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Life and death

12 Dec

Today has been a contrast between life and death and how we must go on. Even when we don’t want to.

I had someone who is very close to me lose a child last night. I so know that loss. Especially coming up on my own anniversary. I want to give him my love, support, and all the comfort that he could possibly need. But I also know that he needs to deal with it in his own way. So I will stay by his side.

And then tonight, I was able to chase my grandsons through my house. A 1 and 2 year old will keep you on your toes. But holding those little wiggly bodies close tonight made the pain almost bearable. Definitely bittersweet.

I just want to remind you all to hold each other close. Tell them you love them every time they leave your sight. I think I tell my kids a gazillion times a day. Even if they don’t always hear me.

  • I’m grateful tonight to be tired from chasing grandkids. There is a reason god made parents young. I’m grateful tonight to offer solace to one who needs it. I will try not to smother. I’m grateful to tell you all I love you. You make me a better person.

Night all. LOVES

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Perceptions

9 Dec

Which is the real you? The you that you think you are? The you that others think you are? The you that you think others think you are? Or are you who you really are? Does the perceptions decide who you are? Or are you who are that decides the perceptions?  I think it’s a mishmash of all the above.

Early in my recovery, I was told “What others think of me is none of my business!” In other words, quit letting others decide how I see myself. To just be who I want to be. But what if you want to be that you that others see? What if you just want to be normal? Then you get the question “What is normal?” Most people will say normal is just like everybody else. I have decided that MY normal is wherever I can be comfortable. If that’s sitting on the sidelines watching the people go by, or not going to the party with everyone else, or being in the middle of everything, it can all be normal.

A few years ago, there was a meme going around with pictures that asked these very questions. And I decided then that I’m okay just the way I am. That I don’t need others perceptions of me, including mine, to tell me who I should be. I will admit that I don’t always think that.

The biggest goal that anybody can reach is to be okay with themselves just the way they are at that particular moment in time. Just do the best you can with what you got at that very moment. That’s all you can ask of yourself. And others. Acceptance is the key to happiness.

  • I’m grateful today to be there when someone needed me. I’m grateful today to hear some hard truths I needed to hear. I’m grateful that we both felt much better when it was over. At least that was my perception if it.

Night all. LOVES

A day that will live in infamy

8 Dec

On this day, 76 years ago, my world changed. I wasn’t even around yet. Hadn’t even been thought of. My parents hadn’t been thought of. But it still changed my world. Because it colored everything that came after it.

I remember sitting and listening to my grandmother talk about THE war. It was always THE war. Like it’s the only one. She talked about how all the men went away to fight. And how women stayed home to tend the home fires. Those were the official statements. But it still changed everything

Think about all the things that you have or do and how it wouldn’t be different if it wasn’t for the war. Women work outside the home. And raise children alone. They wear pants. They don’t have to ask a man’s permission to do things. So many things can be traced back to the war and it’s aftermath.

And those memories are disappearing. Most of those who were called “The Greatest Generation” have past on. And their stories and memories and thoughts and beliefs are going with them. Nobody is left to carry on.

And I think about what my life would be like if the world hadn’t changed. I am a single parent of kids with 2 different fathers, a recovering addict, with mental and physical health issues. I wouldn’t be where I am now. I’d probably be locked up in a facility and my children would be in a different facility cared for by strangers. Or else we would be living in a shack on the wrong side of town trying to figure out how to get food and necessities without needing to sell myself or my kids. Because it was like that.

I still remember my grandma telling me that is what could happen if I didn’t do well in school, or did things that weren’t okay(drugs, drinking, sex, stealing). I’m not saying that it is better now or if it was better then, but it is different.

  • I am grateful to all those who have gone before me and the changes they have made to the world. I’m grateful that I’m not living in a shack on the wrong side of town. I’m grateful that I got a chance to listen to those stories when I was younger because I know they helped shape my values and beliefs of today.

Night all. LOVES

ups and downs of my mental health

3 Dec

The other day I wrote about starting some projects around the house. Well none of them have been finished and I’m out of energy. It’s hard to be up and at’em one day and so tired a couple of days later. Especially when I’m so scattered during the up days.

Lots of things get started, but I don’t finish anything. I am such a “squirrel” person. Get off track on to something else so easily. So here I am, barely enough energy to get out of bed with all these semi finished projects stacked all over around me.

