Archive | December, 2016

Delivery doesn’t do here

31 Dec

I have figured something out today about my neighborhood. Most people think it’s a dangerous place. I’ve been told many times, “My friend says I shouldn’t be there. Especially after dark!”

I haven’t been really afraid to be here very often. Yes, it was after dark. And yes, I was alone. But it’s not because of the neighborhood, it’s because I don’t see well in the dark. AND I’m afraid of the dark. I need at least a little bit of light.

I noticed it today because I’m not feeling well. I’m having a migraine headache day and I wanted to order food delivery that isn’t pizza. NOBODY will deliver to this neighborhood unless I feel like ransoming my child. Or a minimum order of $50! It’s about the same.

I wasn’t in the mood for pizza. And the last time I ordered Pizza Hut, it took them almost 6 hours to get here. With COLD pizza!

Why is it that a neighborhood within  5 miles of the city core can’t get inexpensive quality food delivery? I shouldn’t have to make a $50 minimum order and pay at least a $10 delivery charge + a tip.

  • I’m grateful one of my kids came to take care of me. I’m grateful to try pho tonight. It’s really good and I ate too much. I’m grateful the ibuprofen is starting to kick in. I finally had to do the alternating with Tylenol every 2 hours thing.

Night all. LOVES

Rollercoasters

30 Dec

Sometimes life can be challenging. You have good things happen and sometimes bad things happen. And we as humans get the privilege of being on these rollercoasters of life. I believe how you handle the wait time in the lines to the entrances is the important thing.

I don’t wait well. I don’t always like the ups and downs either but I deal with them better than the waiting in the middle. Waiting was usually when I got bored and then into trouble.

I have been waiting for a hearing with a Social Security judge for almost 2 years. I’m at the entrance of the ride waiting to turn in my tickets and I don’t want to mess this up.

While I’ve been waiting, I’ve been working on my issues. I have a few. I have issues with my mental health and my physical health. I’m diabetic and I’m an addict.

Now here’s the thing with waiting that my sick mind is thinking. IF, I quit taking my medicine, the diabetes won’t be controlled and I’ll definitely get Social Security. I have 2 months to make myself sick enough to definitely win the case, but hopefully NOT sick enough to die. Or keep going the way I am and maybe not win. I’m having the same discussion about the mental health medicines.

Now here’s the thing. Even taking everything like I’m supposed to every single day, I still have some really bad days. It’s the nature of the illnesses. Especially invisible illnesses. You can’t see when I’m having a bad day. So it’s not going to be a definite no from the judge. Even my doctors say I can’t work a 40 hour a week job. I’m not whining about the hearing. But I don’t want to self-sabotage myself either. And I really don’t want to be too sick to live. So I write about it. Get my thoughts down on paper, so to speak, so I can go back over them and see what needs to be changed and what should be next on the to do list. And hope.

  • Today I’m grateful for hope because as long as you have hope, there is a chance to continue. Today I’m grateful for faith because faith can move mountains. Today I’m grateful for wisdom to figure out what is faith and hope and I hope my faith is pointed where it should be.

Night all.  LOVES

Adult supervision

29 Dec

While out and about today, my middle child and I decided we need adult supervision because we get distracted by way too many things. We are definitely like the dog and the squirrel.

We had 2 objectives when we left the house today. We only fully accomplished 1. And that one, not well. There’s so much stuff to see and people to watch. The sad part is we might be some of the people being watched.

We stopped at Dutch Bros to buy him and his wife coffee. While there, which took over 30 minutes by the way,  we asked questions about this, that, and the other thing. I ended up with a really cool to-go cup in the deal.(that I probably don’t need!) We stopped at the grocery store, WITH A LIST, and still didn’t get everything we needed. And more stuff we didn’t really need.

I think I need to count spending money as one of my addictions. Because it makes me feel better when I do it. And I feel terrible when I’m done. That WHAT HAVE I DONE feeling. Sure, my headache I woke up with was gone while I was out, but it’s back with a vengeance. Shoot, it was back before I came home. I have lots of shoulda, woulda, coulda going on right now. I’m not sure how to change the feeling or the behavior or both, but I know something needs to change. I can’t regret everything I do or not do anything because I might regret it later. Because I have learned that doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

  •  Today, I’m grateful to be home and almost ready for bed because I still have a killer headache. I’m grateful I had what I did, but I think I should have done it differently. I’m grateful that as long as I notice the behavior, I have a chance of changing what needs to be changed. And learning to accept what doesn’t.

Night all. LOVES

It’s a good thing?

28 Dec

I’m in recovery and I live in clean and sober housing. It’s great because I know it’s usually a safe environment for myself and my children.

Occasionally we get to take UA’s (pee in a cup for those uninformed). I don’t mind anymore because I KNOW I can pass. There have been times that I couldn’t.

There was one time that I thought I would be clean because I had just did a hit of dope and it couldn’t be in my bladder yet. Or that one time I drank a jar of pickle juice because someone said it would register clean. There was the time I put eye drops in the sample so it would alter the results. I’ve heard of people who buy and sell clean samples and come up with ingenious ways of trying to beat the system.

You know why you never hear of a “smart addict”, because sooner or later, you get caught. Even if you don’t get caught doing what you’re doing right now, you WILL get caught doing something else.

