Alone

4 Dec

It’s been a quiet day around here today. It’s raining out so I’m staying in. Carson is at his dad’s so I’m here alone. But I’m not really lonely. I’ve learned to be okay with just me around.

When I went to inpatient treatment for 6 months, I didn’t get to take my kids with me because they were too old. Although it was a women’s and children’s treatment facility, they only accepted children up to age 5. So there were lots of pregnant women, babies and toddlers around. I was also almost twice the age of most of the women there. So I got to spend lots of time with just me.

After inpatient, I went to a halfway house/transitional apartment place. NO children lived there. I had to get permission for my kids to visit because some of my neighbors shouldn’t be around children. So another 6 months by myself.

Then I was able to go to a different transition apartment where I could have my youngest 51% of the time. He was at his dad’s for 2 days, the foster mom’s for 2 days, and with me for 3 days every week. I still picked him up every day after school because I got to babysit while the foster mom was working.

When we moved into the apartment we’re in now, the custody agreement changed again. It was a more standard arrangement. Every other weekend, he goes with his dad. We trade off spring break, thanksgiving and Christmas break, with us both having him Christmas day. He also goes on an overnight or dinner and a movie with his foster mom every 6-10 weeks.

That means I get to put up with myself a lot of the time. I generally plan my extracurricular activities on the weekends he’s not home. This fall, I went to a recovery retreat. A few other times, I went to stay with a friend at the beach. I read, sew, knit and crochet. I work on my spiritual and recovery self.

But lately, I’ve just been staying home and sleeping. I know it’s not good for me. I’m not going to meetings, or being with others as much as I probably should. I’m going to try to do better in the future.

  • Today I’m grateful for insight. It helps me to see what I’m doing well, but most importantly, what I’m not. I’m grateful to someone for giving me an advent calendar basket. Something sweet and a positive message every day. I’m grateful I’ve begun writing again. I hope you don’t mind that I’m bringing you along in my journaling. You keep me diligent.

Night all. LOVES

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