Archive | March, 2017

March 30, 2017

31 Mar

I couldn’t decide what to write today. Should I write about the sticky glue stuff I’m still pulling out of my hair from the sleep study? The technician said to use the hottest water and lots of shampoo to remove it. The side of the dye bottle says wash with cool water and minimal shampoo. So my hair is fading and I’m still combing out glue. Can’t win.

Or should I talk about how much Facebook trolls just aggravate me. I know they’re just trying to get a reaction. They are winning because I’m reacting. I try to ignore them, but sometimes I just get snarky right back. Then it becomes a vicious circle. Round and round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel.

I also thought about writing about libraries and books. And how I don’t have enough money to fund either. And I wish I did. I want to live in an old library! (HEY kids! Remember this! An urn on a library shelf!) Why is it that libraries are being closed because of a lack of funding? And bookstores are closing because nobody buys real books anymore. Maybe real books shouldn’t be so expensive. Maybe people would buy more? On the subject of books. Do you ever hear the character’s voices in your head as you read? I totally read a news article tonight  about Arnold Schwarzenegger in his Terminator voice.

I suppose all the things I was thinking about for my blog tonight was a cover-up for what is really going on today. Three years ago today, my mom started a new journey in her circle of life. You notice I have a really hard time saying she died? I don’t like to say my daughter died either. Really don’t like the word “died”. It is just such a final dismal sounding word. And I’m not ready to accept that yet. I KNOW they are gone. And they aren’t just on vacation and will be back soon. But it doesn’t mean I don’t wish it was different. Like in Men in Black, when they say Elvis just went home to his planet. That was my favorite part of the movie.

I still remember that day. I remember that all my friends came by to check on me. And took me to meetings. And didn’t leave me alone. And I didn’t use. I’ll be honest, I thought about it. But I didn’t. Thought about it again this year. But I didn’t. I’m not going to honor anyone by using to forget that they ain’t here anymore. It doesn’t work that way.

So I’m spending the day today thinking about everything else. And nothing at all. And about how much I miss my mom and wish that I could call her and tell her about my day. Tell her about my kids and what they are doing well at. And what they aren’t.

Maybe next year I’ll be able to say that cold, final sounding word in the same sentence as my mom. But I can’t this year. And I don’t really have to. Even though it’s in my thoughts, I don’t have to say it yet.

  • I’m grateful to be still clean and sober today. I’m grateful I figured out how to watch April the giraffe. And how much I’m hoping she kicks the next guy that reaches between her legs to get a picture! Now THAT would be a good day. I’m grateful I can think about my mom dying even when I can’t always say it out loud. At least this year, I was able to write it.

Night all. LOVES

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Sleep study adventure

30 Mar

I thought a sleep study was where someone studied how you slept to help determine how you can sleep better. Well my experience is there is no way they can figure out how I sleep because I didn’t do much sleeping!

I got to the hotel at 8 pm but because I don’t usually go to sleep until later, I got to read until 9:30. Yes, I WAS in a hotel room with cable and HBO and I didn’t even turn the TV on! At 9:30, my technician started to wire me up. I lost count at 20. Plus the oxygen monitor and the things up my nose to make sure I was breathing. The most uncomfortable situation I’ve ever been in! And I got caught by my husband’s family getting it on while sleeping on his mother’s front room floor! That was pretty uncomfortable. Last night with all those wires was way worse!

So I finally got in bed around 10:30. It took a really long time to set up all those wires! I had to sleep on the wrong side of the bed because that’s where the other end of those wires hooked to. I KNOW you have a right side and a wrong side to your bed.

I’m supposed to try to sleep in my back. I do not sleep on my back. It’s hard to breathe and I always feel like I’m practicing for my coffin. I do get to turn my playlist on my phone on. My playlist for sleeping is about 20 songs long that on any normal night, I never hear the last few songs because I’m asleep before then. Not last night! I just laid there. Not sleeping! Just thinking. Trying not to knock anything off because he would have to come in and wake me up to put it back on.

