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Sharing the wealth?

15 Mar

Something surprising happened today. I had a strange man and his girlfriend knock on my door asking for empty bottles. I understand that at 10 cents a piece, you can get a healthy pocket of change relatively quickly.

I don’t have many bottles lately. Because I can’t have carbonated beverages with my new diet, our bottle recycling has dropped dramatically. But I did tell them that I usually put bottles out by the dumpster when I have them. I don’t want to haul nasty bottles on the bus. And if I put the bottles beside the dumpster and recycling bins, I’m not getting woken up at 3am by the regular diver hard at work.

As I was telling the couple I didn’t have any bottles, he pipes up asking if I had any extra cash or change lying around that I could give. I was floored! While I can understand asking for recyclables, it’s a totally different ballgame to knock on someone’s door asking for money. Especially “extra” money. Does anyone have extra money? It’s like when someone asks if you have an extra cigarette. There are no extras, they only come 20 to a pack.

So I’ve sat on this all day and I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about it. But as I was sitting here thinking about it, I had a few random thoughts. While I didn’t like someone coming to my home asking for money, I can understand the desperation running through his head that gave him the courage to do it. I have been there a time or two. I’ve been that person in the parking lot asking for some change for the gas tank. I’m also a little ashamed of myself for being angry. I know I don’t have any extra money, but I could have offered to share some of the food that I have. Or even asked if he needed blankets or something else that I could share. Even if it was as simple as a glass of water. I need to remember that next time.

  • I’m grateful that this couple came and asked instead of just trying to break in and steal. I’m grateful that all my needs are met. I need to always remember that there are those who don’t. I’m grateful to have learned a valuable lesson today. I will try harder to remember it next time.

Night all. LOVES



27 Feb

On this journey I have been on since I decided to get clean, there have been many ups and downs. Good days and bad days and some days that were bits of both. But through it all, the one constant has been my gratitude list. I started it the day I met my first sponsor. It was my first homework assignment. At times, I thought it was stupid. Why keep doing this every day? How is this going to help me stay clean?

Slowly, bit by bit, I have changed. I am no longer that person who hated everything and everyone, especially herself. I was hopeless and didn’t think I deserved anything.

But because of gratitude, I have learned that I matter. I don’t hate everything and everyone anymore. I don’t always like them, but I don’t hate them. I’m even starting to like me and what I’m doing and where I’m heading. I have hope. And dreams and wants. And faith that it will all work out in the end.

  • Today I’m grateful for this journey. I’m grateful to have the many blessings I have. All of our needs are met. We have a home to keep us warm and dry and safe from the outside. We have food that keeps us full and happy even if sometimes it feels like we’re always eating the same thing. And I’m grateful we have each other. I wouldn’t be where I am without everyone who touched my life in some way. Because it has made me who I am.

Night all. LOVES

Final thought.
~”What IF, the only things you had tomorrow were only the things you ARE grateful for today? WHAT would YOU have?”~

Trading vegetables

23 Feb

I’ve been doing this new diet for almost a month and while it’s been satisfying, it also has its challenges. Here are my top two.

How to afford to eat healthy? It is so much cheaper to use rice and pasta as the main part of a meal and use meat and veggies as the enhancers. But to concentrate on the vegetables and lean protein with lots to no carb heavy foods is tough on a limited budget. I’ll admit that I’ve eaten lots of peanut butter this month so that I could afford the vegetables. I’m hoping that as I get more practice, I will do better with budgeting.

When you add vegetables to your diet, you are adding fiber and roughage, which leads to digestion issues. Good ones and not so good ones. You tend to feel fuller longer, but your methane production is greater. Sometimes I wonder what died! It gets bad. I’m hoping that as I continue, my gut will acclimatize and it will get better.

  • I’m grateful that I’ve been able to do this for a month. That means it’s one step closer to becoming a habit. I’m grateful to be in recovery because I’m using the 12 steps knowledge I’ve learned around my eating. I’m really grateful to have lost almost 20 pounds.

Night all. LOVES


My newest medicine

16 Feb

I have been taking Bydureon for 3 weeks. It’s helping with lowering my sugar numbers and I’m taking less insulin. I only take one injection a week of this new medicine. So that’s the good things.

And now the bad things. Too low of blood sugar numbers as we adjust my insulin. I feel yucky as I become adjusted to the medicine. It gives me a stomach ache and nausea. And it hurts at the injection site.

Today, it was almost like the needle was dull. I know that as a recovering IV drug user and a long time insulin user, I should be used to poking myself with a needle, but sometimes it’s just really hard for me to do it again and again.

I suppose it’s a good thing that I think about it every time I inject medication because it reminds me of where I don’t want to be again. I know that this injection is good for me. But I think I’m going to go lie down for a while anyway.

