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June 18, 2009.

19 Jun

In the spring of 2009 an interesting thing happened to me. Somebody turned me in to child welfare for using drugs. I found out when a nice lady showed up on my doorstep with cup in hand wanting me to pee in it. She said if I didn’t she had the authority to take my children with her.

Me, being the good addict I was, figured that since I had just did some, it didn’t have time to get to my bladder yet. So I said sure, what have I got to lose. Of course it came back dirty! Addicts have the worst thinking errors. She ended up taking my kids anyway.

And so my journey began. I started with outpatient treatment 3 days a week. But I continued to use on the days I didn’t have to go. And tried so many crazy ways to give a clean sample on the days I did.

The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. And I couldn’t get more than 15 days in a row. It was so hard. I couldn’t see my kids. The eldest was off doing his own thing and refusing to speak to me. The middle one was on the run from his foster homes and I didn’t know where he was. And I had to have 2 clean samples in a row to see the youngest. The people I was living with didn’t want me to be clean because then they would have to move out. So I was going to Day Treatment up to 4 days a week. And sneaking out of the house to get to meetings.

I remember for my birthday, my dealer showed up at the door with a nice package for my present. She said she missed me. Why is it when you WANT to use, you can NEVER find free dope, but when you DON’T WANT to use, everybody is giving you some?! So I sat on my couch, crying because I was 42, my life sucked, and used every single drop of Meth I had because I didn’t want to waste any by throwing it away.

When I came down, I made myself a promise. I wanted to be done! And I would do what needed to be done to get clean. I went for a walk around the block and sat on the church lawn. And prayed! And cried! And prayed some more! Some gentleman came out and sat with me and we just talked. He told me how much my Heavenly Father lived me and wanted me to come back to church. And if I would keep doing the next right thing, He would help me get it done.

I went to a meeting the next afternoon and I found a sponsor. Her sponsor told her that she needed to be my sponsor before I even asked. She was amazing. I called her every night. And we went to meetings together 3-4 times a week. She helped me with the people living with me. She encouraged me to tell them at treatment to sign me up for inpatient.

The night of June 18th, she took me to a speaker meeting where this really old guy talked about his days as a methhead. And that he got clean. And I saw myself in his story. Because I had used the night before, I was the newest one there. He gave me a signed copy of the book he wrote. I still have it. That’s the last time I used! I got a spot at an inpatient facility and went in on June 30th. I’m still clean today.

It’s NOT easy. Life still sucks. But it’s manageable most of the time. I try every day to keep my Heavenly Father first in all I do. And He helps me keep that day sacred.

As long as I remember my HP and my cleandate, everything else will work out. And that person who turned me in? I tell him I love him and thank you every day.

  • Today, I am SOOO grateful for 8 drug free years. I am grateful that a stranger told me that my Heavenly Father still loved me even after everything I had done. I am grateful that I was someone else’s ‘sponsor homework’.

Night all. LOVES



5 Jun

Today, I’m having a really hard time finding the right words to say what I’m feeling. It’s difficult to get those thoughts in my head into words on a page and still keep the meaning. It doesn’t help that I can’t remember how to spell the words I want to use so I have to change the whole sentence.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I know that the Book of Mormon is a book of scripture written by prophets of old and translated by Joseph Smith. I know that the church has a living prophet now, and he gets devine inspiration from God. I know that the people I see every Sunday, love me and my children, and are willing to always help me become the best person I can be.

  • I’m grateful to be here in the country I’m in so that I can have the freedom to say what I want to say. I’m grateful to be able to worship the way I believe is best. I’m grateful that I have the courage to share this with you.

Night all. LOVES


22 May

We had a potluck after church today. My stomach is still full. One thing about a church potluck that is universal is that if you go home hungry, it’s your own fault.

Our ward is a mixed English/Spanish ward. So we get to mix language and culture, especially at our church functions. Getting a taste of everyone’s special recipes is amazing.

Today, the big thing was one of the Latina ladies brought 2 huge jugs of horchata. It was awesome! I don’t think they took any home. There was also salads, and casseroles, and lots of cookies, donuts, and my son’s favorite, chocolate pudding. My favorite was the spaghetti and mini meatballs. Probably because I don’t get spaghetti often at home. Spaghetti is NOT a single person friendly meal.

So what is your favorite potluck dish to eat? To bring? Needing ideas for the next one. And my son says I need to be on the lookout for vegetarian/vegan options besides just salad. I need to be more inclusive.

