Wreckage of the past

17 Jan

One of the first things we learn in recovery is to accept our past and to clean up the wreckage that we created. Some have criminal records. Some have family and friends who you need to rebuild bridges with. Most usually have health issues. You can’t put that poison into your body and not expect something to break sooner or later.

The first time I did Meth, I was about 23 years old. I’m now almost 51. That’s 28 years, minus the 7 1/2 I’ve been clean, that I’ve been using. I’ve had some periods of abstinence, but they’re few and far between.

There are a few people who say that I didn’t use as much as I said I did. Or as long as I did because I still have all my teeth, my skin isn’t shrunken and shriveled and I’m not as skinny as a toothpick. It’s like it’s a test to see who has the worst outward appearance of our inner pain is the winner. I feel that anyone who decided that they had enough of where their life was to want to change it is the winner.

I’ve been fighting some invisible illnesses for a while. I have diabetes, arthritis, and I’m bipolar. These are NOT  outward appearances of my drug use, but they are results.

This past 6 months have been difficult for me as I come to terms with the fact that I’m not young anymore. My body is changing. And I feel like now that I’m getting some clean time under my belt, I’m starting to fall apart.

I had to have a tooth pulled right before thanksgiving because it had broken up the middle. I have gum disease and my dentist has predicted that my front teeth are going to fall out in the near future. I have a broken molar in the back and one in the front. Tonight during dinner I broke another molar on the other side. I didn’t feel it break and it doesn’t hurt just yet. Hopefully it won’t. But it’s heartbreaking. I don’t have good enough insurance to get dentures. And I’m vain enough to want them.

I know that I need to learn how to accept me the way I am, but I’m not there yet. I AM working on it. Just like the book says, ‘One day at a time’.

  • Today I’m grateful for getting to the store. I had cabin fever really bad. I’m grateful that my newly broken tooth doesn’t hurt. I’m grateful to get some sparkly water and lemon at the store.

Night all. LOVES

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