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15 Dec

I am one of those people who use snarky humor to combat nervousness, grumpiness, and other overwhelming feelings. If I’m cracking snarky jokes, I’m probably covering up some feeling I don’t want to share.

Today has been an excellent example of my being snarky. I’m just grumpy. Not enough sleep. Not feeling well. Lots of grief and anger. I just want to disappear for a while. I want to NOT feel for a while.

Last night I made a comment to a friend that I felt like walking to the bar and getting a mudslide. Or walking to the store for a gallon of ice cream. It didn’t matter which because either would accomplish the same thing. I wouldn’t feel for a while. But the WALKING part deterred me. So I just went upstairs and escaped into The Crown on Netflix. I suppose it’s a good thing I didn’t escape into a container of alcohol or ice cream. But I still wanted to.

After taking myself and my child to the doctor this afternoon, I’m not into walking anywhere else tonight either. So it looks like the second half of season 2 is in my future.

  • I’m grateful to be too tired and sore to do anything besides go up to bed tonight. I’m grateful that my therapist is willing to keep me and not pass me off to someone with more letters after her name. I’m grateful to share chicken strips and JoJos with the Boy for dinner tonight.

Night all. LOVES


Another sucky day

14 Dec

They always say bad news comes in threes. Well I for one hope it stops at 2. I don’t need any more bad news in my life at the moment. It’s not helping my mental health at all.

What three you may ask? One of my best friend’s son was killed in a freak accident this week. And I just found out that a favorite cousin is no longer with us either. Also because of an accident.

But maybe I can count my child and I being sick and failing my housing inspection in the three? My son has been calling it his “accident” all day. I’m not supposed to say the words “vomit”, “barf”, or “puke” or he might do it again.

Whatever happens, I will do my best to handle it with my usual dignity and grace. Or I’ll just go to bed and hide under the blankets for a few days. Either way works for me right now. Heck, I might even do both. Right now I’m going to get lost in “The Crown” on Netflix and shut everything else off.

  • I’m grateful for my beliefs that I WILL see my family again in the hereafter. I’m grateful to know that he’s at peace. And I’m grateful that I received a phone call and didn’t have to read about it on Facebook.

Night all. LOVES

Go Mom!

13 Dec

Something woke me up before the alarm this morning. Not enough before to go back to bed, but enough to grumble about the missed 20 minutes.

As I was going about my routine, my child wakes up vomiting everywhere. In his bed, across the carpet, on the bathroom floor, on the tub, on the toilet, and FINALLY in the toilet. And because the floors are wet, he slips and falls in it and throws up some more. And who gets to clean it up? Go Mom!

After getting him in and out of the shower, and tucked into his other bed(I am SOOOOOO grateful he has 2 twins), there’s still stuff to clean up. School to email, bus to cancel, find the thermometer. Yeah, go Mom!

Found a babysitter (bribed my other child with soda, cigarettes, and goodies!) so I could keep my therapist appointment and pick up our monthly allotment at the pharmacy. Go Mom!

Came home to one child in bed, but not having thrown up again (BONUS), and the other asleep on the couch. So I snuck off to my housing committee meeting that it was STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I make because there was budget stuff to discuss. Go Mom!

The bribed child has went home now. The other is sitting here seeing if the hot Jell-O will stay in. It’s all he’s had besides a Gatorade and water today. Then he can go back up to bed. My grandmother always said a little flavored sugar might help. It gives the body carbs and protein to function. Go Mom!

Now here it is, almost 10pm, and I have 2 loads of laundry in that needs finished before I go to bed (hoping I don’t need to rewash anything because it sat all day). Then I need to make my bed because it has stuff all over it so I could find towels, washcloths, and clean clothes this morning. Go Mom!

I have a housing inspection tomorrow but I’m going to have to take a black mark. There us no way I’m going to be ready. I’m just too overwhelmed by life right now. I’ll just have to do the best I can with what I have at this very moment. And at this moment, the well is pretty empty. Go Mom?!

  • I’m grateful to have woken up early this morning. It could have started so much worse. I’m grateful to my middle child for being willing to be bribed for the day. I helps me so much all the time. I’m grateful that the Jell-O has stayed in for a half hour already. Knocking on wood that THIS crisis is returning to normal. Now it’s time to go check the washer. Go Mom!

Night all. LOVES


Life and death

12 Dec

Today has been a contrast between life and death and how we must go on. Even when we don’t want to.

I had someone who is very close to me lose a child last night. I so know that loss. Especially coming up on my own anniversary. I want to give him my love, support, and all the comfort that he could possibly need. But I also know that he needs to deal with it in his own way. So I will stay by his side.

And then tonight, I was able to chase my grandsons through my house. A 1 and 2 year old will keep you on your toes. But holding those little wiggly bodies close tonight made the pain almost bearable. Definitely bittersweet.

I just want to remind you all to hold each other close. Tell them you love them every time they leave your sight. I think I tell my kids a gazillion times a day. Even if they don’t always hear me.

  • I’m grateful tonight to be tired from chasing grandkids. There is a reason god made parents young. I’m grateful tonight to offer solace to one who needs it. I will try not to smother. I’m grateful to tell you all I love you. You make me a better person.

Night all. LOVES

Soft touch

11 Dec

I’m a soft touch. Especially when dealing with my kids. My youngest was home when his Christmas packages were delivered and I let him open them. Yes, I told him that is all there is and there won’t be anything else under the tree, but he still wanted to open them. So I let him. I was just as excited to see if he liked them. He did. He’s been playing with them all weekend.

  • I’m grateful to know I picked well when getting his presents. I’m grateful for the quiet weekend while he plays with his toys. I’m grateful it’s Sunday night and the new week starts tomorrow.

Night all. LOVES

A part of?

10 Dec

We went to the church Christmas party tonight. There was a yummy dinner, awesome desserts, and singing around the piano.

I was so happy that my son decided to go. I didn’t even mind that we sat at the table furthest from everyone else with our backs to the wall. Because we were there.

He brought his new toy and even engaged with others by showing them what it does. He ate mashed potatoes and gravy. He even ate a piece of pork loin. The only bad part was that I forgot he didn’t like pumpkin pie. But they had apple and he was mostly okay.

You wouldn’t think that a simple piece of pie would shut off his interactions with others but it did. I also think his being in public meter was getting full. At least I hope so. It’s hard to know that sometimes a simple thing can change the world.

  • I’m grateful that we were a part of things, even if it was only for a little while. I’m grateful that he hasn’t said “no” to going again. I’m grateful that it wasn’t as stressful this time.

Night all. LOVES

New therapist

1 Dec

My son met his new Behavior Therapist tonight. I wasn’t sure how the meeting was going to go because he doesn’t do new people well. But it turned out great.

She came early so the we could talk before he came home from school. We talked a bit about how he’s doing this week. I told her about his dad’s Thanksgiving visit and how he came home so upset and how he stayed home Monday from school.

I also mentioned that I’m Bipolar. And she seemed surprised I said something. Should I not have? I feel that the more she knows about what his life is like, the more she can help. But now I’m stressing about it. Will someone be showing up on my doorstep saying I can’t parent my child well? Just remember to breathe!

Before he came in, I told her to ask him about his Beyblades and he would open up to her. And it was so cool watching him unfurl and become the engaging, intelligent person I know and that I wish the world was able to see more of. Just need to give it time.

  • I’m grateful that it went so well tonight. The good and the bad will hopefully be helpful. I’m grateful for chicken quesadillas for dinner. I’m grateful tomorrow is Friday and the First. Pizza and movie night!

Night all. LOVES