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My Best Friend

24 Jun

My best friend moved today. She was the first person to welcome me into my new home. The very first home that was mine since I got clean. Before I had lived in treatment and halfway houses. Man, I was scared. I was so afraid I would mess up now that I was on my own. But she just said welcome, now you’re home. And you CAN do this. She’s been there through thick and thin. Dating, breaking up, being lonely and deciding I’m okay the way I am. She listened to my late night calls when I had bad dreams. She was there for me when I lost my Mom and I was there for her when she lost hers.  I took pictures of her butt so she would know the pants didn’t make her look fat. OK, I’m not certain THAT was the reason, but it’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Friends do that for each other. She was there to gossip with and commiserate with when someone pissed us off. She was the go to person for my son if I wasn’t home. She was my responsible adult on school forms and I was hers.

I remember one time when my kids were off to their other families for a holiday and instead of letting me sit home feeling sorry for myself, she brought me to her house and fed me her Mom’s hot turkey sandwiches while we watched some movies.

I helped her pack her moving truck today and then I left because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I’m going to miss her. She won’t be there to let me in when I really need to vent, cry, or just be ridiculously happy and silly.

Good luck in your new adventures. May the Creator keep you well and happy. I’ll be sending up sage smoke for you tonight.

  • I’m so grateful that you were there the first day I got here and every day since. I’m grateful that I was able to learn to be strong in my recovery from you. I’m grateful that I’ve decided I can let you go on your next adventure without me. I guess that means I’m growing up.

Night all. LOVES

June 18, 2009.

19 Jun

In the spring of 2009 an interesting thing happened to me. Somebody turned me in to child welfare for using drugs. I found out when a nice lady showed up on my doorstep with cup in hand wanting me to pee in it. She said if I didn’t she had the authority to take my children with her.

Me, being the good addict I was, figured that since I had just did some, it didn’t have time to get to my bladder yet. So I said sure, what have I got to lose. Of course it came back dirty! Addicts have the worst thinking errors. She ended up taking my kids anyway.

And so my journey began. I started with outpatient treatment 3 days a week. But I continued to use on the days I didn’t have to go. And tried so many crazy ways to give a clean sample on the days I did.

The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. And I couldn’t get more than 15 days in a row. It was so hard. I couldn’t see my kids. The eldest was off doing his own thing and refusing to speak to me. The middle one was on the run from his foster homes and I didn’t know where he was. And I had to have 2 clean samples in a row to see the youngest. The people I was living with didn’t want me to be clean because then they would have to move out. So I was going to Day Treatment up to 4 days a week. And sneaking out of the house to get to meetings.

I remember for my birthday, my dealer showed up at the door with a nice package for my present. She said she missed me. Why is it when you WANT to use, you can NEVER find free dope, but when you DON’T WANT to use, everybody is giving you some?! So I sat on my couch, crying because I was 42, my life sucked, and used every single drop of Meth I had because I didn’t want to waste any by throwing it away.

When I came down, I made myself a promise. I wanted to be done! And I would do what needed to be done to get clean. I went for a walk around the block and sat on the church lawn. And prayed! And cried! And prayed some more! Some gentleman came out and sat with me and we just talked. He told me how much my Heavenly Father lived me and wanted me to come back to church. And if I would keep doing the next right thing, He would help me get it done.

I went to a meeting the next afternoon and I found a sponsor. Her sponsor told her that she needed to be my sponsor before I even asked. She was amazing. I called her every night. And we went to meetings together 3-4 times a week. She helped me with the people living with me. She encouraged me to tell them at treatment to sign me up for inpatient.

The night of June 18th, she took me to a speaker meeting where this really old guy talked about his days as a methhead. And that he got clean. And I saw myself in his story. Because I had used the night before, I was the newest one there. He gave me a signed copy of the book he wrote. I still have it. That’s the last time I used! I got a spot at an inpatient facility and went in on June 30th. I’m still clean today.

It’s NOT easy. Life still sucks. But it’s manageable most of the time. I try every day to keep my Heavenly Father first in all I do. And He helps me keep that day sacred.

As long as I remember my HP and my cleandate, everything else will work out. And that person who turned me in? I tell him I love him and thank you every day.

  • Today, I am SOOO grateful for 8 drug free years. I am grateful that a stranger told me that my Heavenly Father still loved me even after everything I had done. I am grateful that I was someone else’s ‘sponsor homework’.

Night all. LOVES

 

Addictions suck

11 Jun

I read a newspaper story today about a man who did something so shameful, the community wanted to string him up from the nearest tree. But that wasn’t the point if the article. The point was to talk about who the man was before. Before he sunk so low in his addiction that he stole a dying man’s belongings and walked off.

I am an addict! And but for the grace of God, the go I. It started innocently enough. Hanging out with friends and enjoying the weekend. Then liking the feeling that the alcohol brought. So drinking more often, leading to every day. All day!