They will probably get shoved in, behind, under, and around somewhere so I don’t have to look at them, and then they’ll get forgotten about until I find/think about them again. Usually when I’m starting to throw things out because my house is so cluttered with stuff.

It all just makes me feel worse in the long run. I don’t want to start anything because I’m afraid I can’t get it done. But once I start something, I get off on a tangent, and forget about the first thing, until I come across it again, so I decide to finish it, but that means I don’t finish the other thing I started, and then I see something else that needs done. And the whole cycle starts again.

And how can I teach my child to finish something he starts when he sees that I don’t. And I spiral some more.

I need some help. I have appointments for his and my therapists next week. And I need to keep them! I can’t call and postpone them again. I’ve been really good at doing that lately.

  • I’m grateful that I have this platform to ramble on. It helps me to organize my thoughts. I’m grateful it’s raining. I’m grateful I remembered to take all my meds today.

Night all. LOVES

Where are manners?

2 Dec

When did manners and respect for others quit being a thing? I know that I have taught all my boys that they walk on the outside of the sidewalk. To open doors for others. Get up on the bus if someone needs a seat more than they do. And to speak respectfully to others.

I was walking down the block today with my middle child and these 2 guys were coming from the other way. We moved into a single file so they could get by, but they just decided to keep walking side by side forcing us into the street. I’m like really!?

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen rude and unmannerly behavior. Although most of it is on the bus and MAX. There are times the bus driver actually has to get up and tell people to move from the front of the bus so wheelchair and disabled passengers can get on. I’ve seen women who are obviously pregnant or carrying small children forced to stand and try to hang on while some kid just sits there not caring that she’s right there. And if she says something about sitting down, she usually gets a snotty attitude if not worse.

And the behavior of children towards their parents and vice versa. Just wow! The things people say and do to the ones they’re supposed to love most. It just floors me.

  • I’m so grateful that I learned respectful behavior and manners from my parents. And that I’m able to pass it on to my children. I’m grateful that my child didn’t get into an altercation when his mother was forced off the sidewalk. I’m grateful to have pizza and movie night with my favorite 16 year old and 24 year old.

Night all. LOVES

His safe person

27 Nov

My son went to his dad’s for Thanksgiving and he came home this morning. I’m really glad he’s home but he could have left the attitude there.

Then someone reminded me that he has a bad attitude when he gets home because he feels safe enough to let all those bottled up emotions out. I know he gets frustrated there. It’s a huge stress household. They stress me out and they’re only here a little bit most of the time.

  • I’m grateful that I went to treatment when I did so that I can be his safe person today. I’m grateful that every bad attitude is followed by the good one. He can’t be angry forever. I’m grateful it only took five hours this time for him to start talking to me again. Makes me smile.

Night all. LOVES

Subscriptions

25 Nov

Once upon a time I was getting every subscription I could find. I had magazines, books, music, and food of the month. I even had a razor blade subscription. I thought it was so cool to get that stuff delivered to my door every month. Until I added up how much it all cost. I was spending enough on them to pay my lights AND my gas bill. And the thing of it was, I wasn’t even using most of it!

I never had time or the inclination to read all the magazines. They just sat in a box waiting until it was full enough to give away. Most of the book subscriptions were for books I didn’t like to read much anyway. And THEY were being boxed up to give away too. I don’t own a music player anymore so I don’t need to get it in the mail. The food subscriptions were terrible for my diet. I’d eat everything the first day or two and then think I needed to order more so I would have enough for the rest of the month. The razor blades weren’t being used often enough either. I don’t shave my legs much because it’s gotten too difficult to reach my toes.

So I slowly quit renewing everything. I called and cancelled them all. And it’s taken almost a year to let the prepaid ones wear out. I’m down to the last month of one and the last one of the other will be January. It’s so nice to finally be out from under all the stress of needing to figure out how to pay for everything and then get rid of it once it got here.

But I still have a couple of subscriptions left that I don’t plan on letting lapse. One is for Netflix. My child can’t live without his Netflix. We have shut off Hulu because we just weren’t using it. And I get YouTube Red because I don’t like commercials during my playlists. And I pay half of an Amazon Prime account because FREE SHIPPING rocks!

  • I’m grateful to have gotten out from under all that stuff I thought I needed to be a grown up. I’m grateful I’ve become grown up enough to know what’s really important. I’m grateful to not have less boxes of unneeded stuff and stress stacked around the house. Now to get rid if the rest. Progress not perfection.

Night all. LOVES