Archive | April, 2017

Remember?

30 Apr

My grandsons are helping me tonight so it won’t be up to my usual.

Ever have a really great idea? You tell yourself to write it down so you don’t forget, but you forget to. And there goes another really great idea into the wild, blue yonder.

I did that this morning. Had something I wanted to talk about on my blog. But I didn’t write it down. I hate when that happens.

My rememberer isn’t what it used to be. And it really bothers me. I feel so overwhelmed and anxious about not being able to remember things I used to. I forget how to spell. I forget numbers. I forget appointments and to take my medication. I guess I’m thinking about it more because next week I’ll be older.

  • I’m grateful to remember what I do remember. I’m grateful for my electronic device to help me remember. I’m grateful that I started this blog to be able to go back and read stuff so I’ll remember it in the future.

Night all. LOVES

More questions

29 Apr

My attorney for my SSI claim called today. She wants to appeal. She feels that we can win. She said the judge didn’t follow procedure and that some of his statements in the decision could be argued against. What it all means is that it could be at least another year before this is finished.

I understand why so many people give up the fight. If I had to figure out how to pay my bills while all this is going on, I’m not sure what I would do.

It makes me understand why so many of the homeless have disabilities. I used to think they became disabled while on the streets. But most were disabled before they ended up on the streets.

I read an article today about our government wanting to cut more benefits for those people in the country who usually need it most. It also talked about what you should and shouldn’t be able to buy with food stamps and welfare benefits. And they’re trying to cut medical insurance for the chronically poor and needy.

Did you know that the first people to die in a catastrophe are the sick, infirm, really old, really young, and the dregs of society.

If a bear is running after you and a stranger, are you going to help each other or hope you run faster? I hope that I have enough courage to die with someone instead of leaving them behind. The really sad part, I can’t run any more.

  • I’m grateful that my attorney believes in me and my case. I’m grateful for Friday night. A weekend of binge watching NCIS, or the Abby and Ducky show, as my ex calls it. I’m grateful to have not seen rain today. I haven’t been outside though either.

Night all. LOVES

Just Breathe

28 Apr

This last week, I had some stuff happen the knocked me for a minute. I was given a good chance to practice my breathing. Learning to just let something happen and react to it with a clear frame of mind. Just breathe.

My SSI claim was denied. The letter basically said that while I’m broken, I’m not broken enough and while I’m crazy, I’m not crazy enough. I get to discuss with my lawyer about appealing or not. Reapplying or not. We haven’t decided yet quite what comes next. So just breathe.

I also got the results from my sleep study. I am soon to be the proud owner of a CPAP machine. I’m sleeping, but not resting. I quit breathing several times a night. Like 40-75 times an hour times a night. It’s really scary when the doctor starts explaining what all those numbers on the report means. Really, really scary when he starts showing graphs and charts with all those numbers added. I know I like to use words to describe moments, but they do say a picture is worth a thousand words. Just breathe.

While I received some really terrible news this week, it hasn’t been all that bad overall. I’m still clean and sober! I was able to see my grandkids. I was able to get to a new meeting and maybe found a sponsor. I’ve still gotten to see some beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I got to hang out with my favorite 15 year old. Life is still going on. Just remember to breathe.

  • Today I’m grateful to see so many different types of weather all in one day. Grateful that life keeps going on. Grateful that one of the first things I learned in treatment is to just breathe.

Night all. LOVES

 

Words

26 Apr

Yesterday I talked about paintings and movies to describe moments in time. There are also photographs, audio recordings and words.

I chose words to record my life and my thoughts about that life. Because while life is always changing, for one moment, I can record what happens using words to describe the pictures in my mind. And I figured as much as I enjoy the written words, I should choose that forum to share.

I enjoy the challenge of making paintings, movies, pictures and recordings come alive with just the arrangement of letters on a piece of paper. Or pixels on a screen.

Being able to give minute details to someone so they can see the same thing I see is my life’s greatest ambition. I hope I’m doing a good enough job.

  • Today I’m grateful for letters in a page, forming thoughts and ideas that can be shared with others. I’m grateful to make an instant connection with someone because they recognized the letters on my jacket. I’m grateful my sisters talked me into sharing my words with all of you.

Night all. LOVES

Time changes

26 Apr

I’m sitting here today with the heat going, under a woobie, having chicken noodle soup because I can’t get warm. It’s so cold, wet and dreary outside, it’s hard to tell that next week is May.

A year ago, I was bugging my landlord to have the maintenance guy come put my A/C unit in the window because it was so hot out! Last year, summer came early. This year, winter is staying late.

It all comes down to whatever happened yesterday, or the day before, or even the day before that, is NOT going to be the same as today, or tomorrow, or the day after that.

Life is not a painting hanging on the wall. Looking the same forever. It’s not a movie either. With pictures connected together and moving into a cohesive story. Because you can re-watch that movie time and time again and it stays the same. Life is a moving, breathing animal that is unpredictable. It can change in an instant. And we need to be adaptable to survive and stay with it.

  • I’m grateful for woobies and chicken soup to warm the inside and the outside. I’m grateful for the time I have. I’m grateful that no mater what, time changes everything. Nothing ever stays the same.

Night all. LOVES

Waffles

25 Apr

Why is it when you mix flour, salt, sugar, egg, and water or milk together, pour it into this heated object that forms squares and let it turn toasty brown, it becomes something that is so amazing? And when you add butter and syrup, it becomes devine?

There is just something about waffles that changes the way you think about life. They make a rainy, cold and drizzly day just a bit more bearable. They make a frown turn into a smile. I think all world summit meetings should start with waffles. How can you be mad and threaten to throw bombs at each other when you’re licking syrup from your mouth and dabbing at your tie  with the napkin because you dribbled?

My mom’s philosophy when things were difficult, wash your face and comb your hair and things will be brighter. Mine is to make waffles.

  • I’m grateful that my cousin sent me a new waffle maker a while ago. It’s been well-loved. I’m grateful I received some outstanding buttermilk syrup mixes from Idaho for Christmas. Today’s selection was very berry. I’m grateful I have some real butter because it just makes the waffles so much better.

Night all. LOVES

 

Haven

24 Apr

I’ve tried very hard to make my home a haven to myself, my family and my friends. I don’t turn many away. And then only if they are too negative or rude. I feel everybody should get at least one chance to try to live up to their potential.

It doesn’t matter if my home was a house, an apartment, a trailer, tent, truck or car. Yes, I have lived in all of those at one time or another. If I had it, I would share.

I had my son’s other family here on and off visit for weekends because it’s easier and cheaper for parenting time to be done here instead if spending 4 hours on the road each way. It’s even been mostly enjoyable. They help with food and they clean up after themselves. And being Aunt Tracy to their child is an immense pleasure. I’ve taught him pop bottle bowling, flying paper airplanes and how to go down the slide by himself.

I’ve also made it a rule at my house that it is a neutral zone. I call it my Switzerland. It doesn’t matter how much you don’t like my other guests, you WILL be polite and civil to them. If you must fight, do it at least 3 blocks away from MY house! Most agree. Those that don’t, aren’t welcome back.

  • I’m grateful that I have made my house a place of comfort, rest and peace to all who enter my door. I’m grateful that the peace I attach to my home makes me feel peace also. I’m grateful that my son’s father cleaned the front room and did the dishes before he left today. It makes having a headache a little bit more bearable.

Night all. LOVES