Anxiety

1 Jan

I went to the New Years pow wow tonight. I’ve been going every year since I’ve gotten clean. It’s one of the big recovery events of the year.

Have you ever been excited to go somewhere and then when you get there, it didn’t measure up to the hype. That’s the way I felt about tonight. I was going and taking my grandsons. We were going to have a good time. It didn’t happen that way. We got there and all I could process was lots of people and lots of noise.

How do I put into words how much it made me physically and mentally ill to walk into that room? I’ve been fighting a migraine for a few days and it had finally went away, but it was back with a vengeance as soon as I walked through the doors. I had a stomach ache and almost threw up. And I couldn’t breathe. But I had said I was going to be there so I was staying! I was going to work through the bad stuff and soldier on.

My daughter in law and I had the boys in the stroller and we made a circuit around the tables. I bought each of us a new shirt or something, but nothing else really caught my eye except a rock for my sand box in my serenity corner. By the time we were around to the other side, I was already wanting to go home. Usually the drums and stuff don’t bother me, but tonight it was just registering as noise.

I think the thing that clinched it in my mind that we were done was the people. Of the few people I saw that I knew, not one was really excited to see me. Most barely even said hello. That feeling of being alone in a room full of people on top of the way I was already feeling, put the last nail in the coffin.

I HAD TO LEAVE! NOW!

I called someone for a ride,  but she didn’t answer. I messaged someone else and she didn’t have room for all 4 of us. So we decided to take a bus home. We left out the closet exit and walked to the bus stop. The bus wasn’t coming for almost 45 minutes! I called a taxi. He was there in 5 minutes. We didn’t have to fold up the stroller because they had sent the van. And I was home and in the door within 20 minutes.

I’m seriously going to have to consider if I go next year. I’m still feeling miserable hours later. I didn’t get my sobriety coin. And I didn’t even get to see if I won the raffle. Maybe they’ll call.

  • I’m grateful to be home. I’m grateful for these boys that are sleeping on either side of me. I’m grateful for Tylenol. I’m hoping it kicks in soon.

Night all. LOVES

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