25 May

One of the worst parts of being bipolar that I have noticed is that when I’m on the up and down cycles of the rollercoaster in my mind, I can see what’s ahead, but I can’t get off. And I can’t reach the controls because I’m ON the ride. Every time I go by the operator’s control panel, he’s either not looking or paying attention. Or else he’s just gone altogether. Nobody can hear  me screaming to get off. Probably because I’m not yelling.

Why is it that I can see me floundering, but can’t do anything about it? I feel so broken today. And nothing has changed since yesterday. Or the day before. Today started just like every other day. Get up and get Carson up for school. And I try to stay awake, but I can’t. I end up sleeping the day away. And I’m sleeping all night. Just don’t want to wake up.

I know I’m in a down cycle and I know I need to get out, I just haven’t figured out how yet. I guess that saying “Take it one day at a time.” is in play for a bit.

  • I’m grateful today that I have a safe place to crash. I’m grateful that I learned to build rollercoasters in my youth so I know how they work. I’m grateful to know that what goes under must come back up.

Night all. LOVES


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