Addiction sucks!

12 Dec

One of the first people I met when I went to inpatient treatment was the girl across the hall. We spent lots of time talking because neither of us had our kids with us. We became friends, but not one of those friendships where you tell each other everything. Mostly because we didn’t have the trust that is needed for that kind of friendship. So we talked about everything, but not really about the important things.

One of the most common things I hear from people in early recovery is the lack of trust we each have. I know for me, I still have trust issues. I’m not sure if I’m going to let you get that close to me because it could come back to bite me.

She left treatment early. I don’t remember whose idea it was, but I think she wasn’t ready to stay and wanted to go home. She thought she  had everything she needed to stay clean and didn’t need treatment anymore.

I would see her at meetings and we would hug and ask all the normal questions. How’s it going? What are you up to? How’s the kids? Are you still clean? But I never asked how she REALLY was. I was still afraid to let her in and get close.

I found out she went back out and we lost touch. I was still clean and I quit calling. She was using and I was afraid to answer her calls in case she wanted to take me back out with her. We would see each other at meetings, but the friendship was strained because we were at different places now. We grew apart.

I found out this morning that she died over the weekend. I don’t know how or why, but that doesn’t really matter anymore anyway. She is still not here. And I feel I failed her. Maybe I should have taken her late night phone calls even when I knew she was using. Or been more willing to meet her somewhere.

But I was afraid. I was afraid of her and her drug use. I was afraid if I let her in, she would take me back out. Because one of the things I’ve learned in recovery is that the addict mind doesn’t like to be alone. If it can’t meet you wherever you are, it will try to drag you down to where it is. It’s a constant struggle for survival. And I feel guilty because through my fear, maybe I wasn’t where she needed me to be to give her a hand back up onto the bandwagon. And now I’ll never know. I haven’t seen her in quite a while, but today? Today, I miss her. And I’ll think of her the next time I see an addict struggling and hope I can be stable enough and strong enough to offer them my hand. I love you Jillian and I’m sorry. Rest peacefully.

  • Today I’m grateful for 7 1/2 years clean and sober. I’m grateful for the strong foundation I’ve built to stand on in my recovery. And I’m grateful to know that it still sucks out there and I want to stay here.

Night all. LOVES

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One Response to “Addiction sucks!”

  1. Rob Spiegel December 13, 2016 at 2:10 am #

    Thanks for this.

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