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Fake it til you make it

17 Aug

One of the things I learned in early recovery is to act as if. If you want to be clean, act clean. If you are struggling, just keep doing the things that will get you through.

I’ve been struggling lately. It’s really obvious when I go back and reread my blogs for the last couple of months. I can tell in my writing that I’m not doing well. I’m just putting words on a page to fill space. That wasn’t what I wanted when I started this. I wanted to use this as a daily journal and as a place to write down my gratitude. I’m unhappy with what I’m doing right now. I’m still writing my gratitude list, but I’m having a really hard time finding something to be grateful for.

Actually, I’m struggling to find something new that I’m grateful for. Because I started a blog, I need to make it fresh and alive every day or I feel that I’m a failure. And some days I’m just not feeling fresh and alive. Some days I’m barely climbing out of bed. And if I am getting out of bed, I’m not doing anything else. Not showering, or getting dressed. Definitely not eating right. And I can see myself not doing this stuff, but not having the energy or the inclination to do anything about it.

So I suppose it’s time to make me a list and just do those things until I want to do them again.

So I’ll get up and get dressed every day. I’ll try to eat one healthy thing every day. I’ll try to get outside every day. That’s three things that I can work on.

  • I’m grateful that I’m noticing that I need to do something different. Now to work on doing it. I’m grateful to my housing mentor for giving me new goals to work on instead of just letting me slide. I’m grateful I want to change. Because there are definitely times when I could care less about what I’m doing.

Night all. LOVES

Needing a new outlook

13 Aug

I heard something yesterday and it stuck with me. And after church today, and thinking about it while trying to listen to the lessons, I knew I had to write about it.

I need to change my outlook on my life. I know I’m always grateful for what I have. But I also need to learn to be grateful for what I don’t have. I also need to be less critical of what I can do anymore and be more welcoming of what I can STILL do.

Instead of whining because I can’t do my dishes and put them away at the same time, I need to be grateful that I can still stand up to do them and I have the opportunity to take as long as I need to get them done.

Instead of whining about sleeping on my broken couch in front of the a/c, I need to be grateful that I’m not hauling my 500 pounds if belongings across the country in a handcart. Have you ever figured out exactly how much 500 pounds is? Especially when most of that needs to be food! No microwave or ovens are allowed. Didn’t have electricity anyway.

  • Today I’m grateful to wake up in a bed, in a house, with electricity instead of on the side of the road somewhere. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to get a ride to church in a nice car instead walking over a mile and needing another shower when I get there. I’m grateful that I can sit and poke a screen on my phone to write this instead of making ink with charcoal and using a feather that a wrestled from a bird. Remember, it’s all in how you look at it that determines what is important.

Night all. LOVES

Inner snarkiness is lose

12 Aug

I had this whole thing written in my head, and then I turned on the phone, and poof! There it went! Hate when that happens!

I was going to talk about why it’s beneficial to spend the afternoon watching old comedy routines, ignoring the phone ringing, and the knocking door. Just spending time with me and my inner snarky attitude.

And then when the website was loading, that conscientious voice piped up in the back of my head, whispering, “You can’t say all that. Someone will get angry. You are always nice to everyone and you are NEVER snarky to their faces!”

Dang it. The stupid voice is on to something. I do chicken out when confronted with confrontation. I don’t have the juevoes to tell someone exactly what’s what.

So I suppose I’ll go beg one of my neighbors to open my bottle, because I can’t today, and drink some more.

  • I’m grateful to have spent some time this morning with a great friend and her family. I’m grateful to have 6 more bottles of sparkly water in the fridge. (You thought I meant something else before, didn’t you?!) I’m grateful to be locked in with my snarky comments and thoughts where I won’t inadvertently cause a confrontation that I can’t confront well.

Night all. LOVES

What are you eating?

9 Aug

I’m being lazy this month. The high temperatures haven’t helped. But here it is into the second week of the month and I haven’t gone grocery shopping yet. We’ve been eating and making do with what’s in the cupboards.

This morning for breakfast I made some baked oatmeal. I started with almost a cup of rolled oats. I added one grated pear, the juice from 2 small oranges (about 2/3 cup), some cinnamon (I didn’t measure because the lid was open and more than I wanted went into the bowl) some freshly grated nutmeg (didn’t measure that either), 1/4 cup brown sugar. Blend it all together and spread on a greased tray and bake at 350 for 20 minutes. Until it’s brown and toasty.

