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When times are tough

5 Aug

The missionaries asked me today what advice I would give someone who is trying to quit smoking. And it reminded me of when I quit. What did I do? And they asked me to write something on several slips of paper to put in an inspiration jar.

The first thing that came to mind is the talk that Henry B. Erying gave called Mountains to Climb where he talks about “If we have faith in Heavenly Father, then he will help us through the hardest of times”. I wanted to get the passages right so I looked it up online. I found another talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf about almost the same thing. He says, “If you want to get to the top of the mountain, never give up. ”

Another thing that I remember when I’m struggling with a craving or a trigger is if I can get through the first 15 minutes, I can get through the craving. Because the actual physical craving is only 10-15 minutes. When I was first starting this journey, I always called someone because it got my mind off the craving for a little while. And that support person usually had a good idea or two to help me over the hump.

The last thing I thought about is how music helps me when something is bothering me. Music helps me through good things and bad. Sometimes I’ll put whatever is in my mind in either Google or the YouTube search and see what comes up. Today The Beatles “Help” came up. It fits.

It was great for me to think of those things I did when I first started this journey because those things are now in the front of my mind where I can use them. It’s wonderful how my Heavenly Father gave me the task of helping someone else but it actually helped me with what I’m struggling with.

  • I’m so grateful to know that I can help myself by helping others. I’m grateful that the missionaries stopped by. They always help even when they don’t intend to. I’m grateful that my struggles don’t seem so bad as I get ready for bed. I can hopefully sleep better because I’m not stressing about stuff.

Night all. LOVES

Learning Faith

24 Jul

This weekend is the Pioneer Day holiday in Utah and surrounding heavily Mormon populated areas. It was a huge holiday where I grew up, but I’ve heard it’s not as big there anymore.

I’ve learned recently that my ancestors on both my parent’s sides were some of those early pioneers that traveled across the country in wagons. When I think of all the hardships and trials that they experienced, I am amazed that they all continued on their journeys just on faith that it would be OK when they got to the other end of the trail. To stand on one end of the prairie and know that there is something on the other side and to hope that you and your loved ones would all survive the trip would take immense faith.

Learning about these ancestors, I take great courage in knowing that I am descended from these amazingly strong people. And as long as I learn to practice and act on faith, I WILL get to the other end of my destination. I need to just take that next step and keep going. It is inspiring to know that the book I read every day is the same book that they read to keep their faith strong as they headed out on their journey.

  • I’m grateful to have descended from amazing people. They have given me so much more than my hair and eye color. I’m grateful that I can sit here typing on my electronic device, in front of the air conditioner while I write this instead if walking across thousands of miles in the hot summer sun. I’m grateful to go to church today and partake of the Sacrament and renew my commitments and covenants to always try to be like Jesus Christ. I know that he is my Savior and that I’m a member of his restored church in these latter days.

Night all. LOVES

The Day is already over

16 Jul

Summer is an interesting time of the year. Especially weekends when you have no plans. And when you don’t feel good either.

I’ve been reading today. And playing a puzzle game on my phone. And I just looked outside and it’s dark! I didn’t even realize that it was after 9. So another day is over and I’ve not accomplished much of anything. Although all my dishes are done. A friend came over the other day and washed them all. I’ve just had to wash them as we’ve used them. It’s easier because we just keep reusing the same 2 dishes and silverware.

And I did call my home teacher and he came over with the missionaries to give me a blessing. So that two things I did today. I’ll call that a win.

  • I’m grateful to get a Priesthood Blessing today. I still have the headache, but I’m feeling at peace. I’m grateful that honey nut Cheerios are an excellent late night snack as soon as I’m done writing. I’m grateful my child was able to walk to the corner store for milk. All by himself. He’s growing up.

Night all. LOVES

Missionaries

8 Jul

Whenever I have been in a really bad place, whether physically or mentally, the missionaries show up at my door.

If I was doing something that I shouldn’t be doing, I would see them on a corner or at the store. If I was really struggling, they would knock on the door. It always made me feel good to know that they were always around.

But, I didn’t always talk to them. Sometimes I would turn and go the other way. Or not answer the door. I was never mean or rude to them, but not always welcoming and friendly.

Yesterday, I was having a terrible day! I was spinning and just making myself more and more agitated. And then there’s a knock on the door. It’s the missionaries. They just had the urge that they needed to stop by. I couldn’t let them in because I was home alone, but we talked at the doorway for a little bit and we said a prayer, then left. I had such peace afterwards.

All those times I saw the missionaries, it was my Heavenly Father calling out and reminding me that it was time to come home. But I never listened because I didn’t think I was worthy to. I had done so much that there was no way to come back from it. I realized last night that He still loves me and wants me. That’s why He kept sending me reminders.

  • I’m so grateful that I decided to finally listen to him calling. I am extremely grateful that The Atonement means I CAN come home. I’m grateful to missionaries who listen to the promptings they get. He really is in charge.