Then one day, Meth came into the picture. And the real journey began. The using, and trying not to use anymore. But failing. And every time the failure lead to self-loathing, guilt and shame. So it became easier to use because it made the pain go away for a while. Until you woke up several days later, feeling worse than when you started. Continuing the cycle, again and again and again! Never seeing a way out as you dug deeper and deeper into the hole of despair.

But one day, a defining moment. Something happened that smacked you upside your head and gave you that moment of clarity to realize if you continued on this path of destruction, the only place to stop was death.

So became the beginning of a long, unending journey to recovery. Staying sober, growing and changing. Becoming the person you always knew was there but the drugs and alcohol had from yourself and the world. Knowing that one small stumble. That tiny pebble that causes you to step wrong, could cause you to fall down into that canyon you have struggled so hard to climb out of.

I hope that this is that man’s smack upside his head. I hope to see him in the rooms of recovery soon. I, for one, will be there to offer him a handshake and hug of welcome.

  • Today I’m grateful for that smack. It changed so much. I’m grateful to be a butterfly. Someone who went through a difficult change and came out beautiful. I’m grateful to the rooms of recovery for the miracles they bring about every minute of every day. One moment at a time.

Night all. LOVES

Don’ts of parenthood

11 Jun

I thought I would tell you some of the things I don’t get about being a parent.

I don’t get to go to a recovery event tonight because it wouldn’t be a good place for my son. Too many strangers in too small of s space.

I don’t get a pedicure this month because one of my kids needs help with his phone bill.

I don’t get spaghetti very often because one of my kids doesn’t do tomatoes. And all the others live elsewhere now. Spaghetti for one isn’t very fun.

I don’t get to sleep in because my child needs to get up early for school.

I know this sounds like complaints but I was reminded today that there was a time in my life when I didn’t have these problems. And there will be a time in my future where I won’t have these problems.

  • I’m so grateful to have my children in my life. Even with all the don’t they bring with them. I’m grateful for all the good things they bring me. Hugs, kisses, and love are a few. I’m grateful to see a snapshot of what my life could have been like if I hadn’t gotten clean.

Night all. LOVES

 

Gratitude

27 May

All I have in me today is my gratitude. I’m so angry and depressed that I can’t seem to get anything accomplished. I know I’m in a deep hole when I notice I’m yelling at my kid more often than not. It’s really bad when he has to remind me that every time I’ve talked to him in the last couple days has been with a raised voice.

So I’m putting myself in timeout. Some music, a book, and removing me from the situation is in order.

  • Today I’m grateful to realize that I need a timeout so I’ll quit coming out sideways. I’m grateful today to have a really cool playlist on YouTube Red. I’m grateful it’s the start of a long weekend so I have some time to change my mindset.

Night all. LOVES

I am a hoarder

18 May

The title for today says it all. I know I’m a hoarder. And I’m passing it on to my children. My son’s room is full of stuff. You get through by walking on paths. My room is close.

Why is it so hard to throw things away? It gives me a stomach ache just thinking about it right now. I get an anxiety attack when I carry the garbage bags up the stairs. When I throw things away, I have to do it the night before the garbage guys come and lock myself in the house so I’m not tempted to go “rescue” something I might need in the future.

I have started over so many times in my life that I’m contemplating just throwing EVERYTHING away and starting over because then I get over the emotional baggage all at once instead of dragging it out. I’m good at starting over. I’m not good at getting rid of stuff I don’t need. Maybe I’m good at starting over because then I don’t have to throw anything away. I need to keep everything because I have nothing.

I need help! And I don’t know how to start. I’m not sure what to bet out of this to be grateful for but here goes.

  • I’m grateful the maintenance guy put new blinds in even though I didn’t ask for them. I’m grateful to realize that’s need help. I’m grateful I’m strong enough to ask for help.

Night all. LOVES

Binge watching Netflix

9 May

I know everyone has binge watched a show at least once since Netflix, Hulu and YouTube became commonplace. You pick a show and you just have to watch every episode as quickly as possible.

My first was Breaking Bad so I could be caught up before the finale. I just knew that if I didn’t, someone would throw a spoiler out into the universe. My latest is NCIS. I’m halfway through season 6.

The thing is, I can’t put it down. I carry the phone everywhere. Into the kitchen when I’m doing dishes or cooking dinner. Upstairs to bed for an episode or two before I fall asleep. I get lost in it on the couch and forget to do anything else.

Am I the only one? Does anyone else get so lost in what comes next that they make it the only thing they do? I think I might need help. Does anyone know of a 12-step group for binge watching?

  • Today I’m grateful to put the NCIS down for a bit to get some laundry done. And read part of a book. I’m grateful someone came to hang out with the youngest and gave him someone to talk to. I’m grateful to have plans for tomorrow that do not include watch TV. Tonight on the other hand, maybe just one more episode before bed?!

Night all. LOVES