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We’re having a heat wave

24 Jun

Summer has finally kicked Spring to the curb. “THIS is my time and I’m taking it!” And she’s making up for lost time.

It has been a really wet and drizzly Spring here in Portland. I don’t think it got above 70 more than a small handful of days. She’s just been hanging on. It was raining just last week.

Well Summer just wasn’t having it anymore. We had 70’s the first part of the week and it’s 89 today.

The weather warnings have been zinging across my phone all day. First a heat advisory. Then a heat watch and finally a heat warning. I know I wanted to be a weatherdude, but I always get those terms mixed up. So I looked them up today.

This is what I get from the Weather Channel. ~An Excessive Heat Warning is issued when the heat index value is expected to reach or exceed 110 degrees within the next 12 to 24 hours. An ExcessiveHeat Warning may be issued for lower criteria if it is early in the season or during a multi-day heat wave.

And this from Wikipedia. ~A HEAT ADVISORY MEANS THAT A PERIOD OF HOT TEMPERATURES IS EXPECTED. THE COMBINATION OF HOT TEMPERATURES AND HIGH HUMIDITY WILL COMBINE TO CREATE A SITUATION IN WHICH HEAT ILLNESSES ARE POSSIBLE.

And this too! With all its fancy links. ~An Excessive Heat Watch is issued by the National Weather Service of the United States when the heat index is expected to be greater than 105 °F (41 °C) across the northern states or 110 °F (43 °C) across the southern states during the day, and/or nighttime low temperature will be at least 75 °F (24 °C) or higher for two consecutive days. Note that even with the usual northern/southern criteria, local offices, particularly those with deserts or mountainous terrain, often have their own criteria. High values of the heat index are caused by temperatures being significantly above normal and high humidities, and such high levels can pose a threat to human life through conditions such as heat stroke.

My take on the whole thing is ITS GONNA GET REALLY HOT! Until at least Monday. So this morning I made lots of juice for the fridge. Two different colors of Jell-O. And made sure we have things to eat that don’t require the oven. Although I AM tempted to make some sidewalk cookies. I hope you all are keeping cool wherever you are.

  • I’m grateful to have put curtains up over the blinds in the bedrooms upstairs. It’s keeping it so much cooler up there. I’m grateful to have most of my dishes done so I can hang out in front of the a/c tonight. I’m grateful I have 4 ice trays in the freezer. And somebody will lose an arm if they put one back empty! One ice cube left constitutes empty in my book, by the way.

Night all. LOVES

Another thought

21 Jun

The other day I was talking to someone who was complaining about the world and our country in particular. They were saying that the reason our country is so messed up is because “gays, Muslims, colored people, Democrats, etc., want to have special privileges.” I was floored! How can wanting to have the SAME rights as middle class, white, Christian people be wanting special privileges?

Someone else earlier this week was complaining about how she felt victimized because she was a white, older woman because a statement said “people in poverty and color are in need of social justice”. She felt left out.

While thinking about this all day I was trying to figure out how I wanted to word this and NOT get beat up. I kept coming back to why does one person need to be better than the other? I know that I have benefits just because of who and where I was born. And yes, sometimes I feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick. But I work really hard to try to see it from every perspective before I complain. And just between you and me, I don’t complain often because I don’t want to make waves or deal with confrontation. But I’m working on it.

I know prejudices are out there. And I’m trying to teach my child that everyone is equal. But I also teach him that sometimes things happen that are unfair. And that we need to continue working on making it fair.

I know I seem to be rambling and I’m imagining all the flack I’m going to get. But I feel that there is a way to work through these issues without hurting each other.

  • Today I’m grateful to get groceries from the church because our cupboards were bare. I’m grateful that I live where I can think how I want. Even if someone else thinks I’m wrong. I’m also grateful that if I think someone else is wrong, I don’t have to believe how they say just because they say I should.

Night all. LOVES

June 18, 2009.

19 Jun

In the spring of 2009 an interesting thing happened to me. Somebody turned me in to child welfare for using drugs. I found out when a nice lady showed up on my doorstep with cup in hand wanting me to pee in it. She said if I didn’t she had the authority to take my children with her.