After the last song finished, I finally just rolled over and tried to get SOME sleep. But nope, not gonna happen. Because THEN, I needed to pee! And to go to the bathroom required unhooking all those wires from the wall and carrying the ones dangling off me like a leash! Because they can’t get wet. I would have to come back on a different night and do this crap again! So I sit there as long as possible hoping the urge will just go away! But it just wasn’t my night. Another 20 minutes unhooking and rehooking up all those wires. And I’m going to try again to get some sleep. It’s about 1 am! I’m tired! I just want to go to sleep but it seems to be a night for insomnia to visit. And I can’t get up and do something to take my mind off of it.

I think I finally fell asleep around 2:30 or so. I know the playlist went all the way through AGAIN! My last thought was “COOL! I might get 4 hours sleep!”

NOPE! Someone knocked some wires loose in the middle of the night! So I get to wake up with some stranger leaning over me with a bright light attached to his forehead! Talk about triggering all your tweaker nightmares!

At 6 am, he wakes me up again and says, “We’re done here. Let’s get you unwired. We need to be out of the room by 7!” ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME! I don’t even get to sleep in a little after being up all night!

After he’s done and I get my shower to wash all the goop off of me, I’m finally ready to leave. I’m going home to take a nap!

  • I’m grateful I was able to do the sleep study. Hopefully it gives them enough data because I’m NOT doing another one! I’m grateful the hotel offers free breakfast. It makes up for NOT having access to the pool and sauna. I think both of those would help people sleep better. I know I’m always tired after swimming. I’m grateful my child was up before the sunshine to drive me home. I really wasn’t looking forward to a bus ride home in the rain after I miserable night’s sleep. I’m going back to bed now.

Night all. LOVES

Where I sit

29 Mar

I’m sitting here in the downtown library writing tonight because it didn’t take as long as the Trimet app said it would to get across town for my appointment tonight. I don’t mind the library. I want to live in a library!

But it seems to be the only place where someone can sit and kill some time without being asked continually for my spare change. I don’t have any. Or I have to buy something. See above. I’m broke. Or freezing my fingers off or getting wet. I actually had someone at one place tell me they would rather not do business with the homeless population. I’m not homeless. I just need a half hour to sit somewhere.

No wonder so many feel disenfranchised by society. If I feel like I’m not wanted somewhere when I DO have somewhere to go, I can imagine how someone feels when they don’t.

I’m not perfect. I ignore people all the time. I even go so far as to tell people to go away. But I don’t do it because of how much money they have or what they look like. I do it because I’m peopled out. I’ve had enough peopling for the day. I usually reach that point by noon. Being out after 7pm is really stretching my easygoing peopling abilities. But I’ll keep trying.

  • I’m grateful to have somewhere to go. I’m grateful I remembered the library was open. I’m grateful to see how others are treated and work on not being like that myself.

Night all. LOVES

Hungry or not?

28 Mar

Have you ever been hungry for something, but you didn’t know what you wanted? So you eat some peanut butter toast. And while it was delicious, it wasn’t what you wanted. So you’re still hungry. So you have a bowl of stir-fry. Same deal. Still hungry. So you try something else. And your stomach is getting full, but it ain’t what you’re craving, so you’re still hungry.

My ex tells a story about one of his nephews visiting grandma overnight. The next morning, she fixed him some sausage and eggs. He ate it all but he was still hungry. So she makes him some pancakes. He’s still hungry. He has a couple bowls of cereal, but he’s still hungry. So she asks him what he wants. He wants oatmeal. She fixes him a bowl of oatmeal and he’s off to play. I guess I haven’t found my oatmeal yet.

I have an interesting relationship with food. Yes, it IS a relationship. We have our good days and our not so good days. Sometimes, I want to be all up in foods living arms all day long. Just hugging and cuddling all day. And then there are days where it’s “Go away and give me some peace!” The really sad part is it doesn’t matter if it’s a cuddly day, a leave me alone day, or something in between, I always HAVE to eat. Whether I want to or not. The medicine I’m taking requires me to eat when I take it. And if I don’t take it, serious consequences can happen. Like ending up in the hospital. I can’t get away from it.

