Midnight fears

29 Jan

I know I usually write in the evening, but this one needed to come out now. I had to put this out there now. Maybe writing this down will calm the voices long enough to get some peace.

So many say to give him a chance. He might do a good job. We shouldn’t want the pilot to crash the plane we’re on. Then there are so many that compare him to Hitler. And then there’s his own words in his speeches and his tweets. And his actions. I see more division and unrest in this country and around the world since he was elected. I have had this feeling of impending doom for weeks. When I say my prayers at night, I ask for more time because I’m not ready to be done yet. I’m feeling so unsettled and unsure of everything I say and do. I see people fighting with friends and families and saying mean evil things to other. Things that can never be unsaid. People are vowing to never talk to the other side. And they aren’t going to quit fighting. That their side is the only right side. I’ve always believed that there are 3 side to every argument. This side, that side, and the truth is somewhere in the middle. I don’t like living this way. I don’t like this feeling of despair and wanting to give up. Of wanting to withdraw from everything because it’s making me crazier than I already am. Today is the first time in 6 years that I don’t want to write a gratitude list. There have been many times that I have had a hard time finding something to be grateful for, but I always did it. I’m struggling with all these thoughts that are constantly running through my head. I can’t sleep until I’m so exhausted I pass out. But the thoughts still don’t stop. It effects my dreams. It effects my behavior. It effects my peace of mind. And I don’t want this. I know that the unrest in the big world is affecting my feelings in my little life. And I’m not sure what to do. I’m afraid for me. I’m afraid of what I might do. I’m afraid of what I want to do.

  • Today I have to go back to the very beginning. I’m grateful I’m clean and sober. I’m grateful for my life. I’m grateful for having this chance at having a do over.

Night all. LOVES

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2 Responses to “Midnight fears”

  1. Mindfump January 29, 2017 at 10:44 am #

    It sounds really really tough. Especially the thoughts entering your dreams. I have similar issues but never to that extent, so you have my sympathies. I wish you well.

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