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Summer project

20 Jun

I think if you have a project to work on over the summer, whenever the words “I’m bored” comes up, you can do something on the project list.

Our summer project this year is to get our house ready for a big inspection in July. I figure we can do a little bit each day.

We’re starting in the child’s room. There is way to much stuff in there! So we’re finding homes in the room for some, and homes somewhere else for others.

Today was going through all the stuffies and making the beds. He has so many that they get their own bed. That’s why we had to make the bed. I must say it looks pretty good. I told him if it gets messed up between now and then, they WILL be finding new homes.

We also finished moving the furniture around. That has been a month-long process. Now his television isn’t in front of the window. He couldn’t watch it because the sun was always in his face.

I sometimes that my child was more neurotypical. It gets difficult when all the stuffies have names and backstories. And that he would sleep with sheets. And less than 6 pillows that must be placed just so. And change sends him into panic mode. But I don’t. So I learn to do what I can with what I got. And give him lots of heads-up when things have to change.

  • Today I’m grateful that the room is getting there. A step at a time. I’m grateful that I have learned ways to get things done and still work around his peculiarities. I’m grateful the inspection is next month instead of this one!

Night all. LOVES

June 18, 2009.

19 Jun

In the spring of 2009 an interesting thing happened to me. Somebody turned me in to child welfare for using drugs. I found out when a nice lady showed up on my doorstep with cup in hand wanting me to pee in it. She said if I didn’t she had the authority to take my children with her.

Me, being the good addict I was, figured that since I had just did some, it didn’t have time to get to my bladder yet. So I said sure, what have I got to lose. Of course it came back dirty! Addicts have the worst thinking errors. She ended up taking my kids anyway.

And so my journey began. I started with outpatient treatment 3 days a week. But I continued to use on the days I didn’t have to go. And tried so many crazy ways to give a clean sample on the days I did.

The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. And I couldn’t get more than 15 days in a row. It was so hard. I couldn’t see my kids. The eldest was off doing his own thing and refusing to speak to me. The middle one was on the run from his foster homes and I didn’t know where he was. And I had to have 2 clean samples in a row to see the youngest. The people I was living with didn’t want me to be clean because then they would have to move out. So I was going to Day Treatment up to 4 days a week. And sneaking out of the house to get to meetings.

I remember for my birthday, my dealer showed up at the door with a nice package for my present. She said she missed me. Why is it when you WANT to use, you can NEVER find free dope, but when you DON’T WANT to use, everybody is giving you some?! So I sat on my couch, crying because I was 42, my life sucked, and used every single drop of Meth I had because I didn’t want to waste any by throwing it away.

When I came down, I made myself a promise. I wanted to be done! And I would do what needed to be done to get clean. I went for a walk around the block and sat on the church lawn. And prayed! And cried! And prayed some more! Some gentleman came out and sat with me and we just talked. He told me how much my Heavenly Father lived me and wanted me to come back to church. And if I would keep doing the next right thing, He would help me get it done.

I went to a meeting the next afternoon and I found a sponsor. Her sponsor told her that she needed to be my sponsor before I even asked. She was amazing. I called her every night. And we went to meetings together 3-4 times a week. She helped me with the people living with me. She encouraged me to tell them at treatment to sign me up for inpatient.

The night of June 18th, she took me to a speaker meeting where this really old guy talked about his days as a methhead. And that he got clean. And I saw myself in his story. Because I had used the night before, I was the newest one there. He gave me a signed copy of the book he wrote. I still have it. That’s the last time I used! I got a spot at an inpatient facility and went in on June 30th. I’m still clean today.

It’s NOT easy. Life still sucks. But it’s manageable most of the time. I try every day to keep my Heavenly Father first in all I do. And He helps me keep that day sacred.

As long as I remember my HP and my cleandate, everything else will work out. And that person who turned me in? I tell him I love him and thank you every day.

  • Today, I am SOOO grateful for 8 drug free years. I am grateful that a stranger told me that my Heavenly Father still loved me even after everything I had done. I am grateful that I was someone else’s ‘sponsor homework’.

Night all. LOVES


H. E. A. D. A. C. H. E.

14 Jun

There’s an old joke that comes to mind today. Is the above word pronounced hed-a-shay or hed-a-shee? Neither it’s pronounced hed-āke. Today is ending with one if those!

It started as a day where you just want to lie in bed with the covers up to your nose type of day. I should have listened to my gut because it’s been all downhill from there.

The child hasn’t done his final project that’s due tomorrow morning. So we got to do that right after school while getting ready to leave.

