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Breathe!

17 Dec

I’m feeling resentful towards my youngest son’s father. And it’s bothering me. But not just because he hasn’t seen his son in 3 months. Not exactly, anyway. I mean it does really bother me that my son is so depressed and hurt that he hasn’t seen his dad.

Here’s the reason why I’m really resentful. My son and I have been in each others pockets for 3 whole months! I need a break. He’s getting on my nerves for stupid, insignificant things. The same things he always does. But right now they’re making me crazy! And we have 2 weeks of 24/7 ahead of us because there’s no school. I know! Just remember to breathe!

  • I’m grateful for a 2 story house. We can be on different floors when we’re really on each others nerves. I’m grateful to friends for offering my son overnighters so I can take a break. I’m grateful to know that as much as he’s annoying me, I’m probably annoying him too. And can act accordingly.

Night all. LOVES

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My week in review

16 Dec

Last night I said I would write more today. Since its Saturday, I can give you a recap of this past week.

Monday we saw my son’s new therapist and talked about how much he missed his dad. And that his dad is being a flake. He’s not come for a visit since September! Wednesday, we saw the psychologist and talked about the same things, except this time, my son realized his dad isn’t coming until after the new year. Yes, he’s going to miss Christmas.

Tuesday night I was supposed to go to my monthly housing committee meeting, but the weather was really nasty and my new stomach was rebellious again. I could handle one or the other, just not both at the same time.

Thursday should have been my 32nd wedding anniversary. But 10 years ago we had to get a divorce to get custody of the kids back from the state. 2 years ago, I found out he never divorced his first wife. That makes OUR marriage null and void. So I have a divorce but no marriage. I spent the day contemplating my past.

Friday was a busy, busy day. After getting my son on the school bus, I met my middle children downtown for breakfast, most of which went into a to go box. Then I realized my doctor’s appointment was actually a half hour earlier than I thought. So I had to reschedule it. My children took me to the mall, where we wandered for a few hours looking at too expensive stuff. A box of cereal was $20! I did accept the hat and gloves they bought me at the convenience store by the bus stop. They came in handy on the way home.

After the mall, I went to the housing authority awards banquet. I was invited because of my volunteer work. I spent the next 4 hours in a room of MANY, MANY people that I didn’t know most of, eating very little of rubbery chicken and fatty roast beef. But I did have an amazing chocolate torte that took me the entire 4 hours to eat EVERY SINGLE BITE.

After the banquet, I picked up some chips and soda for my youngest son’s start of the holiday break while dodging raindrops and trying not to blow away.

By the time I was heading home, I was done. Called my youngest to come meet me at the bus stop. Called my neighbor, told her there was a crock pot of chicken soup on my counter that I would share if she made the noodles. I figured it was the least I could do for throwing up under her bushes.

She came over, finished dinner, fed all of our children, cleaned my kitchen and I went up to bed. I didn’t even hear her leave.

  • I’m grateful that life is like a box of chocolates. Especially when there is real chocolate involved. I’m grateful to my neighbor once again for always being there when I really need her. I’m grateful that I had absolutely nothing to do today but sleep and be lazy. It was so needed. Now for another nap.

Night all. LOVES

Is it?

14 Dec

I had a thought-provoking question come up today. Is it still an anniversary if you’re no longer married? How can you celebrate a wedding so long ago if you’re divorced.

My thoughts on the subject are, “I can celebrate anything I want as an anniversary. PERIOD.” Its my life and my things I want to remember.

Today I want to remember that 32 years ago, I married my best friend. We are STILL best friends even though there isn’t a marriage anymore. Or even live in the same state. I want to celebrate a period in my life where I made a life-changing decision that I was very proud to make.

  • I’m grateful today to remember the good times in my past. I’m grateful to find the positive in my present. I’m grateful to be hopeful for my future.

Night all. LOVES

Wednesday December 12, 2018

13 Dec

Another difficult day today. We had our monthly appointment with the psychologist today. My son figured out today that his dad isn’t coming for Christmas. I’ve told him, but he didn’t get it until now.┬áIt is so hard to watch someone you love hurting so much and there’s really nothing you can do about it. Just need to remember to breathe.

  • I’m grateful to get where we needed to be today. I’m grateful the weather cooperated today. I’m grateful my neighbor for doing a store run for me.

Night all. LOVES

Tuesday December 11, 2018

12 Dec

Its cold, wet, and windy tonight. Perfect for curling up with a good book and a blanket. That’s a good thing because my stomach is being rebellious today and I really don’t want to have to go out in it. I really need to get to the store tomorrow to get some supplies.

  • I’m grateful to have walls around me and a roof over my head. Really not a tent on the side of a road night. I’m grateful to cobble together something for us for dinner. Without going out and about. I’m grateful its therapy day in the morning. No getting up early for school.

Night all. LOVES

Struggling for words

11 Dec

We had therapy for my son this afternoon. Some difficult subjects came up. Mostly about how much his dad has been flaking lately. It hurts to see my son hurting so much. And it makes me annoyed with his dad.

The most frustrating part is when my son shuts down. He won’t talk. He’ll text, but only in partial words or letters. Or he’ll use pictures and pointing. Then we get to play a guessing game to figure out what he’s thinking about. He gets annoyed at me because sometimes I just can’t understand what he’s trying to tell me.

The therapist asked if I’ve thought about getting an app that helps him communicate. I told her it was cheaper in the long run to get the phone. The app is several hundred dollars. And you need a dedicated tablet for to run on.

We had gotten so much better with communication, but there has been lots of regression lately. I’m not sure what to do about it except to keep muddling along.

  • I’m grateful a triple cheeseburger and a frosty from Wendy’s helped my son find his words tonight. I’m grateful I didn’t throw up after 4 chicken nuggets and a few bites of a frosty. It was iffy for a moment. I’m grateful to be on the last week before Christmas break. Come on Friday!

Night all. LOVES

Its just a day

10 Dec

I’m just NOT today. My new stomach is angry this evening. It didn’t like dinner. Or anything else I’ve fed it today. My mind is not focused on anything. Just sort of wandering from here to there and everywhere. And I don’t dare look for the green eggs and ham. My heart hurts. My aunt passed yesterday morning. And another addict is losing the battle of humanity. My body hurts. Its cold and wet and dreary and it makes my joints ache.

But through it all, I’m still here. I can feel all these things. As long as I can feel, there is hope for tomorrow.

  • I’m grateful for food, even food my new stomach doesn’t like. I’m grateful for shelter from the cold and wet. I’m grateful for my loved ones. They give me strength and support to carry on and to keep moving.

Night all. LOVES