Like today when I’m craving something, but I don’t know what it is. I can’t keep eating until I figure it out. That’s just as bad as not eating anything. And it isn’t like normal addictions where you just quit using whatever you are addicted to. Food isn’t like that. I’m done eating for the day. I’ll try to figure out what I’m craving tomorrow. Or the craving will hopefully go away. For now it’s time to brush my teeth and go up to bed.

  • I’m grateful to realize there is something I need even if I’m not sure what it is. I’m grateful to know that sooner or later, that need will be met. One way or another. I’m grateful for this outlet of my thoughts because it helps me figure stuff out when I write it down.

Night all. LOVES

A quiet day

27 Mar

When I woke up this morning, I had a nasty headache. I really dislike waking up with a headache that I had when I went to sleep. Especially when there are many causes and nothing seems to relieve it. I’m taking Tylenol alternating with ibuprofen. Just barely relieving the pain.

I think I might be losing another tooth. It’s been hurting for a couple of days. I know that is one reason for my headache. I started a new medication this weekend and that might be giving me a headache as a side effect. I’ll call the doctor tomorrow and ask. I’m also dealing with lots of family drama that causes stress which usually gives me a headache. These are just some of the reasons I might have a headache.

So I’ve been hanging out in my darkened room all day listening to YouTube. I’ll start playing something and turn the phone over so I’m not watching it. Learning lots about the English monarchy. The light from the phone seems to aggravate my headache. My child is at his father’s for the week so my day has been very quiet and unstressful. Maybe THAT part of my headache will go away.

  • I’m grateful for orajel to numb the tooth pain for a while. I’m grateful for Tylenol and ibuprofen for their anti-inflammatory and pain relieving abilities. I’m grateful for YouTube to occupy my mind so it doesn’t wander and stress.

Night all. LOVES

Whatchagot fail? Part 2

26 Mar

The other day, I wrote about making a crock pot of chicken vegetable soup. And how much I wasn’t impressed with it. I felt it lacked something but I couldn’t figure out what it was.

I think because I used boneless, skinless chicken breasts it didn’t get enough flavor of chicken. There was no bones or skins to give substance to the soup. And I used water instead of stock or bouillon because  I didn’t have any. And it really needed it. Lesson learned. I need to buy some bouillon next month.

So I decided to redo my stew. I made a chicken and dumplings pie. I took the idea from the biscuit bake I made a week or so ago. I made a batch of biscuits, mixed the dough with the stew and put it all in a greased pan and baked it for about an hour. I checked at 30 minutes, but it was still raw in the middle. Let me say that with some pepper, garlic powder,  and some sriracha, it was pretty delicious. I’m happy with it!

The only problem I have now is that my kids didn’t come to visit like they said they were. So I have leftovers! Guess I know what I’m eating tomorrow! For breakfast, lunch, AND dinner! Yeah me!

  • I’m grateful today to know that if I keep trying, I will accomplish something good. I’m grateful to be in my pj’s, eating a big bowl of warm comfort food, while watching the LDS Women’s Conference this evening. That’s my idea of Heaven! I’m grateful that I have food to whine about not liking. There are many who will die from hunger tonight.

Night all. LOVES

Mental illness sucks

25 Mar

I went to see my psychiatrist today. What started as a general check-in became a session on learning how my past is affecting my present. My PTSD and past trauma is shaking itself and letting me know he is awake and still there, waiting to torment me some more. She thinks that is what’s going on with my nightmares, disturbing thoughts, and general agitation.

She has prescribed a new medication. We’re hoping it helps to calm the nightmares and in turn, will help me get some sleep. That should help me deal with the rest of my day better.

I also have my rescheduled sleep study evaluation on Monday. It’s to decide if I need an actual sleep study overnight.

Maybe all this will help me sleep better. It might even help the insomnia.

  • Today I’m grateful to have the medical insurance to see a mental health professional who has my best interests in mind. Today I’m grateful my child made it to his father’s house for Spring Break. I’m grateful to have this time for some self care.

Night all. LOVES