I had my monthly community service meeting tonight. And I left there wondering why I’m going every month to listen to people arguing about why THEIR position is right and YOURS is wrong. It’s gotten to where I’m afraid to say anything because it’s going to start another “discussion”.

And it’s not ending well either. But it is ending. Which is a good thing. All that’s left of the day is to get the child to sleep and get me to sleep.

It’s not as easy as it sounds because NOW he’s hungry! Fruity Pebbles to the rescue.

  • I’m grateful that today is almost over. I’m grateful that there’s only 2 more days of school. And all assignments need to be finished tomorrow. I’m grateful my decisions today were only $40 instead of $80.

Night all. LOVES


Shopping sucks!

6 Jun

I hate shopping! Any shopping, especially for clothes. But a close second is grocery shopping.

The first week of the month is always my least favorite time. I have to pay bills and buy groceries. I think the grocery trip is my least favorite. Deciding how healthy I need to be while also being as frugal as I can be always gives me a headache. So I buy the lean hamburger or the tasteless chicken burger? Do I buy the fresh broccoli or the frozen? Do I get chunky or creamy peanut butter this month? And always stay under budget.

I use food stamps for part if my grocery budget and that adds another layer to my shopping trip. You get those people that look at you because you’re buying the more expensive chicken sausage instead of the pork byproduct sausage. I’m buying it because it’s better for me not because it’s more expensive. My one indulgence is sparkly water. I don’t drink soda anymore unless that is all that is available. I’ll pick regular water first. I can’t really drink juice anymore either because it spikes my blood sugar. But I really like the sparkly water. It’s my soda. So why do people feel the need to say something about buying it?

Why does anyone think that because I get food stamps they can tell me what I should or shouldn’t buy? If my grocery budget is actually less than yours, it shouldn’t matter what I’m buying.

  • Today I’m grateful to have groceries in my cupboards. I’m grateful I didn’t go off on the lady behind me mumbling about what I’m buying. I’m grateful my salad for dinner was amazing!

Night all. LOVES


27 May

All I have in me today is my gratitude. I’m so angry and depressed that I can’t seem to get anything accomplished. I know I’m in a deep hole when I notice I’m yelling at my kid more often than not. It’s really bad when he has to remind me that every time I’ve talked to him in the last couple days has been with a raised voice.

So I’m putting myself in timeout. Some music, a book, and removing me from the situation is in order.

  • Today I’m grateful to realize that I need a timeout so I’ll quit coming out sideways. I’m grateful today to have a really cool playlist on YouTube Red. I’m grateful it’s the start of a long weekend so I have some time to change my mindset.

Night all. LOVES


25 May

One of the worst parts of being bipolar that I have noticed is that when I’m on the up and down cycles of the rollercoaster in my mind, I can see what’s ahead, but I can’t get off. And I can’t reach the controls because I’m ON the ride. Every time I go by the operator’s control panel, he’s either not looking or paying attention. Or else he’s just gone altogether. Nobody can hear  me screaming to get off. Probably because I’m not yelling.

Why is it that I can see me floundering, but can’t do anything about it? I feel so broken today. And nothing has changed since yesterday. Or the day before. Today started just like every other day. Get up and get Carson up for school. And I try to stay awake, but I can’t. I end up sleeping the day away. And I’m sleeping all night. Just don’t want to wake up.

I know I’m in a down cycle and I know I need to get out, I just haven’t figured out how yet. I guess that saying “Take it one day at a time.” is in play for a bit.

  • I’m grateful today that I have a safe place to crash. I’m grateful that I learned to build rollercoasters in my youth so I know how they work. I’m grateful to know that what goes under must come back up.

Night all. LOVES

I am a hoarder

18 May

The title for today says it all. I know I’m a hoarder. And I’m passing it on to my children. My son’s room is full of stuff. You get through by walking on paths. My room is close.

Why is it so hard to throw things away? It gives me a stomach ache just thinking about it right now. I get an anxiety attack when I carry the garbage bags up the stairs. When I throw things away, I have to do it the night before the garbage guys come and lock myself in the house so I’m not tempted to go “rescue” something I might need in the future.

I have started over so many times in my life that I’m contemplating just throwing EVERYTHING away and starting over because then I get over the emotional baggage all at once instead of dragging it out. I’m good at starting over. I’m not good at getting rid of stuff I don’t need. Maybe I’m good at starting over because then I don’t have to throw anything away. I need to keep everything because I have nothing.

I need help! And I don’t know how to start. I’m not sure what to bet out of this to be grateful for but here goes.

  • I’m grateful the maintenance guy put new blinds in even though I didn’t ask for them. I’m grateful to realize that’s need help. I’m grateful I’m strong enough to ask for help.

Night all. LOVES