For dinner I’m doing some chicken. I put 2 frozen, boneless, skinless chicken breasts in a pan of  water. I added some pepper, garlic powder, sriracha, Italian seasoning, soy sauce and some fish sauce to the water. I also added a handful of frozen celery and a handful of frozen onion. Brought it to a boil, lowered to a simmer and let it hang out until the chicken isn’t pink in the middle. Then I have chicken I can chop up and use in some noodles, the child likes ramen. And I have about a quart of chicken broth. I might add some of the frozen brown rice I have in the freezer to made some chicken rice soup.

I’m hoping the chicken will help us both feel better. I have a scratchy, sore throat, a growly voice, and a runny nose. I’ve used most of a roll of tp just since last night. The child has a cough and sore throat. I had the windows and doors open late last night because I figured all the smoke had dissipated, but I guess not.

  • I’m grateful to have stuff stashed in the house for those moments when I just can’t get out to the store. I’m grateful to be able to make excellent Whatchagot stew. I’m grateful that the weather is cooling off. Haven’t even turn the air conditioning on yet today.

Night all. LOVES

Nothing much happened today

8 Aug

I was supposed to have a housing inspection today that I have been stressed about for over 2 months. I mean really, really stressed. Make myself sick with worry stressed. It was supposed to be the last Friday in July, but because of a scheduling error, they made it for today. Plus threw in a pre-inspection inspection last week.

So I was up early to do all those last minute things you do. Like pick up all the bigger pieces, by hand because the vacuum is broken, of shredded paper your child has dragged out into the room from who knows where.

Make all the beds. Including the one that said child is still sleeping in because he doesn’t sleep during the night.

Do the dishes because said child who doesn’t sleep at night and drags scattered pieces of confetti paper through the house decided that he was hungry at 3 am! He wanted mashed potatoes and gravy!

Cleaning the toilet because after the child had mashed potatoes and gravy at 3 am, he was in the bathroom forever! Do I really need to be specific here?

Plus I cancelled my appointment for today because an adult needed to be here.

So I’m sitting there on pins and needles worrying about if I’m going to pass because my child has been home for two weeks since they were supposed to be here. And after I paid someone to come clean my bathroom and front room.

And guess what? They decided NOT to come to MY apartment! They only did random ones! And mine wasn’t one they picked.

  • I’m grateful they didn’t come to my house today. But I’m still a bit annoyed. I’m grateful that I was able to take a nap this afternoon because I needed one. I’m grateful that my child is going to sleep-away camp this weekend and then his dad’s for 10 days. Because dad needs to get up at 3 am to make mashed potatoes and gravy.

Night all. LOVES


Waiting vs procrastinating

1 Aug

I’m a really good procrastinator. I love to wait until the last minute to get things done. I think I figured out one of the reasons why. I’m not good at waiting!

Waiting for tomorrow is driving me crazy. I just want it to be over already. I want them to tell me what’s OK and what to fix before they come back next week to do it again.

And keeping my child from dragging stuff out is really making things difficult here. He’s decided he would rather hang out upstairs with just the fans than be down here in the cooler part of the house because I’m constantly telling him to pick stuff up. It’s like following a toddler around in a museum making sure they don’t touch.

  • I’m grateful that tomorrow is just 5 hours away. 13 until the earliest they’ll be here. I’m grateful that tomorrow is also the first. Thinking someone can deliver dinner! I’m grateful to be as ready as I’m going to be.

Night all. LOVES

It’s not my business

29 Jul

Yesterday, I was rambling about how I didn’t know if anything I did mattered to anyone. Today I realized that it doesn’t really matter if anyone is interested in what I’m doing as long as I’m interested.

I realized that if I matter to me, then others will notice. But if they don’t, it’s their loss, not mine. One of the first things I learned in recovery is what someone thinks of me is none of my business. I had conveniently forgotten.

It’s also a different day. My housing inspection was this morning. And my house wasn’t perfect. But I had reached a point where I was “done” worrying about it. Let it happen how it was going to happen. I had even prayed about it. Asking Heavenly Father to help me pass my inspection. And I let it go. The inspection was postponed until next month. I was annoyed at first because that means I’ll have that much longer to worry and stress. But I realized tonight that I don’t have to stress about it. I just have to do what I can do to the best of my abilities and it will work out for the best. So now I have an extra 10 days to find a broom, a vacuum, and get rid of all these boxes of crap that line the walls. It all comes back to I need to quit stressing about what others think of me. And just be me.

  • I’m grateful that the inspection was postponed. Even if I wasn’t at first. I’m grateful I was giggling and laughing about stupid stuff this afternoon. I hadn’t heard that in a while. I’m grateful that I was able to stay still ling enough to finish a book I’ve been working on for over a week. I NEVER take that long on ONE book.

Night all. LOVES