Archive | May, 2018

Lilacs

31 May

My grandmother had a fence line of lilacs at her house that I always loved to play under. I didn’t even mind the bees too much because they were only around during the afternoon when it got too hot to be outside anyway. As I’ve gotten older, the smell of lilacs always remind me of home, my grandmother and my mother.

One of the only things about living in Portland that I don’t like is there aren’t too many lilacs around. They don’t seem to grow well in this climate. Or so I’ve been told. It’s too wet most of the year. The few I have seen are inside people’s yards and I don’t want to steal cuttings out of their yards. I’ve asked a few times, but I usually get strange looks and a no.

I tried to grow a lilac in a big container outside my back door, but it rained for 2 weeks straight right after I planted it and the plant drowned. Now I have onions and celery that used to hang out in my pantry but sprouted. They are growing pretty well. It’s drier this year.

  • I’m grateful for memories of home. They make the day brighter. I’m grateful my onions and celery seem to be thriving. I should get some interesting blooms from them. I’m grateful someone sent me pictures of lilacs today. It made me smile.

Night all. LOVES

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Expectations

30 May

I borrowed a book from the library with the intent to buy it if I liked it. It’s an award winning self help book about dealing with addictions. I figured since the author has over 15 years clean, he probably knows what he’s talking about. Except I can’t read it. Its full of f-bombs, cuss words and all around bad language. I can’t get the message because it’s buried in the mess. I had such high expectations.

I loaned something to someone. They said they would get it back to me as soon as they could. Its been several months and I still haven’t gotten it back. I had expectations.

I asked my son to clean his room this weekend. I have a housing inspection coming up this month and it needs to be done. I told him if he didn’t do it, I would have someone else come do it. He doesn’t like strangers in his room. He didn’t get it done but then, I didn’t have any expectations.

One of the things I heard in early recovery was a saying, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” This is so true. I have resentments towards the book and the person who seems to have forgotten the debt. I also have a resentment towards my son even though I really didn’t have high expectations for him to get his room done. It sounds like I have some step work to do.

  • I’m grateful for recovery. It give me a basis to live my life. I’m grateful payday is in 2 days. I’m grateful I just borrowed the book from the library first instead of purchasing it. Then I really would have had resentments.

Night all. LOVES

Just under the wire

29 May

I looked at the clock and realized I forgot to write tonight. And that I had about 10 minutes until midnight. I don’t think I’ll turn into a pumpkin, but I don’t not write every day very often. So here’s a short and sweet version.

  • I’m grateful to live in the United States of America. I’m grateful to all the veterans who fought for my right to be free. I’m especially grateful to those that didn’t get to come home. And an extra for being late. I’m grateful to all the families of veterans who support them while they are doing their jobs.

Night all. LOVES

Be strong and of good courage

28 May

This was the name of our Sunday School lesson today. I think it comes at a really good time in my life. I have been struggling with some things. Especially wanting things when I want it. NOW! But I have been practicing patience and letting things happen as they happen. I need to let my Heavenly Father run the show and things will happen when he wants them to happen.

This follows along with the first 3 steps. I am powerless over this and my life is unmanageable. There is a Higher Power that can help if I’ll let him. Decide to let him help as he sees fit. And just remember to breathe!

  • I’m grateful to get to hear some great stuff this morning. I’m trying to let go. I’m grateful to all the people who are in my corner and are cheering me on. I’m grateful for today because that’s all I’ve got at the moment.

Night all. LOVES

Shouldn’t have done that

27 May

They say hindsight is 20/20. And it’s certainly true. I have done several things this week that I probably shouldn’t have. Most people usually do. Nobody can be perfectly behaved all the time.

But I think the goal should be to know not to do something BEFORE rather than after it’s already done and you have regrets. That’s MY goal anyway. And to be willing to accept the consequences of my actions.

Some days it takes my a bit to realize I shouldn’t have done that because the consequences take a while to show up. Other times, they are almost instantaneous. I haven’t decided which way I like better. Although I suppose I don’t like either very much.

But I just keep trying to do the things that I feel I should. I try to live with integrity these days. Integrity- Living like everyone is watching you even, if they aren’t.

  • I’m grateful to have changed an activity when I realized I shouldn’t have been doing that. I’m grateful for the consequences so that I will learn a different way. I’m grateful for the strength and knowledge I have now.

Night all. LOVES

Hitting a wall?

25 May

Today I’m just not feeling it. I have been so busy all week. Something to do every single day. Even Wednesday when I didn’t leave the house I still did laundry.

Then this morning when I woke up, it just wasn’t going to happen. I’ve been sore and tired all day. I woke up enough to take my shot at lunchtime and been fighting a nap since. I had to reschedule my appointment today. Which I suppose is a good thing? There was some trouble at the university downtown where I switch buses, right at the time I should have been there. Very scary to think about.

  • I’m very grateful for Friday. A long weekend is ahead. I’m grateful my child likes ramen because I think that’s what he is getting for dinner. I’m having a protein shake. I’m grateful that its cool today. I can still get my walk in without getting too hot.

Night all. LOVES

Water aerobics, part 2

24 May

Today was my second class and I was much better prepared. I’m still tired after, but I’m not as exhausted. Its more of a ‘happy I did a good job’ tired and less of a ‘what in the heck have I done’ tired.

I talked to the physical therapist before the class and she feels I was a bit too gung-ho last week. She wanted me to take it down a notch this week and see how I do over the weekend. Maybe I won’t be as sore as last week. She also told me not to do my 10 minute walk this afternoon because she feels it would be too much in one day. I’ll do it in the morning before it gets warm.

  • I’m grateful I went today. I thought about ditching this week. I’m grateful to run into people I know on the buses today. Friendly faces are always good. I’m grateful my exercise day is over. It’s nice to sit here reading and relaxing.

Night all. LOVES