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A part of?

10 Dec

We went to the church Christmas party tonight. There was a yummy dinner, awesome desserts, and singing around the piano.

I was so happy that my son decided to go. I didn’t even mind that we sat at the table furthest from everyone else with our backs to the wall. Because we were there.

He brought his new toy and even engaged with others by showing them what it does. He ate mashed potatoes and gravy. He even ate a piece of pork loin. The only bad part was that I forgot he didn’t like pumpkin pie. But they had apple and he was mostly okay.

You wouldn’t think that a simple piece of pie would shut off his interactions with others but it did. I also think his being in public meter was getting full. At least I hope so. It’s hard to know that sometimes a simple thing can change the world.

  • I’m grateful that we were a part of things, even if it was only for a little while. I’m grateful that he hasn’t said “no” to going again. I’m grateful that it wasn’t as stressful this time.

Night all. LOVES


Gratitude changes you

13 Nov

In church today, we talked about gratitude and how it can change your outlook on life. I can tell you that it works. I’ve been doing My Gratitude List for 8 years. And a year of it here on this blog. And I know that I look at so many things in a different way than when I started.

I used to think everything and everyone was out to get me any that it didn’t matter what I did. My life sucked and I would never get clean. My kids were never coming home and it didn’t matter if they did because I was a rotten mom and person. And more along those lines.

But now, by looking for the positive in every situation, I can honestly say that I’m happy where I am and with what I’m doing. I’m not a perfect mom, but I AM the best mom I can be at the moment. My kids have a clean and sober mother who lives them very much and what’s THEM to do the best that THEY can in all they do.

My life isn’t the way I always wanted it to be but I’m okay with where it is. I’m making progress in getting things the way I can be happy with.

  • I’m grateful that all of our needs are met every day. And some of our wants too. I’m grateful for freezer burritos for dinner. I get fish. I’m grateful I do gratitude and thankfulness all year and not just in November. Doing it every day means I don’t forget what it could have like.

Night all. LOVES

How firm a foundation

29 Oct

I went to church this morning and I am so glad I did. I had a tug of war with myself to get out of my bed. I really didn’t want to go. But I did. I can’t imagine what would have happened this afternoon if I didn’t.

Someone high showed up at my house today! I made her leave but I’m still as antsy as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It’s hard when a friend is lost.

My son’s dad and family are at my house for the next four days. 4 extra people to be sociable to. With nowhere to escape to.

So my stress level is so high right now. I guess I get some more practice on my coping skills for a few days.

  • I’m grateful for the strong foundation I built when I started this journey. I’m grateful to have people to call when I need them. I’m grateful it’s only 4 days.

Night all. LOVES


22 Oct

I made it to Sacrament this morning at church. I came home after because Carson was home alone and I had a personal issue. I’ll just say it was painful to sit there.

I thought it was ironic that I had to come home early when the talks this morning were about enduring to the end. But I don’t think staying for Sunday school is what they were talking about by enduring to the end.

I think it means that whether you’re having good times or bad, keep your focus on the future. And remember that it’s not about winning the battle so much as winning the war.

I always keep in mind what Dory says when my life seems to be overwhelming, “Just Keep Swimming!”

  • I’m grateful to make it to part of church. I’m grateful for a cushion to sit on. I’m grateful to test my endurance as I  listen to my child snore in the recliner.

Night all. LOVES


30 Sep

When ever I feel down, I look for something or someone to inspire me to do something different. Or to be a better person.

Sometimes it’s just a simple thing. Like this week, I saw a rainbow on the front room ceiling. Didn’t know what caused it. Didn’t really want to know. It was enough that it was there. This morning it was the birds and squirrels talking to each other outside my window.

Sometimes it’s a big thing. Like the eclipse this summer. Or the snow of last winter.

I’ve been inspired by watching a small child thinking and figuring out his world. Or some world leader sharing some insightful message.

Today, I slept in so I only heard one session on the LDS General Conference, but the words spoken today have inspired me already. They are encouraging and thoughtful. And yes, I did hear things that were being spoken just to me. I’m looking forward to hear the other sessions later this weekend.

  • I’m grateful to have so many thoughts going through my head today. I’m grateful to find inspiration in so many ways. I’m grateful I have the opportunities I have to learn and grow.

Night all. LOVES


24 Sep

I just finished watching the LDS Women’s Conference on my tablet. And even though I was able to watch the whole thing, I’m going to need to read through the talks again. I can’t remember everything.

Part of it is just being distracted by children needing to eat RIGHT NOW. Or fighting over LEGOs on the front porch. Or just wanting to make the littlest/biggest go away and play somewhere else depending on who was doing the demanding at the moment.

Another distraction is that I’m sitting on my couch in my pj’s while I watch. Eating coconut cream pie and Halloween candy bars. Yes, I KNOW they aren’t good for me. I don’t need anyone to tell me that. I think it’s just difficult to be focused on something important when you are in an ordinary space.

Another part of the distraction is just trying so hard to listen and hear what I needed to hear that I wasn’t able to be still and hear what I needed to hear. Sometimes it’s the quiet whisperers that make the most impact. And the loud noises of the world drown them out.

But I know that by the end of a couple of weeks, all the conference talks will be available to be read, listened to, and rewatched. Highlighting those passages that you need extra questions about or that just strike you in a certain way and you want to remember them.

  • I’m grateful to live in the time I do so that I can have so many opportunities to see, listen, and read what the leaders of the church want us to. I’m grateful to have been given an hour of quiet before the pitter-patter of little feet intruded upon my conscience. I’m grateful that I know I’m not the only woman in the world who deals with these distractions on a daily basis and still learn great things.

Night all. LOVES

Family history

21 Aug

We talked about family history and learning about your ancestors today in church. It’s what the talks were about in Sacrament meeting and the lesson in Sunday school. Someone said it was coincidence, but I know better. There are no coincidences.

We learned about all the different ways that are available to help with your searching, but the best way is to talk to your family. Get the stories and label the pictures before the people who know aren’t here to ask anymore. Take the time to write it down and share with others so that more than one record exists. What if there’s a fire, flood or other disaster? You want the next generation to know who they are and where they come from. Teach them by starting when they are little.

I’ve been slacking in my family history work. I don’t look for things or people. And I don’t tell my children about their roots. I don’t think any of the three could name their grandparents or their great-grandparents. I doubt they would even know how to find out.

My youngest is always asking about when he was little because he doesn’t remember much from before he was put into foster care. He’s blocked it out. I don’t like talking about it because I’m ashamed of what my part in the situation is. I don’t want him to know what a rotten mom I was. I don’t want him to remember the using mom. I just want him to remember how I am now. But I suppose I need to at least write that stuff down so it’s available in the future. I know my ancestors weren’t all angels either.

I have so much more to do. I guess the best way to do it is to just start.

  • I’m grateful to have the tools and knowledge to find my ancestors and to learn about who they really were. I’m grateful that I know now what I didn’t know then. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to change.

Night all. LOVES