PB & Honey Candy

17 Jun

One of the things I do when my brain and I are arguing and not getting along is to cook. Something about the mixing and thinking about what goes together seems to calm the racing thoughts.

I have been working on this one for a while and it will probably be changed a few more times before I’m satisfied with it. The last time I tried baking  it into cookies but they burned way to easily. It could also just be that my oven sucks!

So here is the latest version.

1 cup peanut butter,  1 cup powdered sugar, 4 tablespoons hot cocoa mix, 4 tablespoons honey. Mix everything together until it looks like clay.  Place in an 8 in pan and spread to edges making it all even. Put in fridge for at least an hour to firm up. Cut into 1/2 inch pieces. Store in the fridge. The longer you let it sit, the better it gets.

Just a warning. You should only eat a couple of pieces because it’s really rich.

  • Today I’m grateful that we both were up by 11am. Without a fight even. I’m grateful I could wake up knowing the drug dream I had last night wasn’t real. I’m grateful my mom and grandma taught me how to experiment in the kitchen.

Night all. LOVES

The Summer Rules

17 Jun

Yesterday was the last day of school here. They went really late this year because of a lot of snow days over the winter. Today was the normal first day of summer. Sleep all day and do nothing. I didn’t mind much. I still remember that first day of summer way back when. Barely!

I figure tomorrow starts the summer. And I’m of the firm opinion of “start as if you mean to go on”. In other words. Today was a freebie. Tomorrow the rules start.

  1. Bedtime at my house is 10:30. I don’t care what time bedtime at dad’s or anywhere else is.
  2. You will NOT sleep all day. Everyone MUST be awake AND UP by noon.
  3. Because I can’t leave you home alone, you will accompany me to ALL appointments and at least one meeting a week willingly.
  4. You will do your chores without complaining.

I’m sure more will come up as we go along, but I think this is a good start. Especially because he agreed with me. I’m writing them up for on the wall tomorrow after I find all our fancy colored markers that didn’t make it to school this year.

  • I’m grateful school is over until fall. Now to shut the alarms off so I can sleep until noon tomorrow. I’m grateful that when I remember to talk to him and not AT him, he’s more willing to do what is needed. I’m grateful I remembered it is Friday today. And made my appointment this morning.

Night all. LOVES

Telephone

15 Jun

Telephones started out as gadgets that only a few had that were only used in an emergency. Now they are in every hand and are being used almost constantly. In fact I’m using one right now to write this.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time though. Sliding your finger over a little red square on a screen just doesn’t have the same finality of slamming a plastic handset down on a metal hanger. Especially when the person on the other end is being extraordinarily annoying. Or when was the last time anyone has heard a busy signal? Do they even exist anymore?

Now I’ll admit that I find all the new technology fascinating. Caller ID is awesome. No more guessing who is calling you before you have to answer. Makes it so much easier to dodge that ex you just don’t want to talk to anymore. Or telling one more bill collector that you’ll pay them next month when you know you won’t. If you could afford to pay them, they would be paid already.

And I love Voicemail! You can have all those dodged calls leave messages that you don’t need to listen to anyway. But if on the off chance you might want to know what the other person wants, you can know.

But then there are those callers that just drive me up the wall. Telemarketers and robocalls anyone? They are usually the ones who call incessantly from unknown numbers and don’t leave messages. I’ll admit it. If I don’t recognize the number, I’m not answering it. But if you leave me a message, I’ll generally call you back. So quit calling me 20 times an hour and just leave a message already! Especially when I’m trying to nap.

  • I’m grateful to have my fancy little gadget telephone that keeps me connected to anything I need or want. I’m grateful technology is so amazing. I’m grateful I know where the off button is.

Night all. LOVES

Involvement

14 Jun

Thirty years ago, whenever the firetrucks went out, we would usually follow it to see where it went. Because it was a volunteer fire department in a small town, we usually knew who was involved. It didn’t matter if it was the first responders or the victims. You knew them and wanted to help in some way. Even if it was helping the cleanup. More than once, I’ve helped clean up trash and garbage after an accident. You wouldn’t believe how much garbage paramedics can generate. Even for a minor issue. We used to joke that we were ambulance chasers.

Then I moved my family to the big city. I didn’t follow the sirens so much. Mostly because there were too many, too often. It didn’t seem to be that big of deal because I usually didn’t know the person involved.  So I became a virtual voyeur of accidents. I would watch the news stations all the time. I had to see what was happening.

