Sick enough?

4 Feb

I got a phone call from the local attorney for the law office that is working on my SSI case. I have a hearing before the judge on Wednesday. And I’m worried. Am I sick enough? Do I WANT to be sick enough? If I’m NOT sick enough, what then? Where do I go from here?

As I sit here thinking about what to say that’s true and what not to say and still be true and how to say it without making things worse. Do I say EVERYTHING and hope that it’s what needs to be said. And what if I say everything and I win the case but then they decide I’m too sick to take care of my son.

THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR!

AM I too sick to be his full-time parent? Can I take care of him while I’m trying to do this SSI stuff? It’s so hard to walk this fine line between being too sick to work but not sick enough to take care if myself and my child. Because I would lie through what teeth I have left to whomever asks about should I keep him or give him up.

That’s been my fear this whole time I’ve han since getting clean. Can I be the parent he needs me to be? Should I be the parent he needs? I’ve been fighting to be a parent ever since the first time someone told me I don’t have what it takes to parent.

I need him. He keeps me going. I get up every morning because if him. When he’s not here, I don’t need to do anything. I just sit here marking time until he comes home. And I know that isn’t good for me or him. Especially as he becomes an adult. So I try to ignore those voices that tell me defeatist things. But they get so loud.

  • Today I’m grateful I got out of bed. I’m grateful for chicken and rice in the oven for dinner. I’m grateful the rain because it mirrors my feelings today. Dark, dreary and cold.

Night all. LOVES

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