A day that will live in infamy

8 Dec

On this day, 76 years ago, my world changed. I wasn’t even around yet. Hadn’t even been thought of. My parents hadn’t been thought of. But it still changed my world. Because it colored everything that came after it.

I remember sitting and listening to my grandmother talk about THE war. It was always THE war. Like it’s the only one. She talked about how all the men went away to fight. And how women stayed home to tend the home fires. Those were the official statements. But it still changed everything

Think about all the things that you have or do and how it wouldn’t be different if it wasn’t for the war. Women work outside the home. And raise children alone. They wear pants. They don’t have to ask a man’s permission to do things. So many things can be traced back to the war and it’s aftermath.

And those memories are disappearing. Most of those who were called “The Greatest Generation” have past on. And their stories and memories and thoughts and beliefs are going with them. Nobody is left to carry on.

And I think about what my life would be like if the world hadn’t changed. I am a single parent of kids with 2 different fathers, a recovering addict, with mental and physical health issues. I wouldn’t be where I am now. I’d probably be locked up in a facility and my children would be in a different facility cared for by strangers. Or else we would be living in a shack on the wrong side of town trying to figure out how to get food and necessities without needing to sell myself or my kids. Because it was like that.

I still remember my grandma telling me that is what could happen if I didn’t do well in school, or did things that weren’t okay(drugs, drinking, sex, stealing). I’m not saying that it is better now or if it was better then, but it is different.

  • I am grateful to all those who have gone before me and the changes they have made to the world. I’m grateful that I’m not living in a shack on the wrong side of town. I’m grateful that I got a chance to listen to those stories when I was younger because I know they helped shape my values and beliefs of today.

Night all. LOVES


Wednesday, December 6, 2017

7 Dec

I spent the morning with some old friends that had to come into town for a doctor’s appointment. It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen them and it was great to hang out with them. Although I’m almost positive that everyone in the waiting rooms wished we would just shut up already. We talked almost nonstop for over 3 hours.

After lunch they headed home and I was off to the rest of my errands. I needed to go to the bank and then meet the Boy at his therapist’s office.

When I got to the bank, my backpack exploded everywhere while looking for the checks I needed to deposit. I should have taken a picture to remind me of what it would look like if I was back out on the streets. And the worst part? I found the checks AFTER I got home right where I set them so I wouldn’t forget them.

Because the bank was a bust, I just went to the therapist’s and curled up in one of the big comfy chairs and took a nap until my son got there. His bus trainer thinks he needs just one or two more tries and he can do it on his own.

  • I’m grateful I got up and went up to the hill. It was so good to talk to my friends. I’m grateful the receptionist didn’t mind me sleeping in her waiting room for a couple of hours! I’m grateful to be home and ready for bed. Tomorrow is groceries and then my week is finished until Saturday.

Night all. LOVES

Just a squirrel day

6 Dec

I made it to my therapist today. I suppose that’s a good things scattered as I’ve been. We talked about how agitated I’ve been lately. Her response? I’ve seen you this way before and it’ll end. So my addict pipes up and yells, “But I want it NOW!” So I will just keep taking that next right step because sooner or later, life changes.

  • I’m grateful to make it home before my child. He had early release today and I didn’t know. I’m grateful to get a little bit of groceries on the way home. Max and cheese for dinner over here. I’m grateful to be in the sunshine today. My vampire sunscreen was working.

Night all. LOVES

Simply gratitude today

4 Dec

My brain and I are arguing today so this is my accomplishment for the day.

  • Today I’m grateful for a roof over our heads with heat, electricity, food, clean water, and each other. I’m grateful to have a bed with blankets keep me warm and cozy because my feet are cold. I’m grateful today for being clean and sober because I know that as rotten as I feel right now it could be so much worse if I was using.

Night all. LOVES

ups and downs of my mental health

3 Dec

The other day I wrote about starting some projects around the house. Well none of them have been finished and I’m out of energy. It’s hard to be up and at’em one day and so tired a couple of days later. Especially when I’m so scattered during the up days.

Lots of things get started, but I don’t finish anything. I am such a “squirrel” person. Get off track on to something else so easily. So here I am, barely enough energy to get out of bed with all these semi finished projects stacked all over around me.

They will probably get shoved in, behind, under, and around somewhere so I don’t have to look at them, and then they’ll get forgotten about until I find/think about them again. Usually when I’m starting to throw things out because my house is so cluttered with stuff.

It all just makes me feel worse in the long run. I don’t want to start anything because I’m afraid I can’t get it done. But once I start something, I get off on a tangent, and forget about the first thing, until I come across it again, so I decide to finish it, but that means I don’t finish the other thing I started, and then I see something else that needs done. And the whole cycle starts again.

And how can I teach my child to finish something he starts when he sees that I don’t. And I spiral some more.

I need some help. I have appointments for his and my therapists next week. And I need to keep them! I can’t call and postpone them again. I’ve been really good at doing that lately.

  • I’m grateful that I have this platform to ramble on. It helps me to organize my thoughts. I’m grateful it’s raining. I’m grateful I remembered to take all my meds today.

Night all. LOVES

Where are manners?

2 Dec

When did manners and respect for others quit being a thing? I know that I have taught all my boys that they walk on the outside of the sidewalk. To open doors for others. Get up on the bus if someone needs a seat more than they do. And to speak respectfully to others.

I was walking down the block today with my middle child and these 2 guys were coming from the other way. We moved into a single file so they could get by, but they just decided to keep walking side by side forcing us into the street. I’m like really!?

This isn’t the first time I’ve seen rude and unmannerly behavior. Although most of it is on the bus and MAX. There are times the bus driver actually has to get up and tell people to move from the front of the bus so wheelchair and disabled passengers can get on. I’ve seen women who are obviously pregnant or carrying small children forced to stand and try to hang on while some kid just sits there not caring that she’s right there. And if she says something about sitting down, she usually gets a snotty attitude if not worse.

And the behavior of children towards their parents and vice versa. Just wow! The things people say and do to the ones they’re supposed to love most. It just floors me.

  • I’m so grateful that I learned respectful behavior and manners from my parents. And that I’m able to pass it on to my children. I’m grateful that my child didn’t get into an altercation when his mother was forced off the sidewalk. I’m grateful to have pizza and movie night with my favorite 16 year old and 24 year old.

Night all. LOVES

New therapist

1 Dec

My son met his new Behavior Therapist tonight. I wasn’t sure how the meeting was going to go because he doesn’t do new people well. But it turned out great.

She came early so the we could talk before he came home from school. We talked a bit about how he’s doing this week. I told her about his dad’s Thanksgiving visit and how he came home so upset and how he stayed home Monday from school.

I also mentioned that I’m Bipolar. And she seemed surprised I said something. Should I not have? I feel that the more she knows about what his life is like, the more she can help. But now I’m stressing about it. Will someone be showing up on my doorstep saying I can’t parent my child well? Just remember to breathe!

Before he came in, I told her to ask him about his Beyblades and he would open up to her. And it was so cool watching him unfurl and become the engaging, intelligent person I know and that I wish the world was able to see more of. Just need to give it time.

  • I’m grateful that it went so well tonight. The good and the bad will hopefully be helpful. I’m grateful for chicken quesadillas for dinner. I’m grateful tomorrow is Friday and the First. Pizza and movie night!

Night all. LOVES