Thoughts

29 Jan

What do you think about when someone asks, “What’s on your mind?” Do you always answer what you’re thinking about? Or do you filter it? Say something like “nothing much” or “it’s not important” when in reality it could be something that could affect your whole world?

I know I don’t always say out loud what I’m thinking. Mostly because I know it would shock others to REALLY know about me. And I want people to still like me. To really know how my brain works. Because it’s not always pretty in there an it’s not always puppies, kittens and flowers.

Sometimes I am thinking some dark, twisted stuff. And I’m afraid to share that. But sometimes, you really need to. So you find that person who you can hopefully trust with your deepest, darkest you. And pray that they don’t stomp on you. Or laugh at you. Or worse, tell someone else.

I went to a recovery meeting last night and the subject of sponsorship came up. A sponsor is someone you work the steps with. Who helps you find your inner pain and help you let it out so it can begin to heal. But for the process to work, you have to tell them stuff. Stuff you’ve hidden from everyone. Sometimes even from yourself.

It takes great courage to share the inner YOU with someone else. I think finding a sponsor is one of the toughest parts of recovery. Sometimes even harder than stopping using. Because using is a solitary action. Even when using with others because you’re alone inside.

I don’t have a happy ending to this today. It’s something that will come up again. But writing this blog is helping. Because it let’s me put some of that deep, dark stuff out into the light of day without fear of rejection to my face.

  • Today, I’m grateful to have finally gotten some sleep today. I’m grateful I started this blog. It’s helping me heal. I’m grateful to you for letting me share my stuff with you.

Night all. LOVES

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