June 18, 2009.

19 Jun

In the spring of 2009 an interesting thing happened to me. Somebody turned me in to child welfare for using drugs. I found out when a nice lady showed up on my doorstep with cup in hand wanting me to pee in it. She said if I didn’t she had the authority to take my children with her.

Me, being the good addict I was, figured that since I had just did some, it didn’t have time to get to my bladder yet. So I said sure, what have I got to lose. Of course it came back dirty! Addicts have the worst thinking errors. She ended up taking my kids anyway.

And so my journey began. I started with outpatient treatment 3 days a week. But I continued to use on the days I didn’t have to go. And tried so many crazy ways to give a clean sample on the days I did.

The days turned into weeks. And the weeks turned into months. And I couldn’t get more than 15 days in a row. It was so hard. I couldn’t see my kids. The eldest was off doing his own thing and refusing to speak to me. The middle one was on the run from his foster homes and I didn’t know where he was. And I had to have 2 clean samples in a row to see the youngest. The people I was living with didn’t want me to be clean because then they would have to move out. So I was going to Day Treatment up to 4 days a week. And sneaking out of the house to get to meetings.

I remember for my birthday, my dealer showed up at the door with a nice package for my present. She said she missed me. Why is it when you WANT to use, you can NEVER find free dope, but when you DON’T WANT to use, everybody is giving you some?! So I sat on my couch, crying because I was 42, my life sucked, and used every single drop of Meth I had because I didn’t want to waste any by throwing it away.

When I came down, I made myself a promise. I wanted to be done! And I would do what needed to be done to get clean. I went for a walk around the block and sat on the church lawn. And prayed! And cried! And prayed some more! Some gentleman came out and sat with me and we just talked. He told me how much my Heavenly Father lived me and wanted me to come back to church. And if I would keep doing the next right thing, He would help me get it done.

I went to a meeting the next afternoon and I found a sponsor. Her sponsor told her that she needed to be my sponsor before I even asked. She was amazing. I called her every night. And we went to meetings together 3-4 times a week. She helped me with the people living with me. She encouraged me to tell them at treatment to sign me up for inpatient.

The night of June 18th, she took me to a speaker meeting where this really old guy talked about his days as a methhead. And that he got clean. And I saw myself in his story. Because I had used the night before, I was the newest one there. He gave me a signed copy of the book he wrote. I still have it. That’s the last time I used! I got a spot at an inpatient facility and went in on June 30th. I’m still clean today.

It’s NOT easy. Life still sucks. But it’s manageable most of the time. I try every day to keep my Heavenly Father first in all I do. And He helps me keep that day sacred.

As long as I remember my HP and my cleandate, everything else will work out. And that person who turned me in? I tell him I love him and thank you every day.

  • Today, I am SOOO grateful for 8 drug free years. I am grateful that a stranger told me that my Heavenly Father still loved me even after everything I had done. I am grateful that I was someone else’s ‘sponsor homework’.

Night all. LOVES

 

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