March 30, 2017

31 Mar

I couldn’t decide what to write today. Should I write about the sticky glue stuff I’m still pulling out of my hair from the sleep study? The technician said to use the hottest water and lots of shampoo to remove it. The side of the dye bottle says wash with cool water and minimal shampoo. So my hair is fading and I’m still combing out glue. Can’t win.

Or should I talk about how much Facebook trolls just aggravate me. I know they’re just trying to get a reaction. They are winning because I’m reacting. I try to ignore them, but sometimes I just get snarky right back. Then it becomes a vicious circle. Round and round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel.

I also thought about writing about libraries and books. And how I don’t have enough money to fund either. And I wish I did. I want to live in an old library! (HEY kids! Remember this! An urn on a library shelf!) Why is it that libraries are being closed because of a lack of funding? And bookstores are closing because nobody buys real books anymore. Maybe real books shouldn’t be so expensive. Maybe people would buy more? On the subject of books. Do you ever hear the character’s voices in your head as you read? I totally read a news article tonight  about Arnold Schwarzenegger in his Terminator voice.

I suppose all the things I was thinking about for my blog tonight was a cover-up for what is really going on today. Three years ago today, my mom started a new journey in her circle of life. You notice I have a really hard time saying she died? I don’t like to say my daughter died either. Really don’t like the word “died”. It is just such a final dismal sounding word. And I’m not ready to accept that yet. I KNOW they are gone. And they aren’t just on vacation and will be back soon. But it doesn’t mean I don’t wish it was different. Like in Men in Black, when they say Elvis just went home to his planet. That was my favorite part of the movie.

I still remember that day. I remember that all my friends came by to check on me. And took me to meetings. And didn’t leave me alone. And I didn’t use. I’ll be honest, I thought about it. But I didn’t. Thought about it again this year. But I didn’t. I’m not going to honor anyone by using to forget that they ain’t here anymore. It doesn’t work that way.

So I’m spending the day today thinking about everything else. And nothing at all. And about how much I miss my mom and wish that I could call her and tell her about my day. Tell her about my kids and what they are doing well at. And what they aren’t.

Maybe next year I’ll be able to say that cold, final sounding word in the same sentence as my mom. But I can’t this year. And I don’t really have to. Even though it’s in my thoughts, I don’t have to say it yet.

  • I’m grateful to be still clean and sober today. I’m grateful I figured out how to watch April the giraffe. And how much I’m hoping she kicks the next guy that reaches between her legs to get a picture! Now THAT would be a good day. I’m grateful I can think about my mom dying even when I can’t always say it out loud. At least this year, I was able to write it.

Night all. LOVES

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