Now if I hear sirens, instead of going to help, I will go the other way because I don’t want to be in the way. And it’s frequently become a situation that the professionals really don’t want you around because so much is going on, they don’t need you in the way.

And I’ve turned off the news. And I don’t like to watch the videos that are everywhere. All the time. It has become overwhelming.

Is that why there is so much violence in the world today? I think that maybe we’ve become jaded. We don’t know those people involved so it’s become something to avoid. If we were more involved in our communities and neighbors, we would be more willing to get involved? It’s something think about.

  • Today I’m grateful I’m getting more involved in my community and trying to know my neighbors. I’m grateful to those who are first responders for all the good they do. I’m grateful that I haven’t been touched by violence in a long time. But I’m sending out positive thoughts to all those that are.

Night all. LOVES

H. E. A. D. A. C. H. E.

14 Jun

There’s an old joke that comes to mind today. Is the above word pronounced hed-a-shay or hed-a-shee? Neither it’s pronounced hed-āke. Today is ending with one if those!

It started as a day where you just want to lie in bed with the covers up to your nose type of day. I should have listened to my gut because it’s been all downhill from there.

The child hasn’t done his final project that’s due tomorrow morning. So we got to do that right after school while getting ready to leave.

I had my monthly community service meeting tonight. And I left there wondering why I’m going every month to listen to people arguing about why THEIR position is right and YOURS is wrong. It’s gotten to where I’m afraid to say anything because it’s going to start another “discussion”.

And it’s not ending well either. But it is ending. Which is a good thing. All that’s left of the day is to get the child to sleep and get me to sleep.

It’s not as easy as it sounds because NOW he’s hungry! Fruity Pebbles to the rescue.

  • I’m grateful that today is almost over. I’m grateful that there’s only 2 more days of school. And all assignments need to be finished tomorrow. I’m grateful my decisions today were only $40 instead of $80.

Night all. LOVES

 

He starts NOW!

13 Jun

Every day that I have been able, I ask my son, “What did you do at school today?” And every day he doesn’t say a word. Or shrugs his shoulders and mumbles, “nuthin”. It’s so frustrating.

Today when he came home from school, I asked if he had any tests today. It’s finals week. He answered, “in Math, we watched a movie. The Secret Life of Pets.”

So I asked THE question. And he answered! School is over in 3 days! The end of his Sophomore year. He finally answers me. We have a conversation. A small one, but an actual conversation.

I’m torn between being really excited and being sad. Because I’m afraid it will never happen again!

  • I’m grateful for that little  3 sentence conversation after school with my son. The one who doesn’t like to talk unless it’s dark and nobody can look at him. I’m grateful I remembered to keep asking with hope he would answer one day. I’m grateful my faith is still strong as I continue this parenting journey.

Night all. LOVES

Addictions suck

11 Jun

I read a newspaper story today about a man who did something so shameful, the community wanted to string him up from the nearest tree. But that wasn’t the point if the article. The point was to talk about who the man was before. Before he sunk so low in his addiction that he stole a dying man’s belongings and walked off.

I am an addict! And but for the grace of God, the go I. It started innocently enough. Hanging out with friends and enjoying the weekend. Then liking the feeling that the alcohol brought. So drinking more often, leading to every day. All day!

Then one day, Meth came into the picture. And the real journey began. The using, and trying not to use anymore. But failing. And every time the failure lead to self-loathing, guilt and shame. So it became easier to use because it made the pain go away for a while. Until you woke up several days later, feeling worse than when you started. Continuing the cycle, again and again and again! Never seeing a way out as you dug deeper and deeper into the hole of despair.

But one day, a defining moment. Something happened that smacked you upside your head and gave you that moment of clarity to realize if you continued on this path of destruction, the only place to stop was death.

So became the beginning of a long, unending journey to recovery. Staying sober, growing and changing. Becoming the person you always knew was there but the drugs and alcohol had from yourself and the world. Knowing that one small stumble. That tiny pebble that causes you to step wrong, could cause you to fall down into that canyon you have struggled so hard to climb out of.

I hope that this is that man’s smack upside his head. I hope to see him in the rooms of recovery soon. I, for one, will be there to offer him a handshake and hug of welcome.

  • Today I’m grateful for that smack. It changed so much. I’m grateful to be a butterfly. Someone who went through a difficult change and came out beautiful. I’m grateful to the rooms of recovery for the miracles they bring about every minute of every day. One moment at a time.

Night all. LOVES