I need to live every day. I’m grateful to my insurance company for changing their formulary because pens have FINALLY become the cheaper option. I’m grateful to the insulin companies for all the research they have done to make insulin better and cheaper for customers to use.

Night all. LOVES


23 Feb

I haven’t been sleeping well for a while and my doctor has scheduled me for a sleep study this weekend. We’re hoping to figure out why I’m more tired when I wake up than when I went to bed.

Sleep affects so many things. If you’re not getting enough, it affects your physical and mental health. And if you don’t feel good, you don’t want to do anything. And if you don’t want to do anything, nothing will change. Then you’re just stuck in a vicious cycle that goes on forever.

I’m not sure what the study will come up with. I don’t know if I want a CPAP machine. I already feel confined most of the time. And being tethered to a machine might raise my anxiety. I have no idea what other options are available to help with my sleep. We shall have to wait and see.

  • I’m grateful for having food in the kitchen this close to the end of the month. I’m grateful to have a warm and cozy home to be in. I’m grateful for my children and all the joy they bring me.

Night all. LOVES

I think I’m in trouble…

22 Feb

Last week, my ex and his new family stayed here so he could be here for our son’s big game and to get some parenting time in. I was able to go to a couple of meetings and an appointment without worrying about a babysitter or taking my son with me. It was nice.

They left Sunday morning and I thought all was great. But now he’s calling me to “just check-in” and proceeds to tell me all about how much the current girlfriend and him are fighting and why they are fighting.

Yes, I know, for about 5 seconds last week, I had a random thought that I could get him back if I really wanted to. BUT I DON’T REALLY WANT TO! I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I don’t think the thought was so much about him as it was about me being wanted. No, I didn’t say anything to him. I don’t  think I even acted anyway to hint at it.

So why now is he wanting my advice on how and what to do to fix his girlfriend issues? I don’t want to be involved. I have to do some more thinking about it.

  • Today I’m grateful that tp is a good substitute for tissues to blow my nose. It’s been dripping all day. I’m grateful for flavor enhancer for water because it makes it easier to get more water in me. I’m grateful for that little red button on my phone that says I can’t answer right now. It’s been useful today.

Night all. LOVES