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Life and death

12 Dec

Today has been a contrast between life and death and how we must go on. Even when we don’t want to.

I had someone who is very close to me lose a child last night. I so know that loss. Especially coming up on my own anniversary. I want to give him my love, support, and all the comfort that he could possibly need. But I also know that he needs to deal with it in his own way. So I will stay by his side.

And then tonight, I was able to chase my grandsons through my house. A 1 and 2 year old will keep you on your toes. But holding those little wiggly bodies close tonight made the pain almost bearable. Definitely bittersweet.

I just want to remind you all to hold each other close. Tell them you love them every time they leave your sight. I think I tell my kids a gazillion times a day. Even if they don’t always hear me.

  • I’m grateful tonight to be tired from chasing grandkids. There is a reason god made parents young. I’m grateful tonight to offer solace to one who needs it. I will try not to smother. I’m grateful to tell you all I love you. You make me a better person.

Night all. LOVES

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Perceptions

9 Dec

Which is the real you? The you that you think you are? The you that others think you are? The you that you think others think you are? Or are you who you really are? Does the perceptions decide who you are? Or are you who are that decides the perceptions?  I think it’s a mishmash of all the above.

Early in my recovery, I was told “What others think of me is none of my business!” In other words, quit letting others decide how I see myself. To just be who I want to be. But what if you want to be that you that others see? What if you just want to be normal? Then you get the question “What is normal?” Most people will say normal is just like everybody else. I have decided that MY normal is wherever I can be comfortable. If that’s sitting on the sidelines watching the people go by, or not going to the party with everyone else, or being in the middle of everything, it can all be normal.

A few years ago, there was a meme going around with pictures that asked these very questions. And I decided then that I’m okay just the way I am. That I don’t need others perceptions of me, including mine, to tell me who I should be. I will admit that I don’t always think that.

The biggest goal that anybody can reach is to be okay with themselves just the way they are at that particular moment in time. Just do the best you can with what you got at that very moment. That’s all you can ask of yourself. And others. Acceptance is the key to happiness.

  • I’m grateful today to be there when someone needed me. I’m grateful today to hear some hard truths I needed to hear. I’m grateful that we both felt much better when it was over. At least that was my perception if it.

Night all. LOVES

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

7 Dec

I spent the morning with some old friends that had to come into town for a doctor’s appointment. It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen them and it was great to hang out with them. Although I’m almost positive that everyone in the waiting rooms wished we would just shut up already. We talked almost nonstop for over 3 hours.

After lunch they headed home and I was off to the rest of my errands. I needed to go to the bank and then meet the Boy at his therapist’s office.

When I got to the bank, my backpack exploded everywhere while looking for the checks I needed to deposit. I should have taken a picture to remind me of what it would look like if I was back out on the streets. And the worst part? I found the checks AFTER I got home right where I set them so I wouldn’t forget them.

Because the bank was a bust, I just went to the therapist’s and curled up in one of the big comfy chairs and took a nap until my son got there. His bus trainer thinks he needs just one or two more tries and he can do it on his own.

  • I’m grateful I got up and went up to the hill. It was so good to talk to my friends. I’m grateful the receptionist didn’t mind me sleeping in her waiting room for a couple of hours! I’m grateful to be home and ready for bed. Tomorrow is groceries and then my week is finished until Saturday.

Night all. LOVES

New therapist

1 Dec

My son met his new Behavior Therapist tonight. I wasn’t sure how the meeting was going to go because he doesn’t do new people well. But it turned out great.

She came early so the we could talk before he came home from school. We talked a bit about how he’s doing this week. I told her about his dad’s Thanksgiving visit and how he came home so upset and how he stayed home Monday from school.

I also mentioned that I’m Bipolar. And she seemed surprised I said something. Should I not have? I feel that the more she knows about what his life is like, the more she can help. But now I’m stressing about it. Will someone be showing up on my doorstep saying I can’t parent my child well? Just remember to breathe!

Before he came in, I told her to ask him about his Beyblades and he would open up to her. And it was so cool watching him unfurl and become the engaging, intelligent person I know and that I wish the world was able to see more of. Just need to give it time.

  • I’m grateful that it went so well tonight. The good and the bad will hopefully be helpful. I’m grateful for chicken quesadillas for dinner. I’m grateful tomorrow is Friday and the First. Pizza and movie night!

Night all. LOVES

His safe person

27 Nov

My son went to his dad’s for Thanksgiving and he came home this morning. I’m really glad he’s home but he could have left the attitude there.

Then someone reminded me that he has a bad attitude when he gets home because he feels safe enough to let all those bottled up emotions out. I know he gets frustrated there. It’s a huge stress household. They stress me out and they’re only here a little bit most of the time.

  • I’m grateful that I went to treatment when I did so that I can be his safe person today. I’m grateful that every bad attitude is followed by the good one. He can’t be angry forever. I’m grateful it only took five hours this time for him to start talking to me again. Makes me smile.

Night all. LOVES

Subscriptions

25 Nov

Once upon a time I was getting every subscription I could find. I had magazines, books, music, and food of the month. I even had a razor blade subscription. I thought it was so cool to get that stuff delivered to my door every month. Until I added up how much it all cost. I was spending enough on them to pay my lights AND my gas bill. And the thing of it was, I wasn’t even using most of it!

I never had time or the inclination to read all the magazines. They just sat in a box waiting until it was full enough to give away. Most of the book subscriptions were for books I didn’t like to read much anyway. And THEY were being boxed up to give away too. I don’t own a music player anymore so I don’t need to get it in the mail. The food subscriptions were terrible for my diet. I’d eat everything the first day or two and then think I needed to order more so I would have enough for the rest of the month. The razor blades weren’t being used often enough either. I don’t shave my legs much because it’s gotten too difficult to reach my toes.

So I slowly quit renewing everything. I called and cancelled them all. And it’s taken almost a year to let the prepaid ones wear out. I’m down to the last month of one and the last one of the other will be January. It’s so nice to finally be out from under all the stress of needing to figure out how to pay for everything and then get rid of it once it got here.

But I still have a couple of subscriptions left that I don’t plan on letting lapse. One is for Netflix. My child can’t live without his Netflix. We have shut off Hulu because we just weren’t using it. And I get YouTube Red because I don’t like commercials during my playlists. And I pay half of an Amazon Prime account because FREE SHIPPING rocks!

  • I’m grateful to have gotten out from under all that stuff I thought I needed to be a grown up. I’m grateful I’ve become grown up enough to know what’s really important. I’m grateful to not have less boxes of unneeded stuff and stress stacked around the house. Now to get rid if the rest. Progress not perfection.

Night all. LOVES

Almost late

15 Nov

I almost was too late tonight to post. I am definitely much later than I usually post.

I went to my Resident Advisory Committee meeting tonight. I haven’t gone in a couple of months because my health hasn’t been great and my babysitting situation has been spotty.

My health still isn’t great, but I needed to go. I made a commitment and I need to keep it.

As for the babysitting situation? Tonight was the first time I’ve left him home alone for any extended length of time. I haven’t decided who was the most nervous about it. Him or me?

But in the end, it all worked out. He didn’t burn down the house. He was in bed when I came home. He WAS still awake but baby steps. He didn’t start calling me until he had been Aline for over 2 hours.

It was harder to get him to settle when he went to sleep. He had to tell me all about his day. On a normal day, trying to get him to talk about his day is like pulling teeth.

  • I’m grateful we did alright with the staying home thing. I’m grateful to get back to my meeting. I’ve missed the adult conversation. I’m grateful I remembered to write before I fell asleep. Which is shortly.

Night all. LOVES