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15 Dec

I am one of those people who use snarky humor to combat nervousness, grumpiness, and other overwhelming feelings. If I’m cracking snarky jokes, I’m probably covering up some feeling I don’t want to share.

Today has been an excellent example of my being snarky. I’m just grumpy. Not enough sleep. Not feeling well. Lots of grief and anger. I just want to disappear for a while. I want to NOT feel for a while.

Last night I made a comment to a friend that I felt like walking to the bar and getting a mudslide. Or walking to the store for a gallon of ice cream. It didn’t matter which because either would accomplish the same thing. I wouldn’t feel for a while. But the WALKING part deterred me. So I just went upstairs and escaped into The Crown on Netflix. I suppose it’s a good thing I didn’t escape into a container of alcohol or ice cream. But I still wanted to.

After taking myself and my child to the doctor this afternoon, I’m not into walking anywhere else tonight either. So it looks like the second half of season 2 is in my future.

  • I’m grateful to be too tired and sore to do anything besides go up to bed tonight. I’m grateful that my therapist is willing to keep me and not pass me off to someone with more letters after her name. I’m grateful to share chicken strips and JoJos with the Boy for dinner tonight.

Night all. LOVES


Another sucky day

14 Dec

They always say bad news comes in threes. Well I for one hope it stops at 2. I don’t need any more bad news in my life at the moment. It’s not helping my mental health at all.

What three you may ask? One of my best friend’s son was killed in a freak accident this week. And I just found out that a favorite cousin is no longer with us either. Also because of an accident.

But maybe I can count my child and I being sick and failing my housing inspection in the three? My son has been calling it his “accident” all day. I’m not supposed to say the words “vomit”, “barf”, or “puke” or he might do it again.

Whatever happens, I will do my best to handle it with my usual dignity and grace. Or I’ll just go to bed and hide under the blankets for a few days. Either way works for me right now. Heck, I might even do both. Right now I’m going to get lost in “The Crown” on Netflix and shut everything else off.

  • I’m grateful for my beliefs that I WILL see my family again in the hereafter. I’m grateful to know that he’s at peace. And I’m grateful that I received a phone call and didn’t have to read about it on Facebook.

Night all. LOVES

Go Mom!

13 Dec

Something woke me up before the alarm this morning. Not enough before to go back to bed, but enough to grumble about the missed 20 minutes.

As I was going about my routine, my child wakes up vomiting everywhere. In his bed, across the carpet, on the bathroom floor, on the tub, on the toilet, and FINALLY in the toilet. And because the floors are wet, he slips and falls in it and throws up some more. And who gets to clean it up? Go Mom!

After getting him in and out of the shower, and tucked into his other bed(I am SOOOOOO grateful he has 2 twins), there’s still stuff to clean up. School to email, bus to cancel, find the thermometer. Yeah, go Mom!

Found a babysitter (bribed my other child with soda, cigarettes, and goodies!) so I could keep my therapist appointment and pick up our monthly allotment at the pharmacy. Go Mom!

Came home to one child in bed, but not having thrown up again (BONUS), and the other asleep on the couch. So I snuck off to my housing committee meeting that it was STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I make because there was budget stuff to discuss. Go Mom!

The bribed child has went home now. The other is sitting here seeing if the hot Jell-O will stay in. It’s all he’s had besides a Gatorade and water today. Then he can go back up to bed. My grandmother always said a little flavored sugar might help. It gives the body carbs and protein to function. Go Mom!

Now here it is, almost 10pm, and I have 2 loads of laundry in that needs finished before I go to bed (hoping I don’t need to rewash anything because it sat all day). Then I need to make my bed because it has stuff all over it so I could find towels, washcloths, and clean clothes this morning. Go Mom!

I have a housing inspection tomorrow but I’m going to have to take a black mark. There us no way I’m going to be ready. I’m just too overwhelmed by life right now. I’ll just have to do the best I can with what I have at this very moment. And at this moment, the well is pretty empty. Go Mom?!