  • Today I’m grateful to bring my almost empty casserole dish home full of little bits and bites of other’s cooking. I’m grateful to not have to cook tonight. It’s way too hot. I’m grateful for church potlucks because I was able to get my child to go with me today. Told him it’s the only way he would eat tonight.

Night all. LOVES

Listening to the promptings

8 May

I was up early this morning to go to a special stake conference for church today. We had a General Authority, Elder Craig C. Christensen come to give a talk. It was an experience I won’t soon forget. It was the first time I’ve gone to stake conference. I usually count it as a day off and sleep in. There were so many people there. It was almost standing room only.

When I said my prayers this morning, I asked to be able to hear something I would be able to use to solve a dilemma I have. Not a specific thing, but just something.

I heard it. I knew when he was talking, he was talking to me. It gave me hope that what I’m doing is the right thing. That even if I don’t see the results, my children and their children will.

  • The Spirit was strong in that building today. I’m grateful that I was able to be there to feel it. I’m grateful to receive an answer to a prayer I wasn’t even sure I had been asking. I’m grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That President Monsoon is a prophet of God, and the man he sent to Portland today was also a man of God. I am so blessed.

Night all. LOVES

Easter Sunday

17 Apr

I’ve started today several times to write this blog. Each time it just doesn’t seem adequate to explain how grateful I am for the love of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Because Jesus suffered in the garden of Gethsemane, dying on the cross, and rising on the third day, I have a chance to see my family who have gone on before me and the ones who come after me. I have a chance to live forever in Heaven with my Heavenly Father. I have a chance to start over with a clean slate after all the crappy stuff I’ve done in my past. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father asked his son to suffer and die for the rest of us to be able to live. And He said yes, I will go and do what you have commanded me. I’m not sure I could do the same.

  • I’m so very grateful for the love of my Heavenly Father. I’m grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ so that I might be saved. I’m grateful that I know this is true to the very depths of my soul.

Night all. LOVES

Keep trying

10 Apr

I’ve been struggling to get my youngest to church. And I’m feeling frustrated. He just doesn’t want to go.

He’s been baptized, but I wonder if he said he wanted me to be happy instead of doing it because he really knew what he was doing. Or if he even wanted to. I ask him all the time why he won’t go with me and he usually answers, “I don’t have any friends there.” I can understand that. Our ward has about 30 kids under the age of 19 and 20 are under the age of 12. He was really good friends with a couple of the older boys, but they all left on missions last summer.

I told him that if he keeps going to church, Heavenly Father will send him a friend. The Missionaries and the Bishop keep telling him the same thing. And we keep praying about it.

He went to church with me today! He sat in the foyer the entire day, but he was in the building. It’s progress not perfection. We’ll try again next weekend.

  • I’m grateful he was willing to go today. I’m grateful he stayed off his phone during the passing of the Sacrament. I’m grateful he has agreed to try again next week.

Night all. LOVES


3 Apr

I’m agitated today by just about anything and everything. It doesn’t really matter what it is, it just rubs me wrong. I don’t like feeling this way.

Everything just seems to be going bad today. I paid the phone bill yesterday so I wouldn’t have to worry about it today. Woke up to the phone or working. Had to go to the corporate store because the phone support just wanted me to pay my bill. After I paid the bill, they would be able to help me with my problem. It took the girl at the corporate store 2 phone calls to figure out what the issue was. She got the phones turned on. But I was looking at my phone a bit later and I needed to add $5. So I tried to add just $5. Oh no, it took a whole bill again!

Then every time I tried to watch the second day of conference, my phone kept dying. There was something wrong with the charging cord. It took almost an hour and a half to find the right charger and plug combination to successfully charge my phone.

It’s only the second so I don’t have any foodies yet. And because of the phone bill thing, I’m trying to not spend very much cash. So it was another bare cupboard day. I don’t mind much, but my youngest doesn’t like Whatchagot stew much. So he whines all day. Yes, I know. If he’s hungry  he’ll eat. But he doesn’t do it quietly!

And then there’s the usual time for bedtime stuff we go through every day. Only add in the fact that it’s been Spring Break at dad’s house and he hasn’t been to bed before 10:30 all week. So he’s not tired now.

I know I’m the one whining now. So I guess that means it’s time to go to bed and start over tomorrow.

  • I’m grateful to remember to take deep breaths when my day is falling apart. I’m grateful I have an inhaler when all that fresh air makes it hard to breathe. I know, go figure. More air, less breathing. I’m grateful to be able to listen to at least part of conference today. But I’ll have time this week to try again.

Night all. LOVES