Feeling emotions again

11 Mar

When I was using, I didn’t feel big emotions. That’s why I used. I didn’t want to feel. So much pain, hurt and anger had happened and I decided that I could use and all that would go away. Using deadens your feelings and emotions. I would rather feel nothing than have to feel pain. Even if I couldn’t feel happiness and joy either. I figured it was a good trade.

I have over 7 and a half years clean now. It will be 8 in June.(knock on wood!) And the feelings and emotions are back. But it seems that since I numbed those feelings all those years, they leak out when I least expect it. I cry at sappy commercials. I cried happy tears when my son was on the basketball court. I laugh and giggle at the bus stop because if something I’ve read. Or seen something that no one else sees or thinks is funny.

It seems as if my emotions have become bigger than me. I can’t control them. And that’s a huge deal. Because there is so much in life that I can’t control, that I knew I could control my emotions and feelings by using. So now what do I do when I’m not using? It bothers me when I just let go. I get overwhelmed and anxious. And it creates this vicious circle of feelings and anxiousness.

I used last night in my dream. I should say this morning. I didn’t get to sleep until almost 5 am. It was so real, I had to do a spot check when I woke up. I even checked my arms and counted my money to make sure I hadn’t snuck out in the middle of the night when I wasn’t looking. See, there’s those dang emotions again, sneaking out making me think I’m doing something I don’t know I’m doing.

  • I’m grateful to have emotions again. Mostly. I’m grateful for a yummy piece of pizza for a snack. I’m grateful to know that my dreams are NOT always real.

Night all. LOVES

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