ALONE

14 Oct

Have you ever been in a room full of people but still felt all alone? You question why you even bothered to attend a function because you really don’t know many of the people there. And the ones you do know, know a whole bunch of other people besides you?

I felt like that today. I feel like that lots! It sucks. And I have a really hard time going to things because of it. I don’t people well. The only times I did, I was drunk or high. And now that I’m not…, I’ll just say again,  I don’t people well. But I’ll keep trying. Sooner or later I’ll figure it out. Right?

  • I’m grateful I went. I’m grateful to see some old friends. I’m grateful to get a ride home.

Night all. LOVES

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Friday the 13th

14 Oct

I’ve always said that Friday the 13th was my favorite holiday, but I actually forgot about it being the 13th today. And that it’s Friday. Because my internal numbering system is off and I didn’t realize what day it is.

School was out today. They said it was a statewide in-service day, but I think it’s because the teachers didn’t want to deal with the little devils on Friday the 13th. So I’ve had the pleasure of the company of my child saying, “I’m hungry!”, “I’m bored!”, “Why don’t you love me by doing everything for me because I want to sit here under this blanket and not move?!” (I need a grammar Nazi to tell me how to punctuate this paragraph!)

He’s also proceeded to tell me that we ARE watching a movie together tonight and we won’t have our phones & tablets on. I told him that he needed to clean his corner first. I’ll let you know how it goes.

I’m also thinking it’s going to be a ‘fend for yourself’ kind of dinner tonight. I’m other words, eat your leftovers from the last couple of days. Besides, I don’t want to come out from under MY blanket to cook.

  • I’m grateful for a 3 day weekend because we love to sleep in and stay up late. I’m grateful for presents in the mail and unexpected surprises. I’m grateful he finally got up and went outside to play, but could he shut the door?

Night all. LOVES

Blankets

13 Oct

Blankets and woobies (small, cuddly blankets) in my house are hot property. Somebody always wants the one that someone else has because it’s warmer, bigger, cuddlier, or just because you have it and they don’t. As it gets cooler, the blanket wars have begun in earnest.

We all have our favorite. My youngest child’s favorite is a Costco special from a few years ago. I bought everyone the same blanket in different colors. But he likes mine better than his. He’s most happy when he can have both!

My middle child’s favorite blanket is a California King comforter I was given when I first moved into my first home in recovery. It’s huge, warm and heavy. I use it for a sleeping bag at times. Every time he comes over, he wanders the house until he finds it and won’t let go of it until it’s time to leave.

My oldest child’s favorite blanket is any that will cover him. Although I have seen him curled up in a ball so a smaller blanket will cover his 6’6″ body. Mostly, he just uses two. One for the top half and one for the bottom half.

I have two favorite blankets. My quilt I made in treatment and whatever woobie is handy. I had everyone in treatment sign my quilt when I left so I would always have their well wishes surrounding me. I have a green fleece woobie that I’ve used so much it is a diamond now because I’ve stretched it around me. I also have at least 1 or 2 stashed behind the couch at any given time.

There just isn’t much that beats the warmth you feel when wrapped in a favorite blanket.

  • I’m grateful that the biggest argument in our house is who gets to use what blankets. I’m grateful that my blankets are in a home and not under a tent or tarp on the side of a road/sidewalk somewhere. I’m grateful to be warm, safe, dry, inside and well fed tonight.

Night all. LOVES

I’m just here

12 Oct

I went to see the doctor at the sleep clinic today. It was my 6 month follow-up to see how me and my CPAP machine are getting along. Apparently we’re doing just fine. All my numbers are good and there seems to be improvements. If fact, I’m doing so well, I don’t need to go back until next October. Unless something comes up before then. The nurse even gave me an insulated cover for my hose so the condensation will be less. Score!

I made all my bus connections. I didn’t need my umbrella for most of the day. I got to listen to the nice, strange lady on the bus sing the Ironman song multiple times.

So why ain’t I happy? I can’t figure it out! I should be jumping for joy, but I’m not. But I’m not really sad either. I’m just kind of here. I really, really want to take my heavy comforter upstairs to my bed and crawl under it.

I was supposed to go to my therapist yesterday. But I didn’t. I called and rescheduled it for tomorrow. And I didn’t go to my housing committee meeting either. I only went today because it’s too hard to reschedule. I have to go tomorrow to the therapist because my son and I are out of our prescriptions. The pharmacy is inside the clinic. Saves trips.

I wrote about having feelings yesterday and today I don’t seem to have the right ones. I guess that’s why I see a therapist?

  • I’m grateful to get good news from the sleep doctor today. I’m grateful to have my heavy comforter to crawl under in a little while. I’m grateful for chicken ramen for dinner tonight. Maybe I’ll put some broccoli and tofu in it to make it semi-healthy.

Night all. LOVES

No longer numb

10 Oct

I’ve had some really tough times in my life. I’ve had some great times too. I will admit that I used all those years because when you are high, you don’t feel. Why not be numb instead of feeling all the bad things that happened. Even when good things happened and you were numb and couldn’t feel, it was okay because deep down you knew that it was a trade-off for not hurting.

I’ve been clean for over 8 years now. And good or bad, I have feelings again. Sometimes really big feelings. Sometimes little feelings. And sometimes those feelings feel like they are too big or too little for the time and place I’m in.

See, because of all those years of not feeling, I never had to learn to regulate myself. I never had to know how I should act or feel in a certain situation because I didn’t feel at all. So now I get to learn how. Here I am over 50 years old and dealing with things like an eight year old would. Because I AM 8!

But even if I cry at sappy commercials and feel good stories, or feel really upset when bad things happen and take forever to get a grip, I am so very glad to have feelings today. And I’m so happy to not deaden my feelings anymore.

  • I’m grateful to feel today. I’m grateful to have to opportunity to learn to deal with my feelings. I’m grateful to know that even if I’m feeling really rotten at this moment, I will feel better soon.

Night all. LOVES

Just gratitude

10 Oct

I’m still not feeling too hot today so it’s just going to be short and sweet.

  • Today I’m grateful I bought lots of cheese at the store. Quesadilla for me and burritos for him for dinner. I’m grateful it’s almost bedtime. My patience meter is almost full. I’m grateful to have a therapist appointment tomorrow.

Night all. LOVES

Easy hot breakfasts

9 Oct

Today I decided to share some more quick and easy recipes I’ve come up with lately.

I love waffles, but making waffles for one has been an interesting adventure for a while now. I say for one because if you follow a normal recipe, you’re up with many, many extra waffles. I know you can freeze them and reheat them later, but my toaster isn’t the best at that. So I figured out how much mix to use to make 1-2 waffles. I use pancake mix because it usually comes from the food bank. Mix 1/2 cup mix in a small bowl with 1 egg and 1/2 cup milk. Sometimes I’ll add a dash or two of cinnamon. Pour into your preheated favorite waffle maker. My waffle maker makes 2 waffles squares at a time and this amount makes about 3 squares.

Another breakfast I’ve come up with came from wanting oatmeal because it’s cold out. I’ll  take a cup of granola and add a cup of unsweetened vanilla almond milk and a squeeze of syrup in a microwave safe cereal bowl. Heat on high for 90 seconds and stir.

Both of these are amazing breakfasts. Especially as it gets cooler in the mornings. Although I have been known to eat them for lunch and dinner too.

  • I’m grateful I can find new and different ways to use the stuff I get from the food banks. I’m grateful I have perseverance to keep trying new things. I’m grateful cool mornings so I can have hot breakfast.

Night all. LOVES