Me, being the good addict I was, figured that since I had just did some, it didn’t have time to get to my bladder yet. So I said sure, what have I got to lose. Of course it came back dirty! Addicts have the worst thinking errors. She ended up taking my kids anyway.

And so my journey began. I started with outpatient treatment 3 days a week. But I continued to use on the days I didn’t have to go. And tried so many crazy ways to give a clean sample on the days I did.

The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. And I couldn’t get more than 15 days in a row. It was so hard. I couldn’t see my kids. The eldest was off doing his own thing and refusing to speak to me. The middle one was on the run from his foster homes and I didn’t know where he was. And I had to have 2 clean samples in a row to see the youngest. The people I was living with didn’t want me to be clean because then they would have to move out. So I was going to Day Treatment up to 4 days a week. And sneaking out of the house to get to meetings.

I remember for my birthday, my dealer showed up at the door with a nice package for my present. She said she missed me. Why is it when you WANT to use, you can NEVER find free dope, but when you DON’T WANT to use, everybody is giving you some?! So I sat on my couch, crying because I was 42, my life sucked, and used every single drop of Meth I had because I didn’t want to waste any by throwing it away.

When I came down, I made myself a promise. I wanted to be done! And I would do what needed to be done to get clean. I went for a walk around the block and sat on the church lawn. And prayed! And cried! And prayed some more! Some gentleman came out and sat with me and we just talked. He told me how much my Heavenly Father lived me and wanted me to come back to church. And if I would keep doing the next right thing, He would help me get it done.

I went to a meeting the next afternoon and I found a sponsor. Her sponsor told her that she needed to be my sponsor before I even asked. She was amazing. I called her every night. And we went to meetings together 3-4 times a week. She helped me with the people living with me. She encouraged me to tell them at treatment to sign me up for inpatient.

The night of June 18th, she took me to a speaker meeting where this really old guy talked about his days as a methhead. And that he got clean. And I saw myself in his story. Because I had used the night before, I was the newest one there. He gave me a signed copy of the book he wrote. I still have it. That’s the last time I used! I got a spot at an inpatient facility and went in on June 30th. I’m still clean today.

It’s NOT easy. Life still sucks. But it’s manageable most of the time. I try every day to keep my Heavenly Father first in all I do. And He helps me keep that day sacred.

As long as I remember my HP and my cleandate, everything else will work out. And that person who turned me in? I tell him I love him and thank you every day.

  • Today, I am SOOO grateful for 8 drug free years. I am grateful that a stranger told me that my Heavenly Father still loved me even after everything I had done. I am grateful that I was someone else’s ‘sponsor homework’.

Night all. LOVES

 

Telephone

15 Jun

Telephones started out as gadgets that only a few had that were only used in an emergency. Now they are in every hand and are being used almost constantly. In fact I’m using one right now to write this.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time though. Sliding your finger over a little red square on a screen just doesn’t have the same finality of slamming a plastic handset down on a metal hanger. Especially when the person on the other end is being extraordinarily annoying. Or when was the last time anyone has heard a busy signal? Do they even exist anymore?

Now I’ll admit that I find all the new technology fascinating. Caller ID is awesome. No more guessing who is calling you before you have to answer. Makes it so much easier to dodge that ex you just don’t want to talk to anymore. Or telling one more bill collector that you’ll pay them next month when you know you won’t. If you could afford to pay them, they would be paid already.

And I love Voicemail! You can have all those dodged calls leave messages that you don’t need to listen to anyway. But if on the off chance you might want to know what the other person wants, you can know.

But then there are those callers that just drive me up the wall. Telemarketers and robocalls anyone? They are usually the ones who call incessantly from unknown numbers and don’t leave messages. I’ll admit it. If I don’t recognize the number, I’m not answering it. But if you leave me a message, I’ll generally call you back. So quit calling me 20 times an hour and just leave a message already! Especially when I’m trying to nap.

  • I’m grateful to have my fancy little gadget telephone that keeps me connected to anything I need or want. I’m grateful technology is so amazing. I’m grateful I know where the off button is.

