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Fake it til you make it

17 Aug

One of the things I learned in early recovery is to act as if. If you want to be clean, act clean. If you are struggling, just keep doing the things that will get you through.

I’ve been struggling lately. It’s really obvious when I go back and reread my blogs for the last couple of months. I can tell in my writing that I’m not doing well. I’m just putting words on a page to fill space. That wasn’t what I wanted when I started this. I wanted to use this as a daily journal and as a place to write down my gratitude. I’m unhappy with what I’m doing right now. I’m still writing my gratitude list, but I’m having a really hard time finding something to be grateful for.

Actually, I’m struggling to find something new that I’m grateful for. Because I started a blog, I need to make it fresh and alive every day or I feel that I’m a failure. And some days I’m just not feeling fresh and alive. Some days I’m barely climbing out of bed. And if I am getting out of bed, I’m not doing anything else. Not showering, or getting dressed. Definitely not eating right. And I can see myself not doing this stuff, but not having the energy or the inclination to do anything about it.

So I suppose it’s time to make me a list and just do those things until I want to do them again.

So I’ll get up and get dressed every day. I’ll try to eat one healthy thing every day. I’ll try to get outside every day. That’s three things that I can work on.

  • I’m grateful that I’m noticing that I need to do something different. Now to work on doing it. I’m grateful to my housing mentor for giving me new goals to work on instead of just letting me slide. I’m grateful I want to change. Because there are definitely times when I could care less about what I’m doing.

Night all. LOVES

National Night Out

11 Aug

Tonight was my neighborhood’s National Night Out celebration. I was asked to man a table for Homeforward’s Residents Advisory Committee. It’s time to recruit new people for the next couple of years.

I shared a table with Portland State University. Met some nice people. I gave out a couple of applications. Had hamburgers and hot dogs, chips, and Popsicles. They had bingo all night.

I’m glad I got out of my comfort zone and went. But I’m really glad to be home getting my anxiety under control. And some Tylenol because several hours sitting on a folding chair is not really a great time anymore.

Now to spend some time with some visiting friends for the rest of the evening. Maybe figure out how I can schedule everything so I can go to Siletz with them for the weekend?

  • I’m grateful I was able to volunteer and gave a good time meeting new people this evening. I’m grateful to have a fridge full of sparkly water. I’m grateful to get some sleep tonight. I hope.

Night all. LOVES

When times are tough

5 Aug

The missionaries asked me today what advice I would give someone who is trying to quit smoking. And it reminded me of when I quit. What did I do? And they asked me to write something on several slips of paper to put in an inspiration jar.

The first thing that came to mind is the talk that Henry B. Erying gave called Mountains to Climb where he talks about “If we have faith in Heavenly Father, then he will help us through the hardest of times”. I wanted to get the passages right so I looked it up online. I found another talk by Dieter F. Uchtdorf about almost the same thing. He says, “If you want to get to the top of the mountain, never give up. ”

Another thing that I remember when I’m struggling with a craving or a trigger is if I can get through the first 15 minutes, I can get through the craving. Because the actual physical craving is only 10-15 minutes. When I was first starting this journey, I always called someone because it got my mind off the craving for a little while. And that support person usually had a good idea or two to help me over the hump.

The last thing I thought about is how music helps me when something is bothering me. Music helps me through good things and bad. Sometimes I’ll put whatever is in my mind in either Google or the YouTube search and see what comes up. Today The Beatles “Help” came up. It fits.

It was great for me to think of those things I did when I first started this journey because those things are now in the front of my mind where I can use them. It’s wonderful how my Heavenly Father gave me the task of helping someone else but it actually helped me with what I’m struggling with.

  • I’m so grateful to know that I can help myself by helping others. I’m grateful that the missionaries stopped by. They always help even when they don’t intend to. I’m grateful that my struggles don’t seem so bad as I get ready for bed. I can hopefully sleep better because I’m not stressing about stuff.

Night all. LOVES

It’s not my business

29 Jul

Yesterday, I was rambling about how I didn’t know if anything I did mattered to anyone. Today I realized that it doesn’t really matter if anyone is interested in what I’m doing as long as I’m interested.

I realized that if I matter to me, then others will notice. But if they don’t, it’s their loss, not mine. One of the first things I learned in recovery is what someone thinks of me is none of my business. I had conveniently forgotten.