  • I’m grateful that this new medicine seems to be doing its job. I’m grateful that I’m in recovery so that I am trying to take care of myself. I’m grateful that I only take this medicine once a week. I think I might balk at doing it every day. At least for a while.

Night all. LOVES

Sick of lows

11 Feb

I have Type 2 Diabetes. I’ve had it for quite a few years. And it sucks. It doesn’t get better. EVER! In fact it is a slow progressing disease. It gets worse with time.

Because of my drug addiction, I didn’t go to the doctor as often as I should have. And I didn’t take care of my body. How could I when I was injecting poison into myself multiple times a day. I knew it was bad for me, but I did it anyway. Now I get to live with my choices. I’m falling apart, slowly, but surely.

I was at the point at the beginning of the year where I was taking so much insulin, that I was reaching the maximum effective doses. It wasn’t going to work as well as it should much longer. So my doctor put me on a new medication that I inject once a week. It would allow me to not take as much insulin as I was, and the insulin I was still taking would work better. Now the downside. Because Diabetes isn’t one size fits all, we didn’t know how much to lower the insulin amounts to. Combined with my changes to my diet as I prepare for bariatric surgery, I have had several weeks of blood sugar lows.

I’m not taking any insulin with meals anymore and my overnight insulin is less than half of where I started. But I’m still going low. All these lows are making me feel yucky. It really takes lots out of a person. And because most of the really low lows are in the early morning, I’m not getting good sleep. But on a positive note, I’m getting there. I will get through this. One day at a time.

  • I’m grateful to be taking less insulin. Less injections every day. I’m grateful to have a new meter. It needs less blood to take a reading so I don’t have to poke as deep. I’m grateful that I know this won’t be like this forever.

Night all. LOVES

The difference of 30 seconds

7 Feb

Today was an interesting day. Some moments of up, some down, and a few of despair, but it all came out okay.

It started with my therapist calling out sick today. But I still needed to see the doctor, so I went anyway. I couldn’t be home because they were supposed to have the bug guys come in to do maintenance spraying.

So I left early. I skipped the donut shop this morning. I usually stop when I’m seeing the psychiatrist. But donuts aren’t on my new diet. While at the doctor’s office, I picked up my prescriptions. I love that my pharmacy is inside the clinic.

After that, I decided I needed a haircut. I took about 6 inches off. All the overbleached, dried out ends are gone! And the barber even talked about what and how to fix the color if I wanted to NOT pay them $100 to do it.

Then it was lunchtime. Went to the grocery store across the street and picked up some smoked turkey, Muenster cheese, and some kale-superfood salad. It was all delicious.

On the way out of the grocery store, I figured I better get some milk, eggs, and cheese and do my big shopping this weekend when I was less busy. The food card was empty! I panicked for a moment. But I took a deep breath, used my debit card to pay for everything and left the store. I figured a full blown panic attack would be better outside on the bench at the bus stop rather than in the check out line.

Emailed my worker. And she calmly comes back, “They’ve lapsed. You need to refile.” I was just in the office Friday! Why couldn’t she have said something then? So aggravating!

On the bus ride home, I had a few moments of despair as we drove over the river. I had that fleeting thought to just get off at the bridge stop and if it would hurt when I made a splash. But I thought of my kids, and my family, and everyone else who stand with me every single day. Even when they have no idea they are there. And I stayed on the bus.

When I switched buses to go home, one of my mom’s favorite musicians came up on my playlist. I ended up crying on the bus all the way home. But I’m alive. I have food. I have a home(as long as I get the money order in the safe by morning). And I have all of you.

The best part of my day was when my son came in from the bus asking how much I loved him. Yes, he did want something. I didn’t mind at all. And I got a hug AND a kiss for heating up some leftover pizza. All in all, it’s ending as a good day.

  • I’m grateful for momentary gifts from above. I’m grateful to know that my mom is always near. I’m grateful we’re having omelets for breakfast!

Night all. LOVES

It’s started!

2 Feb

Today officially started my bariatric surgery journey. I was at the hospital from 9am this morning until almost 4:30pm. Three appointments, and EKG, and a visit to the phlebotamist. I saw the dietitian, the physical therapist, and the nurse practitioner. I have a new folder to keep my homework in. I get to bring it to every single appointment.

I’m excited, anxious, hopeful, and terrified all at the same time. I haven’t told anyone yet. I guess they will know now though. I hope they will all be supportive.

I’m planning on surgery the end of August or September. That gives me 6 months to get all my ducks in a row and have all my supports in place. But today, I’m ready for bed. I’ll start again tomorrow.

  • I’m grateful to all those I met today for being willing to answer all my questions. I’m grateful that all the appointments are in one building, but on different floors. I’m grateful to be taking this step even though I’m scared to death.

Night all. LOVES