It’s a good thing?

28 Dec

I’m in recovery and I live in clean and sober housing. It’s great because I know it’s usually a safe environment for myself and my children.

Occasionally we get to take UA’s (pee in a cup for those uninformed). I don’t mind anymore because I KNOW I can pass. There have been times that I couldn’t.

There was one time that I thought I would be clean because I had just did a hit of dope and it couldn’t be in my bladder yet. Or that one time I drank a jar of pickle juice because someone said it would register clean. There was the time I put eye drops in the sample so it would alter the results. I’ve heard of people who buy and sell clean samples and come up with ingenious ways of trying to beat the system.

You know why you never hear of a “smart addict”, because sooner or later, you get caught. Even if you don’t get caught doing what you’re doing right now, you WILL get caught doing something else.

I found out today that the manager wanted to UA everyone in the complex. But she didn’t have enough supplies. I told her that was okay because I could pass. She then told me that I was one of the ones she DIDN’T worry about.

I don’t know what to think about that. It’s a good thing because I know I’m not doing anything major wrong and violating my housing contract. But on the other hand, my addict voice is telling me that I CAN do something wrong because I won’t get caught because the manager doesn’t worry about me.

That voice is insidious because it never goes away. It just rests a while until you aren’t thinking about it. THEN IT STRIKES! Jumps out of the corner saying “Here I am! Let’s go get high! It will be okay this once.” I’ve learned that it’s NEVER just once. Not for me. Using is like eating a bag of potato chips. Can’t eat just one.

So I put my thoughts and feelings here because if I let them out, that addict voice doesn’t have any secrets to feed on. It LOVES secrets! The nastier and terrible, the better.

  • Today I am so very grateful to be able to pass a UA. There was a few times I couldn’t. Today I’m grateful to have venues to let those dark, nasty secrets out in to the open sp they can heal and starve that voice in my head. Today I’m grateful to do some laundry. I always think better while folding sheets and towels. I really miss clotheslines.

Night all. LOVES

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