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Guilt parenting

20 Oct

I’m a mean mom again tonight. I won’t get up and fetch him some juice or a chair to put his feet on. I’m making him take care of his dinner dishes. I made him make his own toast in the toaster oven.

I did make him cheesy eggs to go with the toast for dinner. I made the juice and put it in the fridge. I did the dishes he ate off of. I made him ramen popcorn(crunched up dry ramen with the seasoning sprinkled over it) as an after school snack.

I’m not trying to make this about “I do this much for you, so I’m not doing any more”. But I am trying to teach him that he CAN get things done on his own if he just gets up to do it.

So why do I feel guilty about the whole situation? Why do I feel that because I was such a rotten mom the first half of his life, I need to take care of everything for him to make up for it. I know he can do these things. But it’s so hard for me to just sit here and wait. And to not jump up and get what he wants. I guess that’s what being a good mom is all about. Letting our children grow up and do things they would rather I do for them.

  • I’m grateful to know I don’t need to always “guilt parent”. I’m grateful to be doing less “guilt parenting than I used to. I’m grateful that he got his stubbornness from me. I know I can sit him out.

Night all. LOVES

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Mammograms

18 Oct

I understand that mammograms are necessary and beneficial. They find certain cancers way before any symptoms are even thinking of letting you know they are here.

I just wish the process was easier. Especially if you’re not average sized. I am NOT a little girl. I have to dig in the very back of the drawers at the department store for bras. Victoria’s Secret and the like don’t even think about carrying my size.

It took 3 different angles to get just one side done! Four on the other because they wanted a really good picture of the underside. So not only was I squished and squeezed, I got to almost turn somersaults.

And while I was talking to the technician, because what else are you going to be doing while some stranger is flopping your breast about, she was saying that women with smaller than average breasts also have problems getting a mammogram. It’s hard to squeeze and squish something that isn’t there.

  • I’m grateful that I don’t have to go back for another year unless there’s something wrong with the “girls”. I’m grateful that the women I saw today didn’t say anything about my “falling out” from under the cape thing in the waiting room. I’m grateful that they had tea, juice, and crackers in the waiting area for our enjoyment while we waited. Because that’s really what I wanted to be doing. Leaning over a table looking through baskets while trying to hold myself in while in a room full of others doing the same thing.

Night all. LOVES

ALONE

14 Oct

Have you ever been in a room full of people but still felt all alone? You question why you even bothered to attend a function because you really don’t know many of the people there. And the ones you do know, know a whole bunch of other people besides you?

I felt like that today. I feel like that lots! It sucks. And I have a really hard time going to things because of it. I don’t people well. The only times I did, I was drunk or high. And now that I’m not…, I’ll just say again,  I don’t people well. But I’ll keep trying. Sooner or later I’ll figure it out. Right?

  • I’m grateful I went. I’m grateful to see some old friends. I’m grateful to get a ride home.

Night all. LOVES

Friday the 13th

14 Oct

I’ve always said that Friday the 13th was my favorite holiday, but I actually forgot about it being the 13th today. And that it’s Friday. Because my internal numbering system is off and I didn’t realize what day it is.

School was out today. They said it was a statewide in-service day, but I think it’s because the teachers didn’t want to deal with the little devils on Friday the 13th. So I’ve had the pleasure of the company of my child saying, “I’m hungry!”, “I’m bored!”, “Why don’t you love me by doing everything for me because I want to sit here under this blanket and not move?!” (I need a grammar Nazi to tell me how to punctuate this paragraph!)

He’s also proceeded to tell me that we ARE watching a movie together tonight and we won’t have our phones & tablets on. I told him that he needed to clean his corner first. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m also thinking it’s going to be a ‘fend for yourself’ kind of dinner tonight. I’m other words, eat your leftovers from the last couple of days. Besides, I don’t want to come out from under MY blanket to cook.

  • I’m grateful for a 3 day weekend because we love to sleep in and stay up late. I’m grateful for presents in the mail and unexpected surprises. I’m grateful he finally got up and went outside to play, but could he shut the door?

Night all. LOVES

Blankets

13 Oct

Blankets and woobies (small, cuddly blankets) in my house are hot property. Somebody always wants the one that someone else has because it’s warmer, bigger, cuddlier, or just because you have it and they don’t. As it gets cooler, the blanket wars have begun in earnest.

We all have our favorite. My youngest child’s favorite is a Costco special from a few years ago. I bought everyone the same blanket in different colors. But he likes mine better than his. He’s most happy when he can have both!

My middle child’s favorite blanket is a California King comforter I was given when I first moved into my first home in recovery. It’s huge, warm and heavy. I use it for a sleeping bag at times. Every time he comes over, he wanders the house until he finds it and won’t let go of it until it’s time to leave.

My oldest child’s favorite blanket is any that will cover him. Although I have seen him curled up in a ball so a smaller blanket will cover his 6’6″ body. Mostly, he just uses two. One for the top half and one for the bottom half.

I have two favorite blankets. My quilt I made in treatment and whatever woobie is handy. I had everyone in treatment sign my quilt when I left so I would always have their well wishes surrounding me. I have a green fleece woobie that I’ve used so much it is a diamond now because I’ve stretched it around me. I also have at least 1 or 2 stashed behind the couch at any given time.

There just isn’t much that beats the warmth you feel when wrapped in a favorite blanket.

  • I’m grateful that the biggest argument in our house is who gets to use what blankets. I’m grateful that my blankets are in a home and not under a tent or tarp on the side of a road/sidewalk somewhere. I’m grateful to be warm, safe, dry, inside and well fed tonight.

Night all. LOVES

Just gratitude

10 Oct

I’m still not feeling too hot today so it’s just going to be short and sweet.

  • Today I’m grateful I bought lots of cheese at the store. Quesadilla for me and burritos for him for dinner. I’m grateful it’s almost bedtime. My patience meter is almost full. I’m grateful to have a therapist appointment tomorrow.

Night all. LOVES

I think we’re getting sick

8 Oct

I was woken up at 4am by my son coming home from a sleepover. He said he didn’t feel very good and he wanted to be home. After getting him settled, I went back to sleep until almost noon.

I’ve been sniffling and sneezing all day. And used at least a half of a roll of tp because my nose won’t stop dripping. I’m starting to get that sinus pressure feeling too.

I woke Carson up between 2 & 3 this afternoon because I didn’t want him sleeping all day. Mostly because I don’t want him awake all night. He’s still pretty lethargic and saying he feels terrible. He feels warm to the touch, but the thermometer says he doesn’t have a temperature. I might need a new one though. 96.7 seems kinda low.

We’re both going to bed soon and I’ll see how were doing in the morning before I definitively say we’re sick. I’ll let you know. For now, it’s a quiet evening and bedtime soon.

  • I’m grateful neither of us feel nauseous. Really don’t need that. I’m grateful it’s the weekend. Gives up time to get better before Monday. I’m grateful to have some chicken stock cooling in the fridge. It’s still too hot to pick the bones.

Night all. LOVES