Night all. LOVES

Routes

3 Jul

At church today we talked about what kind of woman you want to be and how to get there and how everyone is different and has different issues but we can all be the same. Although that seems like two completely different concepts, I feel they are closely related.

I know that my life and my challenges are mine and mine alone. I also know that I have to act and be a certain way to get to the destination I want to end up in. But I also know that there are many who are headed the same direction as me and we can help each other along the way.

I know that I am doing different things than I used to because I decided to take a different route. I didn’t like the road I was on. Although both are bumpy in spots, the one I’m on now has people trying to help me past the bumps instead of those that used to keep throwing roadblocks in front of me and digging more holes in the road.

  • I’m grateful to have changed my route and to meet the many diverse people who are willing to help me today. I’m grateful to get a bunch of skirts today so I don’t need to wear the same dress every Sunday. I’m grateful that changing my route and destination has also helped change my attitude and outlook on life.

Night all. LOVES

Genealogy is cool!

26 Jun

First thing every morning, I check my email. Mostly to throw everything into the trash file. I think 95% of my email is junk. But every once in a while, something cool comes along.

Today? It was something about my grandpa’s grandpa! His name was Thomas Callister, and he was born in the Isle of Mann. He was a member of the first wagon train of 1847 to enter the Salt Lake valley. He brought his two wives and baby daughter with him. He went on a mission to England when he was 54, leaving his wives and children in Millard Utah for the year he was gone. My grandmother was his third wife and THEY had 12 kids. I still need to find out how many kids he had all together.

I just think it is so cool to see this information. There was even a picture. He looks like my Dad! I can’t wait to do more exploring to find out more of my ancestors lives and travels.

  • I’m grateful to see how I came to be here. I’m grateful that signed up for this site a couple of years ago when I was bored. I’m grateful that I get to start in the middle of doing all this work. It’s just never-ending!

Night all. LOVES

June 18, 2009.

19 Jun

In the spring of 2009 an interesting thing happened to me. Somebody turned me in to child welfare for using drugs. I found out when a nice lady showed up on my doorstep with cup in hand wanting me to pee in it. She said if I didn’t she had the authority to take my children with her.

Me, being the good addict I was, figured that since I had just did some, it didn’t have time to get to my bladder yet. So I said sure, what have I got to lose. Of course it came back dirty! Addicts have the worst thinking errors. She ended up taking my kids anyway.

And so my journey began. I started with outpatient treatment 3 days a week. But I continued to use on the days I didn’t have to go. And tried so many crazy ways to give a clean sample on the days I did.

The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. And I couldn’t get more than 15 days in a row. It was so hard. I couldn’t see my kids. The eldest was off doing his own thing and refusing to speak to me. The middle one was on the run from his foster homes and I didn’t know where he was. And I had to have 2 clean samples in a row to see the youngest. The people I was living with didn’t want me to be clean because then they would have to move out. So I was going to Day Treatment up to 4 days a week. And sneaking out of the house to get to meetings.

I remember for my birthday, my dealer showed up at the door with a nice package for my present. She said she missed me. Why is it when you WANT to use, you can NEVER find free dope, but when you DON’T WANT to use, everybody is giving you some?! So I sat on my couch, crying because I was 42, my life sucked, and used every single drop of Meth I had because I didn’t want to waste any by throwing it away.

When I came down, I made myself a promise. I wanted to be done! And I would do what needed to be done to get clean. I went for a walk around the block and sat on the church lawn. And prayed! And cried! And prayed some more! Some gentleman came out and sat with me and we just talked. He told me how much my Heavenly Father lived me and wanted me to come back to church. And if I would keep doing the next right thing, He would help me get it done.

I went to a meeting the next afternoon and I found a sponsor. Her sponsor told her that she needed to be my sponsor before I even asked. She was amazing. I called her every night. And we went to meetings together 3-4 times a week. She helped me with the people living with me. She encouraged me to tell them at treatment to sign me up for inpatient.

The night of June 18th, she took me to a speaker meeting where this really old guy talked about his days as a methhead. And that he got clean. And I saw myself in his story. Because I had used the night before, I was the newest one there. He gave me a signed copy of the book he wrote. I still have it. That’s the last time I used! I got a spot at an inpatient facility and went in on June 30th. I’m still clean today.

It’s NOT easy. Life still sucks. But it’s manageable most of the time. I try every day to keep my Heavenly Father first in all I do. And He helps me keep that day sacred.

As long as I remember my HP and my cleandate, everything else will work out. And that person who turned me in? I tell him I love him and thank you every day.

  • Today, I am SOOO grateful for 8 drug free years. I am grateful that a stranger told me that my Heavenly Father still loved me even after everything I had done. I am grateful that I was someone else’s ‘sponsor homework’.

Night all. LOVES