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Where I’m at

17 Feb

Yesterday I wrote about trying to be grateful for what I CAN do instead of stressing about what I can’t. Today I’ve been thinking about being grateful for where I’m at NOW instead of worrying about where I should be.

I’m in a couple of groups on Facebook for coping with gastric surgery. Lately, all the posts have been about ‘I haven’t lost much weight’, ‘how much have you lost?’, ‘how come you seem to be losing more than me!’, ‘what’s wrong with me’. It feels defeating to go read everyone’s posts. So I’ve mostly quit reading them.

Yes, I did get surgery to help me lose weight, but I did it mostly to get healthier. I’m not focused on how much I’m losing. I eat the way I’m supposed to most of the time. My A1c is excellent. No more diabetic medications. I’m almost off my blood pressure medication. All of my clothes are too big. So I must be doing alright. I have no clue what I weigh today. I only get on a scale at the doctor’s office.

  • I’m grateful to be learning to be ok where I am and to not worry about the shoulds. I’m grateful to be getting healthier. I’m grateful to have a roof over our heads and food to eat.

Night all. LOVES

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I am not my tasks

15 Feb

This has been an interesting week. I’ve had lots of body pain that has been preventing me from doing all the things I’ve wanted to do. As the weight has come off, I’ve been able to do more things. So when I have a setback, I add stressing about what I can’t get done today on to all the other stresses I seem to find. Which causes more stress and leads to falling into a vicious circle.

Today I was watching a video on YouTube of The Frey Life where they talk about “What is something that you wish you could do but can’t because of your disease?” She has cystic fibrosis. I’m sure the person who asked the question wanted to know if there was some big thing that Mary wanted to do but couldn’t. But she answered the things she wishes she could do but can’t are the dishes, the laundry, the everyday things that a normal person usually can do. She said that she says, “I am not my tasks!”  to help her deal with the day to day things that she sometimes can’t do.

It struck home to me that THAT is how I feel sometimes. I have never hid the fact that I hate to do dishes. But since my surgery, I have been happy to do them because I CAN. Until this week. I’ve been slacking on the dishes because it hurts too much to stand there.

I need to vacuum my house. I know that it will probably help my sneezing and ability to sleep because of my allergies, but I can’t. I hurt too much to do it. And I know if I do it anyway, it will mean something else probably won’t. Like making sure my son has something to eat.

I need to remember that my life is not defined by WHAT I’m doing or not doing. I fell that my life should be defined by HOW I deal with what is set before me by making the best of everything I get. I need to remember “I did the best I could with what I had at the time.” 

  • I’m grateful I was in too much pain today to do something besides lie there watching YouTube because I never would have heard what I did. I’m grateful that my Higher Power puts things in front of me to remind me of what’s important. I’m grateful I GET to learn to be ok with where I am right now and to learn to not stress over what I can’t.

Night all. LOVES

AND…its gone

11 Feb

Last week the forecast was for another week of winter with several snow storms and intense cold for the next week. There was the usual response to bad weather. A run on the grocery stores for bread, milk, eggs, and for some strange reason, kale. The lines at the gas stations were long and frustrating. Everything was cancelled for the weekend.

Then this morning woke up with the sun shining, all the snow melted and a slight breeze in the air. Just checked the weather report for tomorrow because my child wants to stay up late because there shouldn’t be school tomorrow.

Most forecasts for snow have evaporated. The expected moisture is still headed this way, but the temperatures just aren’t going to cooperate. Just heavy rain for the week. There goes the last reasonably good chance for another snow day this year.

  • I’m grateful for the snow we did get, although I wish it was more. I’m grateful that I have a huge umbrella because I’m going to need it this week. I’m grateful the weatherdudes worked so hard this past week to help get us prepared for a storm, even if it fizzled in the end. I’d rather be too prepared than not at all.

Night all. LOVES

Snow?!

5 Feb

It snowed today in Portland. In the middle of the day. Too late to call a snow day, but too early and not enough to get out early. They DID cancel evening activities, but only because it’s supposed to freeze after the sun went down. People here do NOT snow and ice well!

It was funny this morning. When my son woke up to find out there was school today, he was so mad and grumpy. He dragged his feet all morning getting ready for school hoping they would call a snow day before the bus got here.

The weatherdudes are calling for the possibility of snow overnight so we might? get a snow day tomorrow. I’m not saying anything to my son just in case though. Don’t know if I could handle two days of angry grumpiness.

  • I’m grateful we have groceries in the house. I’m not going to fight the masses at the store for bread and milk. I’m grateful I’ve paid all my bills. We have a roof and utilities, unless the power goes out for some other reason. I’m grateful they rescheduled my son’s game tonight. Wasn’t looking forward to a long, cold bus ride home.

Night all. LOVES

Super Bowl

3 Feb

My thoughts on the Super Bowl? I can sum it up with this simple conversation with my son.

“Mom, why do you have football on? You don’t like football.” “I’m not watching football, I’m watching commercials.” “How was that one? Was it a good one?” I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention.”

I guess that means I probably should just turn the TV off. I can watch the commercials tonight on YouTube. Maybe after the next chapter.

  • I’m grateful to be sitting here with my son while NOT watching the Super Bowl. I’m grateful for a really interesting book about the White House. The building, not necessarily the occupant. I’m grateful for YouTube for having the commercials I’m ignoring while reading today.

Night all. LOVES

Same thing, different day

26 Jan

I don’t feel good again today. It seems I’ve had more “don’t feel good” days than “good days” for a really long while. I thought that was why I decided to do the surgery. To get healthy and feel better.

I’m actually getting healthier. My blood pressure is almost perfect. Sometimes even too low until they change my medication. I’ll probably be totally off it by summer. My A1c is 5.7, which is technically a ‘pre-diabetic’ level. I’m off ALL my diabetes medications.

I probably need to have my CPAP machine adjusted because I can’t use it as often. It’s too strong. I have an appointment with that doctor in about a month. Which is quick for him. I also think its time to visit the psych doctor too. Maybe those medications need adjustments too?

Everyone else tells me how great I’m looking, but all I see is sagging skin where fat rolls used to be. And that all my clothes don’t fit. I didn’t want to go out when I was fat because of the looks and comments I’d get. Now I don’t want to go out for the same things. Different looks, different comments, but same derogatory feelings about how I look are behind them.

  • I’m grateful that the surgery is working. I just need to give it time to adjust. I’m grateful to have a few clothes that DO fit. Less clothes means less laundry. I’m grateful to know that no matter what, I don’t need to use and I just need to remember to breathe.

Night all. LOVES

Keep trying

22 Jan

There’s no school today or tomorrow so it’s just a lazy day at home. No school today because of the holiday. No school tomorrow for students for a teacher planning day because last week was finals and next week starts a new semester.

I’m sitting here watching my youngest become frustrated by his video game as he tries to pass this one level. It reminds me to always keep trying no matter how annoying it is to keep starting over. He will get there one of these days. I have faith.

  • I’m grateful to be able to watch my child think today. I’m grateful to have a chicken in the crock pot making the house smell good. I’m grateful to be 2/3 through my book. Its due back at the library in 2 days and I can’t recheck it out.