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Almost impossible

22 May

I went to the doctor again today for a check up. Good news- I’m down another 7 pounds this month, for a total of 42 since the first of the year. Bad news- I have a rash on my hand that doesn’t seem to be getting better. I’ve had it on different parts of my hand for over a year! The doctor’s advice? Quit washing my hands so much. I need to quit getting them wet.

I just looked at him like he was crazy! How in the heck am I supposed to NOT wash my hands? Am I supposed to never cook or do the dishes? Clean house? What about showering? Using the toilet? A whole host of other things that are daily occurrences where your hands get wet.

How can someone be allergic to water? And why is it only on one hand and not both? Or anywhere else on my body? I’m very frustrated at the moment. I need to do something to change this! SOON! It’s become unbearably painful and itchy. He says it’s not contagious, that’s why it hasn’t spread elsewhere on my body, but I’m still afraid to touch anyone or shake hands. I’m just at a loss at the moment.

  • I’m grateful to still be losing weight. It’s an amazing feeling to not be afraid of the scale anymore. I’m grateful to get a 10 minute walk around the courtyard with my neighbor. It’s a sense of accomplishment. I’m grateful to still be determined to see this through. One step at a time.

Night all. LOVES

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Gratitude and One More Day

21 May

Today at church we talked about remembering what you have and being grateful for it. I like to think of gratitude as “What if tomorrow you only had what you are grateful for today?” I know that I try really hard to remember everything I’m grateful for and not just what I write in this blog. Although I admit some days I usually only remember to be grateful for THIS day, my home, and my family and friends.

We also talked about “What would you do if you knew that you only had one more day on earth?”

I was reminded of when my mother died and I didn’t answer that last phone call. She had already called me several times that day to complain about some such thing that I don’t even really remember except that I didn’t want to hear about it anymore. I always think, if I had answered, I would have at least been able to tell her I loved her one more time.

Ever since then, I ALWAYS tell my kids that I love them. Even if it’s when I call them on the phone in the other room. (They don’t listen to me try to talk to them if their headphones are in.) I also consciously tell everyone I talk to that I’m thinking of them. Sometimes on Facebook, I’ll randomly post something to someone’s page to tell them that they were thought of today.

I think if I knew that I only had one more day, I would try to never sleep because I’m still working on my goals and I’m not where I want to be yet. And I would talk to everyone I care about. And maybe? do my dishes so nobody would see my dirty sink.

  • Today I’m grateful for the many little blessings I am reminded of every day. I’m grateful to have happy memories and hopeful thoughts of being with others. I’m grateful to hear and learn good things today. And that hopefully I get to do it again tomorrow.

Night all. LOVES

Recovery celebrations

20 May

A very good friend celebrated 10 years clean tonight. It was worth it to spend almost 2 hours on public transportation to be there to wish her happy birthday. I saw so many of the people I first got clean with. It felt like a family reunion. We all went out to dinner after. By the end of the evening, my peopling skills were about done and my anxiety was starting to leak out. I’m finally getting into bed at 11pm. But I probably won’t fall asleep for a little while yet. I need to let my anxiety meds start to work.

  • I’m grateful I didn’t talk myself out of going by complaining it was too far away. I’m grateful someone bought me a yummy salad for dinner. I’m grateful to finally be home. I only jumped at shadows once or twice.

Night all. LOVES

Water aerobics

18 May

I started water aerobics physical therapy this afternoon. It was way harder than I thought it would be. I mean how hard is it to hang out in a pool for an hour? I definitely had no idea what to expect.

The water does make it easier to move, but it also provides resistance. That makes even the simplest of exercises way more difficult. All the exercises are ones I already should be doing. I realize now that I haven’t been giving exercise the attention I should be. I spent most of the hour just trying to stand up. My balance sucks. Have you ever tried to stand on one foot in a pool? I can’t even do it on dry land.

The takeaway from today? I need to do my exercises more consistently. I need to keep going every week. And I need to have an after-plan. I’m so exhausted, irritable and grumpy. With myself and everyone else.

  • I’m grateful I made it to my appointment. I’m grateful the mix up at the check-in desk didn’t mean I missed the session. I’m grateful I’ve learned to apologize quickly when I’m grumpy to others. Now to work on not coming out sideways when I’m stressed.

Night all. LOVES

 

Yo-yo weather

17 May

Saturday and Sunday were in the 90’s. Monday and Tuesday were high 80’s. Today has gotten all the way up to 67°F at 6pm. While I personally prefer the cooler weather, I wish it would just make up its mind and be one way or the other. This up and down makes it really hard to become acclimated. My child and I are both feeling yucky this evening. I think the changing weather has lots to do with it.

  • I’m grateful its cooler today. Makes my energy consumption lower. I’m grateful I haven’t put all the blankets away for the summer yet. I’m grateful it’s supposed to be cool for a few days.

Night all. LOVES

Visitors

16 May

I had so many visitors today, for a minute there, I thought I was in Grand Central Station. It’s nice to know there are so many people thinking about me and how I’m doing. Several of them are people I haven’t seen in a while. Others are some that I see more regularly.

  • I’m grateful for all the people I talked to today. It’s good to know I’m thought of. I’m grateful that it doesn’t phase me to have someone show up on my doorstep with a UA cup to fill. I’m grateful to have someone agree to do my yearly maintenance on my fans so they will run smoothly for another season.

Night all. LOVES

Judgements

13 May

I caught myself making judgements about others today. “I can’t believe that she did that.” “I can’t believe he said that.” “Why would they be like this?” It doesn’t matter what the exact judgement is. I even judge myself. “I can’t believe I did that.” “Why am I this way?” It’s almost automatic. And it makes me feel terrible. See! There’s that judging thing again.

One of my goals is not to be less judgemental, per say, but to notice it more and become more conscious of it. I feel if I can actively notice what I’m doing, I can change the bad behavior and enhance the good. That is how I’ve cut way back on gossiping. I feel gossip is an insidious evil that drives wedges between people who used to be friends and neighbors, and inhibits new friendships with strangers.

I’m hoping that by becoming aware of when I’m judging, maybe I can figure out why I’m judging. Then maybe I can become less judgemental towards my fellow man and myself. Because we all need a little more leniency in our relationships with others.

  • I’m grateful that the roasted cauliflower I made tonight is delicious. I’m grateful I only ate a couple brownies instead of hiding and eating the entire pan like I used to. I really need to quit having goodies in the house. My willpower sucks lately. I’m grateful to KNOW that this particular behavior of mine needs to change if I want to continue on the journey I’ve set before myself. I’m going to go eat more cauliflower now.

Night all. LOVES