  • I’m grateful to have woken up early this morning. It could have started so much worse. I’m grateful to my middle child for being willing to be bribed for the day. I helps me so much all the time. I’m grateful that the Jell-O has stayed in for a half hour already. Knocking on wood that THIS crisis is returning to normal. Now it’s time to go check the washer. Go Mom!

Night all. LOVES


Life and death

12 Dec

Today has been a contrast between life and death and how we must go on. Even when we don’t want to.

I had someone who is very close to me lose a child last night. I so know that loss. Especially coming up on my own anniversary. I want to give him my love, support, and all the comfort that he could possibly need. But I also know that he needs to deal with it in his own way. So I will stay by his side.

And then tonight, I was able to chase my grandsons through my house. A 1 and 2 year old will keep you on your toes. But holding those little wiggly bodies close tonight made the pain almost bearable. Definitely bittersweet.

I just want to remind you all to hold each other close. Tell them you love them every time they leave your sight. I think I tell my kids a gazillion times a day. Even if they don’t always hear me.

  • I’m grateful tonight to be tired from chasing grandkids. There is a reason god made parents young. I’m grateful tonight to offer solace to one who needs it. I will try not to smother. I’m grateful to tell you all I love you. You make me a better person.

Night all. LOVES

Soft touch

11 Dec

I’m a soft touch. Especially when dealing with my kids. My youngest was home when his Christmas packages were delivered and I let him open them. Yes, I told him that is all there is and there won’t be anything else under the tree, but he still wanted to open them. So I let him. I was just as excited to see if he liked them. He did. He’s been playing with them all weekend.

  • I’m grateful to know I picked well when getting his presents. I’m grateful for the quiet weekend while he plays with his toys. I’m grateful it’s Sunday night and the new week starts tomorrow.

Night all. LOVES

A part of?

10 Dec

We went to the church Christmas party tonight. There was a yummy dinner, awesome desserts, and singing around the piano.

I was so happy that my son decided to go. I didn’t even mind that we sat at the table furthest from everyone else with our backs to the wall. Because we were there.

He brought his new toy and even engaged with others by showing them what it does. He ate mashed potatoes and gravy. He even ate a piece of pork loin. The only bad part was that I forgot he didn’t like pumpkin pie. But they had apple and he was mostly okay.

You wouldn’t think that a simple piece of pie would shut off his interactions with others but it did. I also think his being in public meter was getting full. At least I hope so. It’s hard to know that sometimes a simple thing can change the world.

  • I’m grateful that we were a part of things, even if it was only for a little while. I’m grateful that he hasn’t said “no” to going again. I’m grateful that it wasn’t as stressful this time.

Night all. LOVES


9 Dec

Which is the real you? The you that you think you are? The you that others think you are? The you that you think others think you are? Or are you who you really are? Does the perceptions decide who you are? Or are you who are that decides the perceptions?  I think it’s a mishmash of all the above.

Early in my recovery, I was told “What others think of me is none of my business!” In other words, quit letting others decide how I see myself. To just be who I want to be. But what if you want to be that you that others see? What if you just want to be normal? Then you get the question “What is normal?” Most people will say normal is just like everybody else. I have decided that MY normal is wherever I can be comfortable. If that’s sitting on the sidelines watching the people go by, or not going to the party with everyone else, or being in the middle of everything, it can all be normal.

A few years ago, there was a meme going around with pictures that asked these very questions. And I decided then that I’m okay just the way I am. That I don’t need others perceptions of me, including mine, to tell me who I should be. I will admit that I don’t always think that.

The biggest goal that anybody can reach is to be okay with themselves just the way they are at that particular moment in time. Just do the best you can with what you got at that very moment. That’s all you can ask of yourself. And others. Acceptance is the key to happiness.

  • I’m grateful today to be there when someone needed me. I’m grateful today to hear some hard truths I needed to hear. I’m grateful that we both felt much better when it was over. At least that was my perception if it.

Night all. LOVES