Night all. LOVES

Involvement

14 Jun

Thirty years ago, whenever the firetrucks went out, we would usually follow it to see where it went. Because it was a volunteer fire department in a small town, we usually knew who was involved. It didn’t matter if it was the first responders or the victims. You knew them and wanted to help in some way. Even if it was helping the cleanup. More than once, I’ve helped clean up trash and garbage after an accident. You wouldn’t believe how much garbage paramedics can generate. Even for a minor issue. We used to joke that we were ambulance chasers.

Then I moved my family to the big city. I didn’t follow the sirens so much. Mostly because there were too many, too often. It didn’t seem to be that big of deal because I usually didn’t know the person involved.  So I became a virtual voyeur of accidents. I would watch the news stations all the time. I had to see what was happening.

Now if I hear sirens, instead of going to help, I will go the other way because I don’t want to be in the way. And it’s frequently become a situation that the professionals really don’t want you around because so much is going on, they don’t need you in the way.

And I’ve turned off the news. And I don’t like to watch the videos that are everywhere. All the time. It has become overwhelming.

Is that why there is so much violence in the world today? I think that maybe we’ve become jaded. We don’t know those people involved so it’s become something to avoid. If we were more involved in our communities and neighbors, we would be more willing to get involved? It’s something think about.

  • Today I’m grateful I’m getting more involved in my community and trying to know my neighbors. I’m grateful to those who are first responders for all the good they do. I’m grateful that I haven’t been touched by violence in a long time. But I’m sending out positive thoughts to all those that are.

Night all. LOVES

He starts NOW!

13 Jun

Every day that I have been able, I ask my son, “What did you do at school today?” And every day he doesn’t say a word. Or shrugs his shoulders and mumbles, “nuthin”. It’s so frustrating.

Today when he came home from school, I asked if he had any tests today. It’s finals week. He answered, “in Math, we watched a movie. The Secret Life of Pets.”

So I asked THE question. And he answered! School is over in 3 days! The end of his Sophomore year. He finally answers me. We have a conversation. A small one, but an actual conversation.

I’m torn between being really excited and being sad. Because I’m afraid it will never happen again!

  • I’m grateful for that little  3 sentence conversation after school with my son. The one who doesn’t like to talk unless it’s dark and nobody can look at him. I’m grateful I remembered to keep asking with hope he would answer one day. I’m grateful my faith is still strong as I continue this parenting journey.

Night all. LOVES

Addictions suck

11 Jun

I read a newspaper story today about a man who did something so shameful, the community wanted to string him up from the nearest tree. But that wasn’t the point if the article. The point was to talk about who the man was before. Before he sunk so low in his addiction that he stole a dying man’s belongings and walked off.

I am an addict! And but for the grace of God, the go I. It started innocently enough. Hanging out with friends and enjoying the weekend. Then liking the feeling that the alcohol brought. So drinking more often, leading to every day. All day!

Then one day, Meth came into the picture. And the real journey began. The using, and trying not to use anymore. But failing. And every time the failure lead to self-loathing, guilt and shame. So it became easier to use because it made the pain go away for a while. Until you woke up several days later, feeling worse than when you started. Continuing the cycle, again and again and again! Never seeing a way out as you dug deeper and deeper into the hole of despair.

But one day, a defining moment. Something happened that smacked you upside your head and gave you that moment of clarity to realize if you continued on this path of destruction, the only place to stop was death.

So became the beginning of a long, unending journey to recovery. Staying sober, growing and changing. Becoming the person you always knew was there but the drugs and alcohol had from yourself and the world. Knowing that one small stumble. That tiny pebble that causes you to step wrong, could cause you to fall down into that canyon you have struggled so hard to climb out of.

I hope that this is that man’s smack upside his head. I hope to see him in the rooms of recovery soon. I, for one, will be there to offer him a handshake and hug of welcome.

  • Today I’m grateful for that smack. It changed so much. I’m grateful to be a butterfly. Someone who went through a difficult change and came out beautiful. I’m grateful to the rooms of recovery for the miracles they bring about every minute of every day. One moment at a time.

Night all. LOVES