I found out today that the manager wanted to UA everyone in the complex. But she didn’t have enough supplies. I told her that was okay because I could pass. She then told me that I was one of the ones she DIDN’T worry about.

I don’t know what to think about that. It’s a good thing because I know I’m not doing anything major wrong and violating my housing contract. But on the other hand, my addict voice is telling me that I CAN do something wrong because I won’t get caught because the manager doesn’t worry about me.

That voice is insidious because it never goes away. It just rests a while until you aren’t thinking about it. THEN IT STRIKES! Jumps out of the corner saying “Here I am! Let’s go get high! It will be okay this once.” I’ve learned that it’s NEVER just once. Not for me. Using is like eating a bag of potato chips. Can’t eat just one.

So I put my thoughts and feelings here because if I let them out, that addict voice doesn’t have any secrets to feed on. It LOVES secrets! The nastier and terrible, the better.

  • Today I am so very grateful to be able to pass a UA. There was a few times I couldn’t. Today I’m grateful to have venues to let those dark, nasty secrets out in to the open sp they can heal and starve that voice in my head. Today I’m grateful to do some laundry. I always think better while folding sheets and towels. I really miss clotheslines.

Night all. LOVES

Rambling thoughts

27 Dec

I’m feeling scattered today and having a hard time thinking about what to write. So you just get my rambling thoughts today.

I received my gas bill the other day. I’ve used 3 times as much gas this December than I did last December. I also used more gas for November and October. I don’t remember what the weatherdude forecast for the winter, but it’s starting out really wet and cold.

We’ve has the wettest October and November in recent history. We have had snowing twice this month and they’re talking about some more this coming week.

I don’t set my thermostat above 68℉ just because it’s recommended, but because I’m cheap. We have sweaters, blankets, sweats and socks. We can put more clothes on. But the heat has been on earlier this year than last year and it runs more often.

I’m hoping it’s running more because it’s actually colder and not because I left my A/C unit in the window this year. I covered it with plastic and put a wool blanket up over it. It doesn’t seem to be leaking cold in but I CAN hear it breathing. Maybe that’s because it’s really quiet here today. Except for the dog next door. I can hear him too.

It doesn’t really matter why the bill is higher, I still get to pay it. And hope the bank figures out my missing money issues quickly! It would be really nice to get that back.

  • Today I’m grateful for new socks for Christmas to keep my feet warm. I’m grateful for sweats and blankets to keep the rest of me warm. I’m grateful it’s almost the first and I can buy the neighbor’s dog some treats. Maybe he’ll be happier and quieter.

Night all.LOVES

 

What you asked for

26 Dec

I was looking forward to today. All my children were heading off to their other families and I was getting the house to myself. I could eat what I wanted when I wanted and do what I wanted when I wanted. Which is exactly what I got.

So why am I so unhappy right now? I think it’s because no matter how much our children annoy us, we miss them when they aren’t here.

I called my dad today to tell him Merry Christmas and thought about my children calling me. One called me this morning. But just because he couldn’t reach the other to get something out of his car that he forgot. One called to wake me up this morning at barely daylight just so he could tell me Merry Christmas first. The other texted me that he would give the youngest one the forgotten item later. So I did hear from my children today but it wasn’t the same.

I wonder if MY parents feel like I am feeling while waiting for my sisters and I to call them? I hope I call them often enough that they don’t feel forgotten.

So I DID get what I wanted for Christmas this year, but I’ve realized it isn’t what I had hoped it would be. I’m going to go find a snack and read a book.

  • Today I’m grateful for the birth of Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me. I’m grateful to get to church this morning. I’m grateful I really like eating cereal. It makes a wonderful snack.

Night all. LOVES

Christmas aftermath

25 Dec

All the stress and chaos leading up to Christmas has only one conclusion in my children’s opinions. Presents! And it’s over in about 10 minutes if you have a normal kid, 20 if you have more than one.

We opened our presents early because we have family going every which way. The joys of single parenting and grown children. It took 20 minutes for 6 kids to open their presents one evening and be ready to play video games. And to try to put babies down for naps(didn’t work). It took my youngest and I about 10 minutes on the next evening to decimate his pile and part of mine because I was going to slow!

Then a few hours to try on clothes, then play with the toys. Then get angry and throw a building toy across the room because he was frustrated with it. It’s still in a big box in the corner. And I’ve already heard the “What I want from Santa next year” statement, and the “Is THAT all?” question.

I don’t know about anyone else but having a dirty kitchen from a holiday dinner, various toy parts and pieces everywhere, and all the children headed off to their other family’s homes while leaving me to clean up alone is just what I wanted for Christmas! After I told my children that what I wanted for MY present is a nap and to wake up to a clean house and all the new stuff put away. Why, yes, I did get that dumbfounded look.

But even with all the negative stuff that comes to mind, I’m so very grateful for it all. There are those who are alone, living outside, eating from dumpsters, and just having a really bad day. I’m sending my thoughts and prayers to those people.

  • I’m grateful that my children are off to their other families. I get an uninterrupted nap. I’m grateful for the stuff everywhere because I have an everywhere to put it and it gives me something to do this week while I’m home alone and not having an uninterrupted nap. I’m grateful for a week alone because I know that my children are safe and warm with people who love and care for them at least as much as I do. And I get an uninterrupted nap.

Night all. LOVES