It’s also a different day. My housing inspection was this morning. And my house wasn’t perfect. But I had reached a point where I was “done” worrying about it. Let it happen how it was going to happen. I had even prayed about it. Asking Heavenly Father to help me pass my inspection. And I let it go. The inspection was postponed until next month. I was annoyed at first because that means I’ll have that much longer to worry and stress. But I realized tonight that I don’t have to stress about it. I just have to do what I can do to the best of my abilities and it will work out for the best. So now I have an extra 10 days to find a broom, a vacuum, and get rid of all these boxes of crap that line the walls. It all comes back to I need to quit stressing about what others think of me. And just be me.

  • I’m grateful that the inspection was postponed. Even if I wasn’t at first. I’m grateful I was giggling and laughing about stupid stuff this afternoon. I hadn’t heard that in a while. I’m grateful that I was able to stay still ling enough to finish a book I’ve been working on for over a week. I NEVER take that long on ONE book.

Night all. LOVES

Dangerous cravings

26 Jul

Ever craved something so much, that you would do almost anything to get it? All the time? And the something you crave is to just make you feel different than you do right now? Even when you know it isn’t good for you? That’s what I feel like as an addict. It doesn’t matter if it’s drugs, alcohol, or anything else. I just don’t want to feel what I’m feeling right now. It doesn’t even need to be good or bad feelings. Just uncomfortable. Yes, you can feel uncomfortable with good feelings.

I am having those cravings today. Not necessarily for illegal drugs or alcohol. Although some pain medication would be welcome. Just something to feel different.

I’ve been craving carbs lately. I might kill for a loaf of French bread and a tub of butter. Or some old-fashioned macaroni and cheese. The kind that leaves strings all over the place. Or ice cream and cookies. Don’t even care what flavors.

Part of the thinking is it will make my blood sugar skyrocket. And I’ll fall asleep. Or just feel yucky. But I will feel different than I do right now. And I’m not even feeling that bad. Mostly just stressed about this housing inspection this week. I’m not sure I’m going to get everything ready in time.

Maybe I AM craving some Meth? Did you know Meth makes you not feel pain? And you get stuff done because you have so much energy? At least in the first few minutes anyway.

Thinking I need to hit a meeting tomorrow after the doctor. And read some 12-step literature tonight. Maybe put padlocks on the cupboards. AND definitely call someone.

  • I’m grateful to have the tools to cope with my cravings. Relapse prevention 101 at work. I’m grateful that I recognize the addict in me trying to sneak out and be heard. I’m grateful to be willing to talk about what’s going on. And to keep talking.

Night all. LOVES

Flynn is one!

20 Jul

My youngest grandson, Flynn Jaymes is one year old today. We just got home from a birthday party at the park.

It’s hard to believe that a year ago I was woken up at o’dark thirty by my middle child telling me he had a son. It took me a minute to realize he meant ANOTHER son. His wife didn’t know she was pregnant.

Through all the rough stuff of having 2 babies so close together, my daughter-in-law is an amazing mommy.

It’s so awesome to be in a spot in my recovery to be able to see my family grow.

  • I’m very grateful that Flynn is a healthy, happy baby. I’m grateful to have a wonderful afternoon at the park. I’m grateful to sit here eating party leftovers watching kids play.

Night all. LOVES

Life changes

13 Jul

Had a few notices today that showed me how lives can change in an instant. And they all have an effect on me. Some good some not so good.

A dear friend passed this morning. I found out while sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Not really wanting to explain to strangers why I’m crying.

Another friend had a life change and I couldn’t be happier. I also found out about it while sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Talk about the highs and lows of emotions at the same time!

It just brings it home that no matter how much we want things to stay the same, they aren’t going to. Life changes. It isn’t always pretty either. It can get messy and dirty. But sometimes it’s wonderful. My goal is to weather the storm without really throwing myself into a tailspin. It also means that you really need to say “I love you” to those you care about EVERY SINGLE TIME! They might not be there next time.

  • I’m grateful to have someone I can call at any time when I’m feeling  stressed. I’m grateful to spend my afternoon with my favorite 15 year old. It was a good adventure. I’m grateful that I also have all of you to share my thoughts with. I enjoy your feedback.

Night all. LOVES