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Fake it til you make it

17 Aug

One of the things I learned in early recovery is to act as if. If you want to be clean, act clean. If you are struggling, just keep doing the things that will get you through.

I’ve been struggling lately. It’s really obvious when I go back and reread my blogs for the last couple of months. I can tell in my writing that I’m not doing well. I’m just putting words on a page to fill space. That wasn’t what I wanted when I started this. I wanted to use this as a daily journal and as a place to write down my gratitude. I’m unhappy with what I’m doing right now. I’m still writing my gratitude list, but I’m having a really hard time finding something to be grateful for.

Actually, I’m struggling to find something new that I’m grateful for. Because I started a blog, I need to make it fresh and alive every day or I feel that I’m a failure. And some days I’m just not feeling fresh and alive. Some days I’m barely climbing out of bed. And if I am getting out of bed, I’m not doing anything else. Not showering, or getting dressed. Definitely not eating right. And I can see myself not doing this stuff, but not having the energy or the inclination to do anything about it.

So I suppose it’s time to make me a list and just do those things until I want to do them again.

So I’ll get up and get dressed every day. I’ll try to eat one healthy thing every day. I’ll try to get outside every day. That’s three things that I can work on.

  • I’m grateful that I’m noticing that I need to do something different. Now to work on doing it. I’m grateful to my housing mentor for giving me new goals to work on instead of just letting me slide. I’m grateful I want to change. Because there are definitely times when I could care less about what I’m doing.

Night all. LOVES

Just an ordinary day

17 Aug

Today is just an ordinary day. I spent part of the day waiting for my youngest son’s father to come and get him for his last extended visit of the summer. He’ll be gone 10 days this time. I know he hasn’t been home much this month. I’ve mostly been hanging out in the air conditioning so it’s all good.

One good thing about him being gone is the house stays clean unless someone comes over. Still trying to clean up after the grands were here this weekend. Their parents weren’t much help.

I think I’m going to read a book or find something interesting to watch on the electronic device this evening. Other than work on the dishes. I HATE doing dishes.

  • I’m grateful I have food to put on the dishes to make them dirty. I’m grateful to have an ordinary day. No excitement or chaos involved. I’m grateful for Popsicles in the freezer. I’m craving something sweet.

Night all. LOVES

My camper is home!

16 Aug

My son came home from camp this evening. I think he had a great time. But now we have to deal with what always happens after a vacation. Getting back to the real world.

He’s tired and grumpy. He’s overloaded on peopling. Too much stimulation over the last week. He didn’t get his meds until way late in the day. And mom did stuff while he was gone. I was supposed to lock myself in the closet and not do anything until he came home. I love how kids think the world stops when they aren’t there.

His dad is coming in the morning to have him for his last extended visit for the summer. And he’s NOT happy about that either. I’m pretty sure he is going to be asleep before too much longer because of how irritable he’s being. I’m so happy he’s home. I missed him.

  • I’m grateful that he made it home in one piece. And everything he took came home too! I’m grateful that it’s close to bedtime because he really needs some sleep. I’m grateful that I can find the humor in the whole situation.

Night all. LOVES

Toddlers

15 Aug

The grandsons were here overnight with their father until about noon today. There is a reason people have kids when they are young. Chasing toddlers is tiring. And I wasn’t even doing much of the chasing.

It was nice to know that I can still wrangle a child into a clean diaper and clean clothes faster than they can wriggle out of them. I can still rock a baby to sleep without resorting to real rocks. And I can shovel food into a little  face fast enough to keep him happy.

But the best part about having them here? The minute they went home! Can’t even tell my house was clean last week. All my dishes are dirty. I have movies and toys everywhere. And I’m exhausted. Looking forward to bedtime.

  • I’m grateful that they came to visit. And it was nice rocking them to sleep. I’m grateful that they survived the visit. I didn’t kill them or myself. I’m grateful that I’ve turned the ringer off and locked the doors. I’m out of order until the youngest son gets home from camp.

Night all. LOVES

Needing a new outlook

13 Aug

I heard something yesterday and it stuck with me. And after church today, and thinking about it while trying to listen to the lessons, I knew I had to write about it.

I need to change my outlook on my life. I know I’m always grateful for what I have. But I also need to learn to be grateful for what I don’t have. I also need to be less critical of what I can do anymore and be more welcoming of what I can STILL do.

Instead of whining because I can’t do my dishes and put them away at the same time, I need to be grateful that I can still stand up to do them and I have the opportunity to take as long as I need to get them done.

Instead of whining about sleeping on my broken couch in front of the a/c, I need to be grateful that I’m not hauling my 500 pounds if belongings across the country in a handcart. Have you ever figured out exactly how much 500 pounds is? Especially when most of that needs to be food! No microwave or ovens are allowed. Didn’t have electricity anyway.

  • Today I’m grateful to wake up in a bed, in a house, with electricity instead of on the side of the road somewhere. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to get a ride to church in a nice car instead walking over a mile and needing another shower when I get there. I’m grateful that I can sit and poke a screen on my phone to write this instead of making ink with charcoal and using a feather that a wrestled from a bird. Remember, it’s all in how you look at it that determines what is important.

Night all. LOVES

Weather bones

12 Aug

Woke up early this morning to an overcast sky and a threat of rain by Sunday! I’m praying so hard for rain! I’m  also hoping that the hitch in my get along means it’s coming sooner than expected.

That’s one of the toughest things about growing old. When your body becomes a more accurate weather forecaster than the weatherdudes. I knew last night that the weather was changing.

As I was going upstairs, my hip decides it’s done and the rest of me could go on without it because it was staying right here! On the third step from the top! So the rest of me continued on. I’m glad I was close enough to the top that I could fall up the stairs because I really wasn’t in the mood to fall back down!

So today has been quiet and peaceful. Mostly because I’m NOT moving much. I’m going to the doctor Monday morning.

  • I’m grateful I was near the top instead of closer to the middle of the stairs last night. I’m thinking that throwing myself up is what wrenched my hip the most. I’m grateful that it’s cooler today. I’m NOT carrying my fan up and down the stairs today. Doesn’t matter how hot it is. I’m grateful that I haven’t broken my sense of humor. It gets me through lots of adversity.

Night all. LOVES

Inner snarkiness is lose

12 Aug

I had this whole thing written in my head, and then I turned on the phone, and poof! There it went! Hate when that happens!

I was going to talk about why it’s beneficial to spend the afternoon watching old comedy routines, ignoring the phone ringing, and the knocking door. Just spending time with me and my inner snarky attitude.

And then when the website was loading, that conscientious voice piped up in the back of my head, whispering, “You can’t say all that. Someone will get angry. You are always nice to everyone and you are NEVER snarky to their faces!”

Dang it. The stupid voice is on to something. I do chicken out when confronted with confrontation. I don’t have the juevoes to tell someone exactly what’s what.

So I suppose I’ll go beg one of my neighbors to open my bottle, because I can’t today, and drink some more.

  • I’m grateful to have spent some time this morning with a great friend and her family. I’m grateful to have 6 more bottles of sparkly water in the fridge. (You thought I meant something else before, didn’t you?!) I’m grateful to be locked in with my snarky comments and thoughts where I won’t inadvertently cause a confrontation that I can’t confront well.

Night all. LOVES